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Old 02-27-2009, 04:53 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
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The five emotional stages of dealing with dying are, denial,anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
My heart goes out to you!
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Old 03-02-2009, 04:14 PM
 
Location: Utah
4,968 posts, read 13,996,516 times
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So sorry to hear about your loss. I too am grieving for my father. He died 8/4/08 and I still cry every day. I think I'm in Stage 4:

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.


I tend to isolate myself from people because they're used to my happy demeanor and I'm just not myself these days.

I found that talking about my dad with my sibilings helped me....or sharing memories of him with others who knew him. My dad was a very patient, understanding man. He gave me strength and was my greatest cheerleader. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or stressed, he'd talk me through a plan of attack and I'd move forward facing my challenges. He's no longer physically hear, but I hear his voice guiding me through my sadness and challenges.

Seek out help if you need it. Don't feel as though you're all alone in your grief.
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Old 03-02-2009, 05:43 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,520,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
My father passed away Feb. 9 and I still am not over it Does it get better. I know this is not a unique situation since most people will have to deal with this and my father was to young at 68 to die and gave his all to myself and brother and sister. It almost seems like I am getting worse. The first week after he passed I just truly felt like he would be home next week and he was just away. I have been having mild anxiety attacks and I cannot think of my Dad without tears. I feel guilty for not calling my Mom more since she is sooo sad at losing him. How does one handle all this
Can I tell you that you are so very much in my thoughts and prayers?

I lost my father in 1995 when I was twenty or so. I think everyone must be different, in how long things take, as well as who the person they lost is.

When I lost my Dad it was very hard on me. I was a Daddys girl and losing him was like losing my world. I was taking care of him at home, he had cancer. He ended up in the hospital and the dr told me I could no longer care for him in my home, I would have to put him in a nursing facility. I told the dr I would never do that.

Sad part is, we were both right. I never took care of him in our home again and I also never put him in a nursing home.

I got a call the next morning from his family dr to come to the hospital right away and say my good byes.

My mother sat there in a zone to the direct right of my father. I went to him and watched him breathe. I hugged him. frankly, I did not know what to do.

In my family, we were never told that we loved one another and there were no hugs and kisses.

My father stopped breathing and I ran and got a nurse. She says to me this is how it happens with these people.

I will never forget how I felt when she talked to me that way about my father. I watched him take his last breath. I hugged his body as my mother just sat there and for the very first time in my life, I told my father I loved him. I wondered to myself if he knew. I f he knew I had always loved him but didn't know how to say it.

My mother left the hospital and I was left to take care of arrangements. I could not stop crying and the tears did not stop for a very long time. At this point in my life, I did not know the Lord.

I went to his grave several times a week for months. I saw his name. I knew he had passed but in order to protect my heart, my mind played a trick on me.

I got myself to thinking that he was not gone. Perhaps he was just in the hospital or somewhere and I was unable to see him at the time. This went on for six long months.

I still miss him but the tears are not what they used to be. Now I think back to all the good times. The happy times. The tears come to me when I need him the most. Times like right now.

I have some things going on right now that I could just use my mom and dad. I would love to have them back, if only for a minute, an hour.

There was a big difference in the way I handled things and accepted them when my mom passed. The Lord was with me then. I was prepared for her death. I was taking care of her as well, also with cancer and I lost her on 12242000.

It has taken many years to be ok around Christmas time. Her birthday was Friday past and I did great.

We have time, it is with us. We just have to use it. I wish all the best for you. Please accept my most sincere condolences in the loss of your father.

Robyn
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Old 03-02-2009, 05:50 PM
 
Location: Northern NH
4,551 posts, read 9,861,102 times
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Thanks....I tear up when I read these wonderul posts by everybody They are so kind. I find I have been dreaming a lot about odd things that I could bring my father back to life if I edited my status on my computer I also had a dream that I was dead but I could still post things on the computer but I thought that it was not appropriate Ugggg...I am such a strange one
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Texas
5,070 posts, read 8,765,860 times
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My mother died Friday the 27th of February. I had just seen her the previous day. She was very sick with pneumonia in one lung. I had the idea that it was possible I'd never see her again, hence the visit. Unfortunately, it was my last time to see her alive, yet I didn't feel the regret I would have felt, had I not made the trip see her.

That Friday, after the shock of learning she was dead, I thought I had cried my last tears. I was wrong. She was the best mother anyone could have - Sweet, considerate, always helpful and supportive, a teacher for most of my early life (as well as professionally), and was always there for me as well as for others. I cannot stress how glad I was to have been there for her.
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Old 03-02-2009, 06:26 PM
 
12,120 posts, read 27,530,749 times
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Default I lost my father

this past 12/2 at age 78. he had a nasty tumor that was diagnosed in 12/03. he passed in the house in the middle of the nite when I was visiting for Thanksgiving holiday. we knew it was going to happen so we were totally prepared so we weren't shocked. we had 5 years to prepare for it and the last 4 1/2 years of his life were very productive and active until last June when he declined very quickly. from then on it was downhill

i grieved in the best way i knew. i didn't shed a lot of tears but i did other things to grieve. i felt good about the gifts i got him when he was still well enough to use them and i got over my fear of flying (I hadn't been on a plane since 1978) and he thanked me for getting over that fear to go out and see him (I'm in NY, dad was in Atlanta) when he was barely coherent to tell me that. i think i recall being more upset in september going back to NY on the plane than after the funeral

i guess there is no one way to grieve. i tried to see my dad's illness as an organic thing similar to life, i know it's not the best way to face grief but it worked for me

i'm doing ok with it and my mom and brother are in atlanta while i'm here in NY with a demanding job and not much in the way of social support. i certainly could use some more social support but i always had difficulty making friends. sometimes that part of it hurts more because it kind of was always an issue when dad was younger and we used to get into arguments about it. i just tried to think of all the good times we had

so give yourself time and lots of it. get counseling if the grief is too much to bear
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:50 PM
 
48,891 posts, read 39,381,014 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aptor hours View Post
My father passed away Feb. 9 and I still am not over it Does it get better. I know this is not a unique situation since most people will have to deal with this and my father was to young at 68 to die and gave his all to myself and brother and sister. It almost seems like I am getting worse. The first week after he passed I just truly felt like he would be home next week and he was just away. I have been having mild anxiety attacks and I cannot think of my Dad without tears. I feel guilty for not calling my Mom more since she is sooo sad at losing him. How does one handle all this
1. Consider a grief support group. I didn't do this last year and am rethinking that decision now as I think it will help me iron out any rough spots I still have from time to time.

2. Your dad LOVED you. How do you think he feels seeing you this way? Is it productive? Try to have some perspective in that we are all going to die and you have a ton of great memories. So try to laugh and remember the good times too in your grief....a celebration of life if you will.

Hang in there. <hug>
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Old 03-03-2009, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Right were I should be!
1,081 posts, read 1,438,505 times
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I know this sounds trite, but it takes as long as it takes.

My husband lost his father after a battle with thyroid cancer over 10 years ago. The doctors said he had 3 months and he confused them all by living for 3 more years. Still, at 56, too young to go. To this day he still has unresolved grief that crops up from time to time. I don't think there is a time 'limit' or that anyone can completely get over the loss of a loved one, especially a parent or child. The best you can hope for is to get to a place where there is a little distance and the good memories outshine the parting.

May you find a measure of peace.
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Old 03-03-2009, 01:17 PM
 
Location: syracuse ny
2,412 posts, read 4,389,330 times
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Most places now have berievement support. With hotlines and everything. It really does help.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:22 PM
 
1 posts, read 2,033 times
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I definately understand where you are coming from. My father died 8 days after my 11th birthday, he was only 43. It wasn't until the 1 year anniversary where I broke down in front of my mom. I had always felt that I had to be strong in front of her and because of that my whole family thought I had coping problems. Everyone deals with pain differently. I keep it in and I cry in private. I am now 24 years old and I have been hurting alot more lately, due to the fact that I will be getting engaged soon and the thought of not having my father there, kills me. My advise to you, is cry whenever you feel it coming on. You will feel much better. Also, write things down when you get in that "funk". I wrote a long poem a few years after my father died and it eased the pain I felt that day. I unfortunately had friends at the age of 16 who also lost a parent. Find someone you can talk to and actually relate to you. The lose of any other family member other than a parent, doesn't know what you are going through. Stay strong. The pain will never go away, but you will learn to use that pain to think of all the good times you had with your father.
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