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Old 07-31-2012, 04:58 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,440,508 times
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I think that a parent's death, is very existential, because it brings lots of other subconcious issues into play...fear of our own death, and our own mortality, is brought right to us...while we may not be consiously thinking those thoughts...death of a parent means, pretty much that we are facing our own deaths...because we, as children, always think parents will be there forever...and that same thought is with us as adults...even though we know it is not true.

My Grandmother died, about five years ago. I often think, I wish she was alive, so I could call her, and tell her something that happened...or go visit her...she was really the strength in my life, and the one consistent person I could always count on...having that gone from my life has made it very empty.

I wish you the best on your grief process, and encourage you to seek support groups, or therapy to help you if you need it.
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Old 07-31-2012, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
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I lost my Dad when I was 48. He was 79, just like your Dad, and he passed very suddenly in his sleep, somewhere between 3-5 am, Christmas morning 2008 from a massive stroke secondary to A-FIB. I still miss him terribly, of course Christmas sucks now, because of THAT MEMORY. You will heal, but it takes time. So sorry for your loss.
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:53 PM
 
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I've experienced many losses in my life and what I've learned is that each one is grieved differently, and while you may deal with some losses better than others, you never really "get over" any of them.

Let friends and family know what they can do to help you and, above all, be gentle with yourself.
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark of the Moon View Post
I've experienced many losses in my life and what I've learned is that each one is grieved differently, and while you may deal with some losses better than others, you never really "get over" any of them.

Let friends and family know what they can do to help you and, above all, be gentle with yourself.
So true.
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:38 PM
 
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I found this thread by fluke. My mom passed unexpectedly in her sleep (we're guessing as she lived alone). August 9 will be one year. I am only 42, she was 77. I feel like a child who still needs her mother, but the mother is gone. I am teary right now. I feel anger at one brother whom Mom adored, but at the time of her death-he was angry at her and wasn't speaking to her. She was a drama-queen and could be a stinker....but she was always so upset/angry when her and he weren't talking. She hated his wife....don't blame her. The wife is a cold person and never has been more than cordial to ANY of us-except my brother-her husband.

About a week before my Mom was found dead in her bed, I emailed this brother and almost begged him to forgive Mom as he knew how she was...and she didn't mean it (it being that she is the one who brought the argument on, she was in a 'mood' one day and called his VM and left him a 'stinker' of a msg about his wife-which she had done before...so not unusual). I told him that I could tell that she, aside from her anger at him, she seemed beside herself that he and her weren't 'talking'. Crazy as this sounds, I wrote to him that 'we don't know how long she'll be here with us....' and that 'life is too short..'. He didn't listen to me. He was stubborn. A week later, she's gone. Of course I was the one, who, living 10 mins from her, I was the one who called 911 for a welfare check, as I didn't have a key to her home...and yep. Just imagine, the cop knocking and knocking and no answer. You know it after the 2nd knock as you know your Mom is paranoid and would've been all over the door being knocked on...within seconds. But, nothing.

I can still feel that moment, I was lying on her scalding hot driveway, my skin being burned, writhing around, screaming at the top of my lungs. Calling her name. Knowing then, that I'd never see her AGAIN. It was horrible.

I miss my Mom so much. I don't ever think it will get better. And I am still angry at this brother. He caused the last week of my mother's life to be an anguishing one. She was fixated on him and the fact that her and he weren't talking....thanks for listening.
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:59 PM
 
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Unfortunately never. It really works the subconscious. Just thing of all the positive moments you shared
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Old 08-01-2012, 05:56 AM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twowolves View Post
I found this thread by fluke. My mom passed unexpectedly in her sleep (we're guessing as she lived alone). August 9 will be one year. I am only 42, she was 77. I feel like a child who still needs her mother, but the mother is gone.
Twowolves, you might try reading an older book called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I found some comfort there, although I was quite a bit younger than you when I lost my mother.

It's been 38 years. No, you never stop missing your momma. Never.
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:40 AM
 
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How long does it take? Thats entirely up to you.
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Old 08-07-2012, 11:30 AM
 
Location: Metrowest Boston
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i worked for a hospice and learned a lot there (i would totally work for one again, or volunteer). As long as this thread is, I'm sure people have said it, but it's true - everyone is different, people grieve in their own way at their own pace, some of it depends on the nature of your relationship, the first year is the hardest (you hit all those "firsts" - first holidays, first anniversary or birthday or whatever).

I lost my father in 1992 to a stroke, very suddenly. Even though he was 82, and we were not close, it was agonizingly painful. The pain comes and goes in waves and over time the waves get smaller and smaller but they never totally disappear. Just try not to run from it when it comes up, or numb yourself, you only prolong it. Depression is also normal and not to be confused with grief. It also should resolve eventually or lighten at least, or come and go. If you have friends and/or family you can talk with, or a therapist (and don't be afraid to get one, just get one you like), talk it out. Write it out. No matter what you think or feel, i promise you, it's normal for your situation.

I just went through a very sudden and unexpected divorce. I lost my home and my step-family. It was my choice to leave, and it was the right choice, but it has been agonizing also. Much harder than my dad. I really got pretty suicidal for a while. For about 6 months. I feel pretty ok now most of the time. I am on an antidepressant that does help a lot. I still "feel" everything, I'm not numb. The pain comes in waves still, but not as often. I no longer feel despair and anger all the time. I'm working through a lot of complex feelings. At the same time I'm lucky enough to be working on some childhood trauma that is surfacing, so I'm a double winner :P

and now a yellow jacket just landed on my burrito, ate through a section of tomato as i sat frozen, and took a chunk with him. i don''t know what to think. that was just wierd.
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Old 08-11-2012, 07:30 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
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A long time. You will never forget them.
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