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Old 04-30-2013, 08:15 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,211 times
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I just lost my father on April 15th. I took care of him for 18 years after my mother died. I am having a very difficult time with his death.
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Old 05-07-2013, 06:23 AM
 
1,783 posts, read 2,529,253 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
My father passed away Feb. 9 and I still am not over it Does it get better. I know this is not a unique situation since most people will have to deal with this and my father was to young at 68 to die and gave his all to myself and brother and sister. It almost seems like I am getting worse. The first week after he passed I just truly felt like he would be home next week and he was just away. I have been having mild anxiety attacks and I cannot think of my Dad without tears. I feel guilty for not calling my Mom more since she is sooo sad at losing him. How does one handle all this
My deepest condolences on the loss of your father. I lost my adult daughter. I know about this kind of grief you're experiencing -- most of us do -- we've all lost a loved one.

There is no time limit on grief, but I was Hospice volunteer for 20 years, plus my own experience, so I can tell you that:

If you can't function properly at work, you need to see your MD who may give you something to settle you down a little.

It would be good now to attend a grief support group. The hospital where your father passed away should have a list of groups or even a group at that hospital. If your hospital doesn't have any referrals, type "(your city) and grief support groups" into your search engine, and you should come up with a number of links to support groups in your city/town.

In 1-2 years, you should be feeling like your old self again. That doesn't mean that in 1-2 years you'll be 'over' this, but it does mean that the acute pain should be gone. There could very well be times when you feel really bad again -- holidays, his birthday -- but it will last a day or two and then be gone.

You will always miss your father. But it does you and him (and everyone around you) no good to grieve acutely for years down the road. Loss of loved ones is a part of life. As you get older, you're going to lose more relatives and friends. Accepting the loss of our loved ones is a sign of good mental health.

I lost my adult daughter (28 years old) to suicide, 14 years ago. The worst of my grieving was over in less than a year. (I got counseling and joined a grief support group.) I still think of her everyday -- I have some of her ashes in a beautiful container here on my desk -- but for years now, when I think of her, I think of the good times we had and what a sweetheart she was.

This next year or two are going to be hard but not horrible. I promise you. If you get some help, this time will be easier on you.

I wish you the very best.
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:20 AM
 
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I just remembered something -- my grief counselor said that not only do we mourn the loss of our loved one, but we mourn loss of the plans we made with that person -- our hopes and dreams with that person -- and we mourn the comfort and security that person gave us. And I think that's so true.

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:37 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,022 posts, read 16,943,481 times
Reputation: 32174
Do we all realize the OP started this thread a little over four years ago? Nothing wrong with continuing to respond, of course, as the responses may be of great help to other posters even if the OP is no longer reading here. It would be nice to get an update from the OP stating how he or she is getting along after four plus years.
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:42 AM
 
Location: Los Angeles area
14,022 posts, read 16,943,481 times
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Originally Posted by twowolves View Post
I found this thread by fluke. My mom passed unexpectedly in her sleep (we're guessing as she lived alone). August 9 will be one year. I am only 42, she was 77. I feel like a child who still needs her mother, but the mother is gone. I am teary right now. I feel anger at one brother whom Mom adored, but at the time of her death-he was angry at her and wasn't speaking to her. She was a drama-queen and could be a stinker....but she was always so upset/angry when her and he weren't talking. She hated his wife....don't blame her. The wife is a cold person and never has been more than cordial to ANY of us-except my brother-her husband.

About a week before my Mom was found dead in her bed, I emailed this brother and almost begged him to forgive Mom as he knew how she was...and she didn't mean it (it being that she is the one who brought the argument on, she was in a 'mood' one day and called his VM and left him a 'stinker' of a msg about his wife-which she had done before...so not unusual). I told him that I could tell that she, aside from her anger at him, she seemed beside herself that he and her weren't 'talking'. Crazy as this sounds, I wrote to him that 'we don't know how long she'll be here with us....' and that 'life is too short..'. He didn't listen to me. He was stubborn. A week later, she's gone. Of course I was the one, who, living 10 mins from her, I was the one who called 911 for a welfare check, as I didn't have a key to her home...and yep. Just imagine, the cop knocking and knocking and no answer. You know it after the 2nd knock as you know your Mom is paranoid and would've been all over the door being knocked on...within seconds. But, nothing.

I can still feel that moment, I was lying on her scalding hot driveway, my skin being burned, writhing around, screaming at the top of my lungs. Calling her name. Knowing then, that I'd never see her AGAIN. It was horrible.

I miss my Mom so much. I don't ever think it will get better. And I am still angry at this brother. He caused the last week of my mother's life to be an anguishing one. She was fixated on him and the fact that her and he weren't talking....thanks for listening.
Based on your own description of the events, it is clear to any objective person that it was your mother, not your brother, who caused the last week of her life to be "an anguishing one".
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:06 AM
 
1,783 posts, read 2,529,253 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Do we all realize the OP started this thread a little over four years ago? Nothing wrong with continuing to respond, of course, as the responses may be of great help to other posters even if the OP is no longer reading here. It would be nice to get an update from the OP stating how he or she is getting along after four plus years.
Obviously not.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:32 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by twowolves View Post
I can still feel that moment, I was lying on her scalding hot driveway, my skin being burned, writhing around, screaming at the top of my lungs. Calling her name. Knowing then, that I'd never see her AGAIN. It was horrible.
REALLY? A bit on the dramatic side I'd say.
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Old 05-07-2013, 09:39 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escort Rider View Post
Do we all realize the OP started this thread a little over four years ago? Nothing wrong with continuing to respond, of course, as the responses may be of great help to other posters even if the OP is no longer reading here. It would be nice to get an update from the OP stating how he or she is getting along after four plus years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post
Obviously not.
I think once a person calms down and comes to grips with the loss of the person who was dear to them, they tend to fade away. They get "on" with their life. They may come to read here or they may just stay away.

Escort, I know in the begining I searched all the posts to find the ones I felt like posting in and they were all old threads. C-D wanted people to "refresh" the old threads and still do.
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