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Old 07-15-2009, 07:25 PM
 
Location: Mobile
8 posts, read 15,294 times
Reputation: 16

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Grief and Mourning! There is no time limit on how each person Grieves. Allow yourself all the time you need. I have attached this:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.
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Old 07-15-2009, 07:31 PM
 
Location: in love with life!
5,289 posts, read 1,103,839 times
Reputation: 844
As has been said more than once here, the grief cycle in counseling textbooks is there for a reason, we generally all move through the stages, but at our own rate and the way we move through them is different for each death, as each person we lose meant something different to us. It is important that we allow ourselves to go through the process at whatever speed our minds/bodies need.

There could be many reasons why you (the OP) are feeling the way you do, and without more info I can't diagnose the exact reason, but even the death of someone that was just a great co-worker can cause feelings to arise, such as a renewed focus on our mortality and the mortality of those that are our dearest friends and family. Or it could be, that this person meant a lot to you, even if you didn't socialize much outside of work.

Mainly, just let yourself grieve and find flesh and blood people, or at least one person to talk with when you need to. Having someone who will be there for ya and let you show them how you need to deal with this is one of the cool things about being human.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:19 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by coyoteskye View Post
hi,
i'm sorry for your sorrow.
your post is poignant.
i'm not much help here but i just pulled up this google page for grief forums.
Google
i would think it would be helpful if you found a group in your area that would allow you to talk to other people in person.
the warmth, support and love that you can receive from / with other embodied people, may be much more helpful even though on-line support can be very good as well.
but, i tend to think that relating to others is optimal when we are actually with them.
so much transpires between people that is missed when communication on-line.
i imagine that there are support groups in your area and i wouldn't let the fact that you're not an actual family member deter you.
the one thing that i can say is that it's important for you to feel anything and everything that comes up and to not judge it ... just be with yourself and what you are experiencing even when the feelings are very difficult.
the more one accepts what's happening the more easy it is to move on to the next stage of things.
blessings.
Thank you so much! I actually considered doing this and still may. I'm having up and downs but currently I am feeling much better.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:21 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnydog1 View Post
You need to go thru the morning and grief period which lasts at least 90 days, I've been thru this when my best friend from childhood passed away a few years ago and I wondered the same thing.
Just hang in there and remember all of the good times you had together. Give it alittle more time and you'll be fine.
Sunnydog1,

If only you knew how much your simple words helped. Haven't reached 90 days yet but I know I will feel better by then. Last week I felt really really sad and this week I am good. It is definitely an emotional rollercoaster. Hopefully, it will soon balance out and the sad days won't return.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:22 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roaddog View Post
I understand how you feel, it takes time, i lost my Dad May 3rd and I'm not even close to feeling better, good days and bad days over and over, I don't have the answers that can help, i just know it takes time. i do know when I'm tired it's a lot worst, try to get some good sleep. You want to talk about it you can PM me.
Roaddog,

thank you so much. I feel the same!! good days and bad days. It's really weird, but hearing this from you at least I know it is normal. Thanks for even caring enough to comment on this post. My condolensces on the loss of your father.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:29 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah View Post
Most hospitals run grief groups, for anyone who feels bereaved, whether or not the deceased was a patient in that hospital. Most are also free. Check around in your area.
I never knew this. I will surely keep this in mind. Thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by LookinForMayberry View Post
Atl;

My sympathy in your loss. I hope you don't see this as critical, because it isn't intended as such, but you should not concern yourself with whether your grief is normal. Your grief is your grief, it isn't something you model after another's grief, it's just your response to an event.

True, Kubler-Ross identified stages of grief in the late-60s, but she also stated that these are what people tended to feel. She herself deviated from the pattern, and acknowledged it.

The bottom line is that you had, and still have, an emotional attachment to another that can no longer continue, because that other is gone from you. If you try to deny or suppress your emotions, you will experience greater pain over the long-term (including physical manifestations).

Let yourself feel the emotion, but exercise caution in your responses to it. If you find you are behaving in a way that is destructive (or has potential to be) to yourself, seek help immediately.

Talking about your grief to another -- out loud, helps immensely. Writing or talking about the feelings you had for the departed, as well as just talking about them and your experiences with them, is also helpful. In my recent loss, I found making up a photo collage of the times we spent together, rehashing those good memories, was very helpful.

If you are angry, resentful, or any of the emotions you perceive as negative, you need to express them, too. If you are embarrassed by them, take them to a secluded place and shout them out -- or carry your cellphone and shout into it in a crowd. No one will know you are not having an argument. (comic levity intended)

The important thing is to be true to yourself and your relationship with the departed, in whatever form is real to you.

Know that in time the hurt will go away, and the good will remain.

God bless you.
Thank you so much Lookin. Your post definitely gives me hope. I now realize that I was making myself feel guilty for loving my friend so much but now reading this I know that no one can tell me what I should and shouldn't feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by shellyfl View Post
My father died July 7, 2009. I can't believe this.
Shellyfl,

Are you okay? My prayers are with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DCYE View Post
Hello all....I don't know if this is the place I should be but I thought I'd give it a try. July 5, 2009, my brother in law passed away. He was a welder and my sister was a welder's helper. They travelled all over the U.S. They were in Columbus Ohio on a job and he collasped. He was taken to the Doctor on Monday and Wed. he was put in the hospital...then an anurism and/or a blood clot happened and he was put on the machines to keep him alive. Then on Sunday it was decided to turn the machines off...no hope. Before the turned them off, My sister crawled up in the hospital bed with him. When I heard that especially, I couldn't hold it together anymore. He was only 52 years old. My sister and he had been married 11 years. They were best friends.
Now I don't really know how to help my sister except to be there for her. She is so lost.
Thanks for letting me post here.
I hope with time things will get better. My condolences.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhotogGal View Post
My deepest sympathy to all of you on this thread who have suffered a loss, whether it be a co-worker, close friend or relative.

Back in 1990 I lost a co-worker who also happened to be my best friend to lung cancer. She was only 49. I visited her in the hospital when she was undergoing chemo, but when she came home (and eventually went into a hospice program), I was allowed to see her only once, and after that she didn't want any more visitors. In addition to mourning her loss, it bothered me for years that she wouldn't allow me to be there for her near the end. She died the day after Christmas that year, and I had lost my maternal grandfather shortly after Thanksgiving that same year, so I was a mess, as he was the one constant and wonderful man who'd been there for me my whole life. I still have trouble with the holiday season to this day because I can't help but think of them.

In 1996 I lost my husband to prostate cancer that had gone into his bones. He'd been sick for a long time but was confined to the house and in hospice care for about four months when he passed. That was a devastating loss for both me and my stepsons, but we each dealt with it in our own ways. I sought counseling through the local hospice and joined a support group for younger widowed persons. It wasn't until a year later that one of my stepsons join a gruop at the same hospice for adult children who had lost a parent (And it was there, coincidentally, that he met his wife!).

It's now been 13 years since my husband passed, and I'm doing fine, but there are times when it feels like yesterday and everything is fresh in my mind. It does get easier as time passes, but I never forget.

I can tell you from experience that grief takes as long as it takes. You cannot assign a time limit to it, and there is no way around it. You need to experience it and work through it or it will eventually bubble up and you'll have to deal with it later.

There are grief support groups at local hospitals, at most local hospices and at some churches. You will find others there who are feeling similar to how you feel, and you will bond with them and help each other cope. I'm still good friends with some from my group to this day.

I can tell you that while you're friends and coworkers may try to help you or offer you comfort, unless they have suffered a loss themselves, they really don't have a clue what you're feeling and, most likely, won't even know what to say that may seem appropriate.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it some more.
Thanks for sharing your story. I was really suffering with this and my sister asked why I didn't lean on her. I told her I just couldn't, but now I know why...she wouldn't understand.

It's definitely something you have to take up with God, yourself and possibly counseling.
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:31 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalaw View Post
Grief and Mourning! There is no time limit on how each person Grieves. Allow yourself all the time you need. I have attached this:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.
lalaw,

I hope you don't mind that I save this. I need to read this until I am okay with this. This is the right perspective and I know it is so. It is just hard to remember this when your emotions take over. God bless you!
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Old 07-31-2009, 09:34 PM
 
387 posts, read 1,446,728 times
Reputation: 156
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmyPoohFan317 View Post
As has been said more than once here, the grief cycle in counseling textbooks is there for a reason, we generally all move through the stages, but at our own rate and the way we move through them is different for each death, as each person we lose meant something different to us. It is important that we allow ourselves to go through the process at whatever speed our minds/bodies need.

There could be many reasons why you (the OP) are feeling the way you do, and without more info I can't diagnose the exact reason, but even the death of someone that was just a great co-worker can cause feelings to arise, such as a renewed focus on our mortality and the mortality of those that are our dearest friends and family. Or it could be, that this person meant a lot to you, even if you didn't socialize much outside of work.

Mainly, just let yourself grieve and find flesh and blood people, or at least one person to talk with when you need to. Having someone who will be there for ya and let you show them how you need to deal with this is one of the cool things about being human.
thank you. I feel better now to know I am normal for what I'm feeling. I think this has been hard for me because I kept/keep wondering if he suffered. I feel better this last week because I finally come to the realization that it does not matter if he suffered because if he did I can't change that now. What matters is that he is not suffering anymore. I keep reminding myself of that and because of this I've had a good week. last week was horrible because I was not quite convinced. It was a sad week for me.
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