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Old 09-14-2009, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Silver Spring,Maryland
885 posts, read 1,680,298 times
Reputation: 603

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Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia. My mom had diabeties since 1990 and the Dr's say she had some heart stoppage that caused her to stop breathing, she started breathing again but was braindead when 911 was called.

My parents were 45/42 when I was born. I never saw them as young and as a kid I always had a "fear" something bad would happen. ( I think this may be common with those of us with older parents?). Anyway, I am now 37 and my sister is 53. Two weeks before she passed I went back home to visit her and tell her I loved her, and I asked her about her wishes. She had a bad high blood sugar attack (1500) and her kidneys failed but they were able to get her back to normal after 1 1/2 weeks. I "knew" that was the last time I would see her alive and I knew she was aware her time was near.

I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.

Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:12 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,848 posts, read 3,046,793 times
Reputation: 1138
I am sorry for you - I know it sucks, waking up sucks, eating sucks, seeing daylight sucks, it all sucks.

My mom died suddenly when I was 23 and she was 49.

What got me through that hard initial time was good friends, my sister and Dad and knowing that if I did not end my pity party and get back to school that my mom would be devestated - somehow.

So I continued college just 2 weeks after mourning, went back to my waitressing job, started dating etc.

I graduated, met my future husband, got a house, got a job and am happy. And I have her encouragement to thank for it...and my strength.

Take you time...and then soar baby soar. Run a marathon, paint, write, do karaoke, take a road trip by yourself, try sushi - do it all.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:24 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,844 posts, read 54,195,655 times
Reputation: 22787
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigbluelandrover View Post
Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia. My mom had diabeties since 1990 and the Dr's say she had some heart stoppage that caused her to stop breathing, she started breathing again but was braindead when 911 was called.

My parents were 45/42 when I was born. I never saw them as young and as a kid I always had a "fear" something bad would happen. ( I think this may be common with those of us with older parents?). Anyway, I am now 37 and my sister is 53. Two weeks before she passed I went back home to visit her and tell her I loved her, and I asked her about her wishes. She had a bad high blood sugar attack (1500) and her kidneys failed but they were able to get her back to normal after 1 1/2 weeks. I "knew" that was the last time I would see her alive and I knew she was aware her time was near.

I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.
I'm so sorry...

Quote:
Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
Yes, we can. Forgive me, but I can't get into this right now...

I'd recommend a couple of books to you:

Motherless Daughters - the legacy of loss; by Hope Edelman
The Orphaned Adult - understanding and coping with grief and change after the death of our parents; by Alexander Levy
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Bon Temps
1,743 posts, read 2,584,050 times
Reputation: 1746
I am sorry to hear of your loss!

After seeing my grandparents pass a few years ago, I realize that nothing lasts forever and to be thankful for the time I had with them. I really am not good at coping with things like this myself.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:33 PM
 
590 posts, read 1,020,491 times
Reputation: 308
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my mother just a little over a year ago and it hit me like a runaway cement truck. I am just now starting to feel like at least half a person again. Let the grieving process run it's course, do not let anyone set a time parameter on it, it takes as long as it takes.

You are lucky to have your family to help you through this time. There are usually bereavement counseling groups, many free of charge if you should desire to participate in one, you can attend alone or with your family members as a group if you choose. Throw yourself deeper into any hobbies or pasttimes you enjoy, take up new ones as well to help in keeping you busy. Take a break or vacation if need be.

I am not as far along as some, but I can tell you as someone further down this path than yourself but not so far as I cannot see your starting point that it does start to get easier as time passes.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:46 PM
 
Location: New York, NY
1,551 posts, read 1,368,511 times
Reputation: 2090
I'm in a similar situation because my dad was diagnosed with stomach cancer this summer. I can honestly say I've never felt pain or sorrow like this before. I put on a happy face for a month and then couldn't get out of bed the next month. What got me through it was taking all the time I needed and taliking it out with friends.

Last edited by Ticatica; 09-14-2009 at 10:54 PM..
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:54 PM
 
1,492 posts, read 4,565,783 times
Reputation: 1284
After my mom passed away last year, ORPHAN was the word I used to describe my feelings.

Yes, you can be orphaned at any age.

Coping? Just knowing your parents are busy right now and probably can look in on you from time to time. And just knowing that they will live again one day...and that you can live with them.
Death is just part of life, but life is eternal no matter earth or after.

This helps me cope, having the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:54 PM
 
1,860 posts, read 2,594,323 times
Reputation: 1348
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bigbluelandrover View Post
Greetings,
On 9/6/09 my mother passed away. My dad died 4/1/03 from Leukemia. My mom had diabeties since 1990 and the Dr's say she had some heart stoppage that caused her to stop breathing, she started breathing again but was braindead when 911 was called.

My parents were 45/42 when I was born. I never saw them as young and as a kid I always had a "fear" something bad would happen. ( I think this may be common with those of us with older parents?). Anyway, I am now 37 and my sister is 53. Two weeks before she passed I went back home to visit her and tell her I loved her, and I asked her about her wishes. She had a bad high blood sugar attack (1500) and her kidneys failed but they were able to get her back to normal after 1 1/2 weeks. I "knew" that was the last time I would see her alive and I knew she was aware her time was near.

I put on the brave front for the service and burial but I go to work tomorrow and don't know how I am going to make it. I called her everyday on my way home and I have never made that drive without our quick talks. She was such a good friend to me as I became a wife and mother. I am truly devastated. I know she wanted to go and she was tired of dealing with her illness. Can anyone share some coping strategies. I am really hurting right now.

Can adults be considered "orphans"?.
Bigbluelandrover,

I am so sorry. I have not experienced this kind of painful loss, so I won't lie and say I understand.

If anything... please don't be afraid to mourn. I've experienced other types of loss and I learned that crying it out helps. Allow yourself to process the pain.

My parents are in their early 70s and I see them only once or twice a year due to distance. I am always thinking about their health. I sometimes fear what it'll be like when they pass away. Frankly, the mere thought is sometimes very upsetting.

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.
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Old 09-14-2009, 10:57 PM
 
4,222 posts, read 10,186,933 times
Reputation: 3176
My Dad died of prostate cancer when I was 26 just a few days shy of my one year wedding anniversary. You can imagine how tough how tough our first year of marriage was but I'm thankful for my husband who was so understanding and loving. Even though Dad died over four years ago, I think about him everyday. I want to say it gets easier and I guess in a way it does but but you'll miss them forever. I feel like since Dad died, life's just a "new normal" and that things will never be the way things were in the past. I don't doubt that one would feel "orphaned" after losing both parents. I've thought about that idea, too, even though my Mom is still in relatively good shape. Losing my Dad was heart wrenching enough but the idea of losing both parents, to me, just feels so unreal. I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope that you have a good support system and remember, there's always grief counseling available. {hugs}
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Old 09-14-2009, 11:06 PM
 
Location: NoVa
17,891 posts, read 17,374,010 times
Reputation: 18057
I am so sorry for your loss, but I can tell you I have been there. I was born to a 38 year old mother and 52 year old father. It was always my fear growing up that they would die and I would be left without them.

I lost my father to cancer in 1995 when I was just 20. My mother died 5 years later on Christmas eve. I was 25 and had two kids of my own. My father had only met my first born.

There have been older adults in my life who have sort of 'filled in' but they can never take the place of my parents.

It takes some time.... Some times the pain is worse than others. That call on the way home.... I would find someone to call. A good friend maybe, brother or sister.

I know it feels like no one could possibly have felt this pain but we are out there and understand.

I was actually talking to my sister about this a couple of months ago. In my life from November through March is one total depressive state, for the most part. This is due to our family all being together for Thanksgiving, now we are not. Then there is Christmas and new years, my grandmothers birthday...

I lost her as well. An extension of my mother.

Then things start getting better.

I think the pain fades with time.

I have come to a point in my life where I can look back at the good days with my parents, the good memories without being overloaded with the painful loss of each of them.

Now I am not as overwhelmed with their death. I can remember all of the good things.

I do not reach for the phone anymore thinking, I'll call Mom, she'll know what to do.

Now, I reach for the phone and think, I'll call Aunt Sandy, she'll know what to do...

One day you will too...

My thoughts and prayers are with you... now and always. Give it time. You need to heal...
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