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How will I know if I'll second guess my decision in the future? Hubby and kids can't go ( way out of the budget) . My husband supports my decisionbeithervway. The trip would have to go on a credit card that we can't readily pay off. I'm worried there will be a big fight as all the siblings are pretty angry over what my sister did to the house. My sister is clueless as to why anyone would be mad at her. Although my other siblings would not start a fight at a funeral, one wrong word can set my sister off. I'm so stressed over this.
I agree, some times, people don't want or need to have the public display of grief. However, there is a certian amount of closure that occurs with a funeral...I think people get over the grief process quicker, and easier, after attending a funeral. That being said, everyone is different, and maybe if there is family tension, avoiding that drama, is better for everyone. And maybe, the expense of travelling across the country, is just not feasible...
My dad passed on 07/15 and his wishes both spoken & written were no funeral, no wake.
He wanted the priest if death was approaching which we did get and after wanted direct cremation with just a mass at a later date.
My mother of course respected his wishes. Some in the family are having a hard time with this because they feel there is no closure...
Does anyone have an idea if this is what your mom would have wanted? Big elaborate funeral.
I generally attend wakes, funeral, make a shiva call, but more for the surviving family members. I think it's possible to remember the person in any setting or way. But I understand it's really difficult for some people. When my dad died, I appreciated the people who came to the wake and/or funeral, but the cards and phone calls people who couldn't make it sent/made meant just as much.
Also, it depends on how a family gets along. My parents had been split up for 12 years and my mother still managed to cause drama during my dad's last days, with the services and his estate. I could definitely see want to avoid that kind of situation.
I'm not really sure what mom would have wanted. I don't think she would want the viewing at this point. I know she would be horrified if we were to fight. She was always talking about how families can fight over inheritances. She definately didn't want that and this is what this fight will be about. My sister trashing a house that was left to all of us. It will be bear to get her out so we can clean it up and sell it. My sister somehow feels she desrves to live there. She believes that since we all already have our own houses she should get this one. We're talking over $400,000. It sickens me that this is what I'm thinking about at this time.
I'm not really sure what mom would have wanted. I don't think she would want the viewing at this point. I know she would be horrified if we were to fight. She was always talking about how families can fight over inheritances. She definately didn't want that and this is what this fight will be about. My sister trashing a house that was left to all of us. It will be bear to get her out so we can clean it up and sell it. My sister somehow feels she desrves to live there. She believes that since we all already have our own houses she should get this one. We're talking over $400,000. It sickens me that this is what I'm thinking about at this time.
As for not going to the funeral, you were there before she passed and that is DEFINITELY the most important time to say your good-byes. You don't need to second guess your choice. It was the right one at the right time. Don't look back.
As for your sister's selfish and entitled attitude, the law is the law. Follow it and have no regrets if it's not what your sister wants. If it takes a fight to do things by the inheritance laws in the state where your mom passed away, then that is on your sister's head and shoulders to owe up to, not yours. Fair is fair. It's not giving in to family bullies just to keep the peace.
Thanks everyone for the really great advice. Gave me stuff to think about. You all made me see beyond feeling "obligated". You made me see I wasn't so I could move on to the next thing, what would my mother have wanted? I don't think she would expect me to be there. She would, however, probably like to see me make it a priority if it is feasible. She would like you see all her children together and being kind to one another. She understood my sister very well and would probably be upset if I stayed home strictly because of her. She too thought she was a bully. I'll go and be cordial with my sister. I'll make sure to walk away if any words about the house get thrown around. Hope all goes well.
There was a lot of wierdness in my family before my mother passed. All the drama came from a sister and her dysfunctional family. She took over my mothers house and moved in her young daughter and her granddaughter. They trashed the place while mom was in a home, spent moms money, and ran up her charge card. Nothing shocking, this has always been her MO.
Needless to say, she has decided to plan extravagant funeral ( put it on moms tab) for a 96 year old woman whose friends are all dead. This was not my choice and I gave my opinion ( I am very much against embalming for environmental reasons and don't see why there needs to be a viewing. The family all saw her on her death bed. Becausenofmall her plans the funeral could not be done for over a week and a half after the death. My whole family flew across the country to be with mom on her last days. We could not afford to stay two weeks!
Now I am expected to return for the funeral. I am not religious and don't feel I need to go to a catholic burial ( my sisters faith) to say my good byes. I felt it was more important to be with her before she passed. I now feel I'm being bullied into attending. My mother is dead, she is not there ! Why can't I have this opinion?
I get and understand you. You do not need to go. You seem to have good reasons.
As in life, so in death. People do not become holy when they pass.
You don't need to go anywhere. I also question your sisters motives for this huge funeral.
Bad kid......So sorry for your loss, I agree with most of the posts..I think it was very important to be there for your mom when she passed. Whatever you decide, you need to let yourself grieve. As you said, just walk away if your sister starts anything. You don't need that emotional bundle, along with your moms death. Good Luck in what ever you do. It sounds like you have alot of support from these posts.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Did your mom have a Will? Sometimes people will put their wishes for any services or burial in their Wills. Her will might also state how her estate should be divided. A Will is a legal document, so if it states that her home is to be sold and the profits split evenly among her children, you have legal recourse to evict your sister. You might look into whether or not she had a Will.
As for going to the funeral, try not to let your sister get to you. You have a good plan and there's no need to torture yourself by putting up with her. Do what makes you feel comfortable and remember your mom will always be in your heart.
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