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Old 11-08-2016, 03:51 PM
 
Location: Columbia, MD
33 posts, read 26,984 times
Reputation: 17

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Thank you. I am actually sending her a card every day, and actually have been since the stroke. Some days she gets small gifts (necklaces or bracelets that I make myself) or candy. In each card is a picture of a silly animal. Something to make her smile. I hear she loves the cards. Sometimes I send stuffed animals and blankets too. Ollies has soft throws for about $5. That way if she loses it, which she usually does, then it's not a huge deal to replace.
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Old 11-08-2016, 04:08 PM
 
4,111 posts, read 3,447,161 times
Reputation: 8184
Quote:
Originally Posted by C-Krebs View Post
I am about to face my Mother's funeral. She has brain damage due to strokes and alcoholism.

I went to see her twice since the stroke this spring. Most of the time she doesn't know who I am, but when she does she gets very angry. Anyways, I have emptied out my bank accounts (literally) to make these trips. I was hoping to cheer her up but unfortunately have done quite the opposite.

My family was dysfunctional. I had a strained relationship with my Mom. However, I will always love her.

My upbringing was very strange. There was sexual abuse and neglect. I know my parents tried they best they knew how, but we still had problems. I did have food and a home to live in. I was living scared all the time and when I went to my Mom I was blamed for the situation. She didn't have the mental tools to help me. The alcoholism was not helping with this either.

I do not want to go to a funeral. Her friends dislike me, I am broke and am ready to let go of the past. I have already gone threw a mourning process in my own ways. However, the idea that because she is my Mom I feel obligated to attend a funeral.

So, I am on the fence. I appreciate all the comments. Some people think there is an obligation no matter what, and some think it is best for the child to mourn in the way they feel is best, even if that means not going to a funeral.

Thank you for posting.
Mourn in ways that work for you. For instance, I like to plant a tree in honor of the one I have lost.
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Old 11-09-2016, 01:14 AM
 
Location: PNW
2,201 posts, read 735,109 times
Reputation: 7204
Quote:
Originally Posted by C-Krebs View Post
I am about to face my Mother's funeral. She has brain damage due to strokes and alcoholism.

I went to see her twice since the stroke this spring. Most of the time she doesn't know who I am, but when she does she gets very angry. Anyways, I have emptied out my bank accounts (literally) to make these trips. I was hoping to cheer her up but unfortunately have done quite the opposite.

My family was dysfunctional. I had a strained relationship with my Mom. However, I will always love her.

My upbringing was very strange. There was sexual abuse and neglect. I know my parents tried they best they knew how, but we still had problems. I did have food and a home to live in. I was living scared all the time and when I went to my Mom I was blamed for the situation. She didn't have the mental tools to help me. The alcoholism was not helping with this either.

I do not want to go to a funeral. Her friends dislike me, I am broke and am ready to let go of the past. I have already gone threw a mourning process in my own ways. However, the idea that because she is my Mom I feel obligated to attend a funeral.

So, I am on the fence. I appreciate all the comments. Some people think there is an obligation no matter what, and some think it is best for the child to mourn in the way they feel is best, even if that means not going to a funeral.

Thank you for posting.
Here's the thing:


Funerals aren't about the dead - it's about the loved ones left behind, and is usually a time for family and loved ones to bring each other comfort. You did not mention siblings, so I assume you don't have any. If you do, and get along with them, then I think you should try to attend. But if you don't, and since you certainly have no obligations to please her friends, then by all means DON'T GO. I wouldn't.
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Old 11-17-2016, 11:31 AM
 
484 posts, read 295,148 times
Reputation: 565
People always say people grieve in different ways, but if youre part of a big family and don't go to a funeral, they will either try to shame you into going or pressure you in another way. Personally, I think that once someone dies it is unnecessary to have a big long hours event going over every single aspect of their life stressing over music, food, and wtv else. Sometimes it feels like they care more about 'keeping up appearance's than actually saying goodbye. And it seems especially disrespectful to others feelings to act like this hyper christian? tradition is the only way you can pay respect to the person. So, as long as you dont mind burning bridges, and that's even if you call and explain how you feel about nkt going and why, do what you must. You only havs one life.
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Old 11-17-2016, 01:20 PM
 
Location: Eastern Oregon
983 posts, read 696,285 times
Reputation: 1859
I did not go to my mother's funeral. Very few people in my family get along - there has been a fair amount of bickering over the years. I didn't see the point of going and being surrounded by siblings who would have not been supportive and kind...I didn't want my last memory of her to be one of nastiness among the attendees of her funeral. The funeral is really for the living, not the dead anyway.

If going to a funeral helps you through the grieving process, then go. But you can grieve without actually attending an actual event.
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Old 12-20-2016, 11:35 AM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,839,361 times
Reputation: 4655
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemaine View Post
I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
I'm a little slow getting to this thread. I started reading once before, but just couldn't read any more. I just went through a similar issue with My Guy and his daughter. Long story short, he was dying of cancer, and she couldn't take time from her busy day of painting crafts to visit him. She made every excuse - even saying when he died that she "doesn't handle bad news well" (she's in her 40s). So he died, then she wanted me to hold off on a memorial so she could attend during vacation time.

Frankly, if anyone ever needed a kick in butt, she does. I can only imagine what went through his mind those last days.

Life isn't full of continuous rainbows, flowers and sunshine. It seems fewer and fewer people know how to grow a pair, suck it up, and deal with tough stuff.
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Old 12-23-2016, 12:46 AM
 
Location: Hawaii
1,677 posts, read 3,610,447 times
Reputation: 3043
Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
I'm a little slow getting to this thread. I started reading once before, but just couldn't read any more. I just went through a similar issue with My Guy and his daughter. Long story short, he was dying of cancer, and she couldn't take time from her busy day of painting crafts to visit him. She made every excuse - even saying when he died that she "doesn't handle bad news well" (she's in her 40s). So he died, then she wanted me to hold off on a memorial so she could attend during vacation time.

Frankly, if anyone ever needed a kick in butt, she does. I can only imagine what went through his mind those last days.

Life isn't full of continuous rainbows, flowers and sunshine. It seems fewer and fewer people know how to grow a pair, suck it up, and deal with tough stuff.
Everyone expresses grief very differently. I understand her. She can't accept that he's dying. How can she. She's still young and daddy was suppose to be there forever. It's so sad that in America people aren't taught about death. They grow up fearing death, clinging to whatever religion for immortality. It's a cycle of life that I'm looking forward to. I am making sure that everyone parties and can do whatever they want with my ashes. I would like a funeral pyre like the days of old with coins in my eyes.

Seriously; don't take it out on her...she is young and scared.
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Old 12-23-2016, 03:21 PM
 
3,263 posts, read 2,839,361 times
Reputation: 4655
Quote:
Originally Posted by tyvin View Post
Everyone expresses grief very differently. I understand her. She can't accept that he's dying. How can she. She's still young and daddy was suppose to be there forever. It's so sad that in America people aren't taught about death. They grow up fearing death, clinging to whatever religion for immortality. It's a cycle of life that I'm looking forward to. I am making sure that everyone parties and can do whatever they want with my ashes. I would like a funeral pyre like the days of old with coins in my eyes.

Seriously; don't take it out on her...she is young and scared.
I see her as being greedy rather than scared of death.

I won't take it out on her, I'll continue to ignore her.

I do understand what you are saying, and she if behaved differently . . . it doesn't matter.
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