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I really need somehelp with this..my husbands family has always hated me......I plan on having a memorial service and if a light luncheon at the church.....I am not going to give those folks a chance to grandstand or possible be abusive to me at this horrible time in my life....I do not want to see him in a box......they hardly come to see him now......its disgusting....br
boy I could have written this post when my aunt died my uncles side of the family chose to argue with one another and One of the cousins told my Uncle that he had killed her and he just knew it . I could not believe my ears I dont know why people use a memorial service or a funeral to air their grievance with another family member and her sister my other aunt had a really nice luncheon planned and they chose to berate her as well and told her right then and there that a luncheon was in poor taste and they would not attend and there she was stuck with a luncheon planned for the whole crowd and half of them did not show there was quite a bit of food that would have went to waist and i asked the pator if he or his wife could arrange to have the leftovers taken to the homeless shelter and of course his wife said certainly and we all felt better after that . I dont know why some family members choose that time to show their behinds !!! so I truly understand where you are coming from and i feel for you having been there before too .
I could not believe my ears I dont know why people use a memorial service or a funeral to air their grievance with another family member...
Maybe in the case where it is known that this type of thing might happen, folks close to the deceased might enlist the aid of a few very neutral but respected parties in advance to step in and quietly say, "Please, this is neither the time or place for this conversation." Such timely intervention will normally effectively quell the outburst.
It's been my observation that people close to the deceased are rarely their best selves and these types of family rows (normally brewing under the surface for years) do occasionally happen in the heat of the moment. If there are loose cannons in attendance, best to have folks roaming about to snuff the fires out. A family pastor, a respected friend someone who can remain above the fray...
I so appreciate the help you have given me with this...I am a Christian and I cannot help it my husband and I loved each other.and his family never accepted me..it did take two of us..its been twenty years..my gosh..
I don't have family left locally..they are everywhere..I am hoping I can go about his last wishes so I .can have a loving, respectful memorial..I am pretty much on my own now..he is terminal..they call it pallative..but he is still fighting.....I find myself trying to keep it together so that he does not have to suffer that way as well...I have not heard from anyone at church tho..I cannot believe how things have changed since he has had this pancreatic cancer...people seem to have jumped ship...and I believe I have two friends now that even call.....what is wrong with this world.......I hate being so needy .thank you so kindly...Katonka
I think it is all about the survivors and friends and family of the deceased person. It is a chance to say goodbye, a sort of closure for many people. This summer my sister was killed in a car wreck. It was a horrible situation for all of us. My niece, her husband, friend and nephew put together everything regarding a memorial service, and a celebration of life that next week. I cannot tell you how sweet it was to see how loved my sister is/was. To be able to witness all the people that loved her, so many that she had done loving and caring things for over her adult life was in a way healing....and a real blessing to be there since I live so many states away. I miss our weekly calls, the way we stayed connected to each other...I always will. But to be a participant in honoring her life was a blessing I will always hold dear. That is the "why" for me.
We have done two memorial services and had lunch at the church. Those services with the cremated remains turned out beautiful. Beautiful songs, and beautiful words from children and grandchildren.
It was so much more uplifting then the funeral home and open casket way.
Some words would make you cry, but others made you laugh. The stories of the past brought everyones attention.
After my Mothers Celebration Service my cousins did the same for their parents. They felt how uplifting the service was.
Don't worry about anyone hating you. Plan the service and your speakers that will walk to the front.
Have it well organized and flowing. Hire one singer at least or the church chorus.
Chose songs you and he loved. Its all about his wonderful life. Head up, chin high.....and your beautiful service will work just fine.
My adult daughter lost one of her best friends, Marcia... recently from a long couple years battle w/ cancer. The memorial service was held at a beach park right on the water, Marcia's favorite park. So many people turned up, it was a beautiful day and such beautiful things said and funny stories told. A passerby they asked to take pictures was so touched observing all these friends and family and hearing the stories that he announced..."I love Marcia too now" Marcia would have loved it!!
Do what you do in love and caring for your spouse. Whatever he would enjoy do that. You owe nothing to anyone else, just to your memories of your loved one. If people love the person, they will adjust to whatever service you hold.
A funeral gives the family and friends an opportunity to honor the one that passed. I think it also helps in the grieving process. Sometimes people just can't believe that there loved one has died, and a funeral gives them a good reality check. It allows everyone to say their last goodbyes as well.
I so appreciate the help you have given me with this...I am a Christian and I cannot help it my husband and I loved each other.and his family never accepted me..it did take two of us..its been twenty years..my gosh..
I don't have family left locally..they are everywhere..I am hoping I can go about his last wishes so I .can have a loving, respectful memorial..I am pretty much on my own now..he is terminal..they call it pallative..but he is still fighting.....I find myself trying to keep it together so that he does not have to suffer that way as well...I have not heard from anyone at church tho..I cannot believe how things have changed since he has had this pancreatic cancer...people seem to have jumped ship...and I believe I have two friends now that even call.....what is wrong with this world.......I hate being so needy .thank you so kindly...Katonka
It took a minute to see you aren't the original OP. But, I want to say that I'm so sorry you are having to go through this time w/ your husband feeling so alone. You should ask the ladies auxillary of the hospital where your husband is spending his last time. If it is a nursing home, ask for the director of soc. service....if a home the hospice staff. Call your old church groups, ask for help....Ask for help on here, many folks will respond and help you.
Many people in real life are afraid they will be imposing, especially as seriously ill as your hubby is. Do not hesitate to ask....you may be surprised how many people are there for you, just waiting for a way to help.
At my sisters memorial, actually right after her car wreck....The place she had felt so let down, her job...The people came through so beautifully helping daily w/ meals, doing things my niece and her hubby were too preoccupied to do...Helping and serving food, cleaning doing everything...My sister would not have thought they all loved her so much but it was evident she was very well liked and respected.
Katonka....Just ask even one person from church to help, or mention what you need...you may be surprised. May your higher power give you and your husband strength and keep you safe.
I've always wondered the same thing. They are depressing and bring even more grief to the family and friends who attend. I cant speak for everyone but for me the last image of a loved one that I want in my mind is of them laying in a coffin dead.
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