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Old 02-23-2009, 06:43 PM
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repeat: never.

but you do learn to live life. its tough, but dont force yourself to try to feel better. if you feel sad, then feel sad. if you want to cry, then cry. but by a year you hsould be able to control your emotions. you will still feel sad and blue, but you might only cry everynow and then.

it takes a lot of time. you will remember their birthday, your b day. their fav food. your fav dining spot together. its tough.

but call your mother. imagine the loss she feels. she will remember the birthdays, the anniversaries, the trips, the way he was a father. the way he was a partner.

its particularly hard to lose someone you love, but its a bit harder to lose someone you love and were IN love with.

good luck. but accept your feelings. such is life.
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Old 02-23-2009, 06:45 PM
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It depends. For some people, it doesn't take long. For others, they never do. That's why I have always made it a point to have no lingering issues between me and the ones I love. My mom and dad are both dead and my daughter is dying. At no point time can I say there was anything left unsaid.

I hope the same was with you.
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Old 02-23-2009, 06:48 PM
Location: Wyoming
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Grief from the death of a loved one is probably the hardest emotion to deal with that any of us will ever know. We all handle it differently, and recovery can take weeks or years.

I lost my wife, the love of my life, suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 51. I really lost it. I was never one to cry much before that, but I spent hours every day just sobbing uncontrollably by myself. Within a few weeks it was an hour a day, then a few minutes. I think it was about a year before I finally got through a whole day without crying.

That was nearly 13 years ago. I've remarried and am happy with my new wife. I do worry about her dying, but on the other hand, I hope she never has to go through what I did, so hope I outlive her -- or that we both go out together at age 120 from killer big O's. I still miss my late wife, but it's more of a pleasant memory when I think of her now -- no tears.

I lost both of my parents in the past 5 years. They were both old (86 & 90) and it was time for them to go. It was a sad time, but not grief.

Your father was too young to die. I'm 63, and I hope to go another 20 or 30, but I could have died years ago but for the marvels of modern medicine. If I go tomorrow I'll have done alright in the larger scheme of life. I'm sure your father had a good life, a complete life.

You might take a look at your library or bookstore for some reading material about overcoming grief. I had one that listed, chapter-by-chapter, the necessary steps to overcoming grief.

Your community probably has support groups also, and offers grief counseling. After my late wife's death, I joined one of those groups, at the urging of an acquaintance who'd lost his wife. It was guided by a trained counselor but mostly a talk session -- someone to listen to you -- maybe make suggestions. Kinda like you can do here, but you might find face-to-face contact better.

I didn't go to the weekly sessions for long. To be honest, I don't think they helped me much. I preferred grieving alone. And my neighbors will willing to listen to me talk about her over the fence.

Last but not least, my deepest sympathy to you. Just remember your father and don't be afraid to talk about him -- that's how you prolong his life.
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Old 02-23-2009, 06:52 PM
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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Originally Posted by the one View Post
its particularly hard to lose someone you love, but its a bit harder to lose someone you love and were IN love with.
Interesting. I assume that's from experience? I can't imagine you could make that call for anyone but yourself. And I can't imagine the grief I felt for my brother and sister being worse than it was. I lost 12 pounds in the first week when my brother died. I didn't even know that was possible.
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Old 02-23-2009, 06:53 PM
Location: ***Spokane***
1,092 posts, read 2,993,892 times
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Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
You are just getting started with dealing with the loss of your father. Give yourself time, plenty of time...
Yes, my Father passed away 12 years ago this Wednesday , the pain of the loss is always there, and also the memories seem to become so very strong and he's in my dreams almost weekly...Sorry to hear of your Father passing away...
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:06 PM
Location: La lune et les étoiles
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So sorry for your loss.

You will never "get over" the loss of your father. I lost my father last year very suddenly. It was a real shock to the system.

My advice would just be to allow yourself to truly feel everything that your body, heart and mind are telling you to. It is important to not suppress those emotions.

It really helped me to write in a journal any and everything that I can remember about my Dad: conversations that we have had, things that he used to do, advice that he has given, jokes that he would tell, any and everything. This is my way of keeping him close in my heart and my mind, always.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:19 PM
Location: In my skin
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I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to say how long it will take. We can only tell you what our experience has been and that time will certainly assuage your pain. Just make you sure you allow yourself the time to grieve.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
Ok well at least I won't feel silly for still feeling very very sad
Of course not. What you really need to understand here is that you are the victim of the notion of "closure," a breathtakingly shallow concept ginned up by the psychotherapists of the world.

Closure is foisted on us by people who think that grief should abate on schedule, that loss is something can be cured immediately, and that happiness should be your natural state.

Well, it isn't. But the self-help business would have you believe that any grieving that goes on longer than a few weeks is somehow injurious, and that anybody who is sad over a loss more than a month or so is a candidate for psychotherapy.

Instead, realize that your loss takes time to repair and that, even when you think you're mostly done with the process, you will suddenly be reminded how much you miss someone. The triggers can be anything at anytime. A holiday. A funny joke that you once shared.

But never feel guilty about the pain you feel. It merely shows the depth of the love you felt for the person you miss.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:37 PM
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,866,345 times
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He will always be with you and you will always miss him. But time lends a gentler hand. The first year's holidays are difficult. After that, you're over the biggest hump. When you know you were loved by the person who died, as time goes on, it becomes a comfort - and though your father is no longer with you in presence, he is always with you in spirit, and that also is a comfort. You will eventually reach that point - it's still very fresh for you.
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Old 02-23-2009, 07:40 PM
3,440 posts, read 7,046,744 times
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Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
My father passed away Feb. 9 and I still am not over it Does it get better. I know this is not a unique situation since most people will have to deal with this and my father was to young at 68 to die and gave his all to myself and brother and sister. It almost seems like I am getting worse. The first week after he passed I just truly felt like he would be home next week and he was just away. I have been having mild anxiety attacks and I cannot think of my Dad without tears. I feel guilty for not calling my Mom more since she is sooo sad at losing him. How does one handle all this
I truly feel for you... I'm going through it myself... I lost my childhood BEST friend a few months ago.. He was only 27 and was killed in a motorcycle accident; a car made an illegal u turn and hit him.

For me, going through about 8-9 deaths all I can say is that the pain you feel varies from person to person and each day you just deal with it the best you can.

Some days you feel angry and aggressive about it and other days you feel weak and just want somebody to hold you. Either way however you feel just let yourself feel the feelings and allow your mind to go through the grieving process.

Also, try not to sit around too much doing nothing; I have noticed that many people including myself take on projects to stay busy... As a matter or fact another friend of mine was murdered a few years ago and her mom out of the tragic situation decided to wright a book... Well, now that book will be at a local store near you...

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So more or less death creates a lot of energy and it's up to you to use it in a negative or positive way. Add if I may add something; death is just like a relay race, the baton is now in your hand so run with it!! I know thats what your dad would want you to do...
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