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Old 07-05-2009, 08:09 PM
 
388 posts, read 1,498,054 times
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Hi all,

I lost a friend on June 1st of this year. He was a coworker but meant a lot to me. We rarely hung out outside of work but at work he was one of my dearest friends. I feel like my grief is a bit much for it to be a coworker relationship. Maybe I am not being fair to myself. I've already got to the stage of acceptance. I know he is gone and not coming back. Once I reached that level of acceptance and realized that he probably did not have long to live anyway I felt so much better. However a few days after that I was back to feeling horrible. Now what is happening is I keep running over in my mind his last days. I wasn't with him in his last days. I feel like a family member who does not know how their family died and wants closure. I know now what he died of but the circumstances leading up to it are foggy and I know I should not be concerned. I should just be happy he is in a better place and not suffering. So I guess my real question is is it normal to consume yourself with what the persons last days may have been like even though you already made peace with the fact that they are gone? How long does this last? It has been a little over 30 days should I give myself more time before seeking grief counseling? He is in my every waking thought.

Does anyone know of a grief board? Not sure what else to call it. where I can let my feelings out. Sort of like this but focused on grief. maybe i can talk to people in similar situations.
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Old 07-05-2009, 11:08 PM
 
Location: Santa Cruz, CA
2,903 posts, read 11,420,928 times
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hi,
i'm sorry for your sorrow.
your post is poignant.
i'm not much help here but i just pulled up this google page for grief forums.
Google
i would think it would be helpful if you found a group in your area that would allow you to talk to other people in person.
the warmth, support and love that you can receive from / with other embodied people, may be much more helpful even though on-line support can be very good as well.
but, i tend to think that relating to others is optimal when we are actually with them.
so much transpires between people that is missed when communication on-line.
i imagine that there are support groups in your area and i wouldn't let the fact that you're not an actual family member deter you.
the one thing that i can say is that it's important for you to feel anything and everything that comes up and to not judge it ... just be with yourself and what you are experiencing even when the feelings are very difficult.
the more one accepts what's happening the more easy it is to move on to the next stage of things.
blessings.
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Old 07-09-2009, 08:05 PM
 
Location: chicago,Il. USA
55 posts, read 232,140 times
Reputation: 67
You need to go thru the morning and grief period which lasts at least 90 days, I've been thru this when my best friend from childhood passed away a few years ago and I wondered the same thing.
Just hang in there and remember all of the good times you had together. Give it alittle more time and you'll be fine.
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Old 07-10-2009, 10:54 PM
 
Location: California
11,433 posts, read 17,110,518 times
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Default atlcharm

I understand how you feel, it takes time, i lost my Dad May 3rd and I'm not even close to feeling better, good days and bad days over and over, I don't have the answers that can help, i just know it takes time. i do know when I'm tired it's a lot worst, try to get some good sleep. You want to talk about it you can PM me.
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Old 07-11-2009, 01:08 AM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,814 posts, read 55,781,243 times
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Most hospitals run grief groups, for anyone who feels bereaved, whether or not the deceased was a patient in that hospital. Most are also free. Check around in your area.
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Old 07-11-2009, 04:58 AM
 
Location: Kenmore, WA
7,455 posts, read 6,447,750 times
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Atl;

My sympathy in your loss. I hope you don't see this as critical, because it isn't intended as such, but you should not concern yourself with whether your grief is normal. Your grief is your grief, it isn't something you model after another's grief, it's just your response to an event.

True, Kubler-Ross identified stages of grief in the late-60s, but she also stated that these are what people tended to feel. She herself deviated from the pattern, and acknowledged it.

The bottom line is that you had, and still have, an emotional attachment to another that can no longer continue, because that other is gone from you. If you try to deny or suppress your emotions, you will experience greater pain over the long-term (including physical manifestations).

Let yourself feel the emotion, but exercise caution in your responses to it. If you find you are behaving in a way that is destructive (or has potential to be) to yourself, seek help immediately.

Talking about your grief to another -- out loud, helps immensely. Writing or talking about the feelings you had for the departed, as well as just talking about them and your experiences with them, is also helpful. In my recent loss, I found making up a photo collage of the times we spent together, rehashing those good memories, was very helpful.

If you are angry, resentful, or any of the emotions you perceive as negative, you need to express them, too. If you are embarrassed by them, take them to a secluded place and shout them out -- or carry your cellphone and shout into it in a crowd. No one will know you are not having an argument. (comic levity intended)

The important thing is to be true to yourself and your relationship with the departed, in whatever form is real to you.

Know that in time the hurt will go away, and the good will remain.

God bless you.
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Old 07-15-2009, 07:42 AM
 
1 posts, read 2,118 times
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My father died July 7, 2009. I can't believe this.
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Old 07-15-2009, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,814 posts, read 55,781,243 times
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Oh shellyfi, I am so sorry for your loss. My mother called me out of the blue one morning to tell me my father had died in the night. While he was old, he had seemed in pretty good health.

Please talk to whoever can give you some comnfort. The 1st Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. without him is going to be hard. His birthday, your birthday, all the things you did together as a family. Again, my sympathies to you and your family.
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Old 07-15-2009, 06:51 PM
 
310 posts, read 658,307 times
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Hello all....I don't know if this is the place I should be but I thought I'd give it a try. July 5, 2009, my brother in law passed away. He was a welder and my sister was a welder's helper. They travelled all over the U.S. They were in Columbus Ohio on a job and he collasped. He was taken to the Doctor on Monday and Wed. he was put in the hospital...then an anurism and/or a blood clot happened and he was put on the machines to keep him alive. Then on Sunday it was decided to turn the machines off...no hope. Before the turned them off, My sister crawled up in the hospital bed with him. When I heard that especially, I couldn't hold it together anymore. He was only 52 years old. My sister and he had been married 11 years. They were best friends.
Now I don't really know how to help my sister except to be there for her. She is so lost.
Thanks for letting me post here.
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Old 07-15-2009, 07:18 PM
 
Location: Greater Greenville, SC
5,891 posts, read 11,372,737 times
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My deepest sympathy to all of you on this thread who have suffered a loss, whether it be a co-worker, close friend or relative.

Back in 1990 I lost a co-worker who also happened to be my best friend to lung cancer. She was only 49. I visited her in the hospital when she was undergoing chemo, but when she came home (and eventually went into a hospice program), I was allowed to see her only once, and after that she didn't want any more visitors. In addition to mourning her loss, it bothered me for years that she wouldn't allow me to be there for her near the end. She died the day after Christmas that year, and I had lost my maternal grandfather shortly after Thanksgiving that same year, so I was a mess, as he was the one constant and wonderful man who'd been there for me my whole life. I still have trouble with the holiday season to this day because I can't help but think of them.

In 1996 I lost my husband to prostate cancer that had gone into his bones. He'd been sick for a long time but was confined to the house and in hospice care for about four months when he passed. That was a devastating loss for both me and my stepsons, but we each dealt with it in our own ways. I sought counseling through the local hospice and joined a support group for younger widowed persons. It wasn't until a year later that one of my stepsons join a gruop at the same hospice for adult children who had lost a parent (And it was there, coincidentally, that he met his wife!).

It's now been 13 years since my husband passed, and I'm doing fine, but there are times when it feels like yesterday and everything is fresh in my mind. It does get easier as time passes, but I never forget.

I can tell you from experience that grief takes as long as it takes. You cannot assign a time limit to it, and there is no way around it. You need to experience it and work through it or it will eventually bubble up and you'll have to deal with it later.

There are grief support groups at local hospitals, at most local hospices and at some churches. You will find others there who are feeling similar to how you feel, and you will bond with them and help each other cope. I'm still good friends with some from my group to this day.

I can tell you that while you're friends and coworkers may try to help you or offer you comfort, unless they have suffered a loss themselves, they really don't have a clue what you're feeling and, most likely, won't even know what to say that may seem appropriate.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk about it some more.
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