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Old 10-16-2009, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,542,139 times
Reputation: 821

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If she has no history of alienating herself, then it should be recognized and respected that this is how she wants to treat it.

I personally hate funerals, and have not attended ones held for some family friends. If I do go to one, I may not even go to see the body.

I'd rather see a nice picture of them during better times, if they were sick before death. The resulting look after embalming and rigor mortis setting that hardly ever has the person looking the same, and in some cases that's the lasting memory someone carries with them.

I don't think she's wrong. Respect her wishes; she'll come around.
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Old 10-16-2009, 10:50 AM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,432 posts, read 24,204,419 times
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Funerals are for the living, not the dead. To me personally, they are a waste of money and a public display of grieving that for many people, is better done in private. If the person who dies is elderly, there's a good chance most of their contemporaries are already dead or too infirm to travel to a funeral. It's also very possible in this economy, people who would like to attend simply can't afford it.

I am a notorious funeral skipper. But I went to see the people I cared about before they died. I shared time with them. I was there during those lonely times when no one else was around. I didn't feel guilty in the least about not attending their funerals. I was there when they were alive.

When my parents died, we elected to have no funerals. All their loved ones were quite old or couldn't have easily afforded the trip. We told people to donate to charities in their name if the wished to do something in their memory. My sister and I spent more than a decade taking care of our parents when they were ill and dying. We had both already done more than our share. Funerals, BAH. Where were all those people who loved our parents so much when they were alive? Their time would have been much better spent if they had come over once or twice and sat with mom or dad for an hour so we could make a trip to the store or get some important errand run.
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Old 10-16-2009, 12:24 PM
 
Location: Midcoast Maine
4,958 posts, read 10,362,675 times
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Thank you so much for your opinions, everyone! You all articulated exactly how I feel. I appreciate everyone's input and will let my siblings read your posts, since they seem to think I'm nuts for agreeing with my other sister....
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Old 10-16-2009, 01:53 PM
 
Location: Mountains of Oregon
15,069 posts, read 17,034,100 times
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Sister, lovemaine, i'm very sorry your beloved Mom has brain cancer.

My beloved wife fought it for over a year.

Several members of our family chose to be cremated & had me spread their ashes here around the basspond & under old growth Doug Fir...


God Bless You All...
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:21 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,208,064 times
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Your sister will do what is right for her. If I were in this situation I can't say I wouldn't be a bit put off and shocked if my brother did not come home to bury our parents but I would like to think I would come to realize everyone has their own time frame and way to mourn...
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Midcoast Maine
4,958 posts, read 10,362,675 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawk J View Post
Sister, lovemaine, i'm very sorry your beloved Mom has brain cancer.

My beloved wife fought it for over a year.

Several members of our family chose to be cremated & had me spread their ashes here around the basspond & under old growth Doug Fir...


God Bless You All...
I'm so sorry for your loss, Hawk. Our mom was diagnosed in Feb. She had surgery right away, then radiation and chemo. She had been told when she was diagnosed that she had 1 1/2 years at most. A few weeks ago she started having problems walking. An MRI found that the cancer has spread. It's a horrible disease, as you know. I just hope that when the time comes, she can die in peace, without pain....
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,678,000 times
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Truly sad for the mom

But whatever means by "mourning in their own way", it's just baloney

What kind of person will choose to be absent when all it requires is to stand beside other grieving family members.

And one million funeral attendees will ask about this absent person and it's up to the rest to "patiently" explain/defend every time.
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Old 10-16-2009, 02:43 PM
 
13,779 posts, read 23,208,064 times
Reputation: 7378
Quote:
Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka View Post
Truly sad for the mom

But whatever means by "mourning in their own way", it's just baloney

What kind of person will choose to be absent when all it requires is to stand beside other grieving family members.

And one million funeral attendees will ask about this absent person and it's up to the rest to "patiently" explain/defend every time.
Ultimately it will be sad for the child who does not attend the mothers funeral when she looks back on it later but no one can force her to come, to be ready to deal with the loss, and to muddle through it. There is no set right or wrong way to grieve.

In many cultures the dead are to be buried by sundown so I am sure their loved ones do not always make a formal funeral but they learn to deal with it in their own way.

This past spring a dear friend died unexpectedly and I was unable to find a babysitter to watch my small children so I took them to the botanical gardens, dug in the dirt and planted some flowers for my friend since he was a landscape architect. I figured he would be smiling down on me watching me enjoying something with my kids that he loved so much...it is all relative.
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:01 PM
 
218 posts, read 680,516 times
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I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

I do not like funerals and would prefer to never attend one again! If the funeral is for a loved one, I avoid viewing the body as I would rather remember them in life than in death. Grief is very personal but I understand how your sister feels.

When my grandmother died, I really didn't want to attend the funeral. I would much rather have stayed home, looked through old pictures and had a good cry--not the trickle of tears you wipe with a tissue, but the ugly racking sobs with swollen eyes and snot bubbling from my nose cry that you just can't do in public. Even though that's how I wanted to deal with my loss, the day of her funeral, I stood next to my siblings and supported my father. When I came home, I grieved the way I needed to, in private with my photos, memories and snot bubbles.

I get why your siblings feel your sister is being selfish. You will all lose your mother and it's understandable that when a family member dies the others want to gather and touch base with one another. That's why I go to funerals, not to deal with my grief but to support my friends and family through theirs. It's not how I choose to grieve but out of love, I go to be with those who need me to be next to them while they grieve.
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Old 10-16-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 24,678,000 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrstewart View Post
Ultimately it will be sad for the child who does not attend the mothers funeral when she looks back on it later but no one can force her to come, to be ready to deal with the loss, and to muddle through it. There is no set right or wrong way to grieve.

In many cultures the dead are to be buried by sundown so I am sure their loved ones do not always make a formal funeral but they learn to deal with it in their own way.

This past spring a dear friend died unexpectedly and I was unable to find a babysitter to watch my small children so I took them to the botanical gardens, dug in the dirt and planted some flowers for my friend since he was a landscape architect. I figured he would be smiling down on me watching me enjoying something with my kids that he loved so much...it is all relative.
But the dying person is an immediately proximal loved one. Worse, it's a parent

I sounded that off my personal experience. My father died and my brother did not attend the burial ceremony. He was in the midst of his semester exams in Canada, a semester that was so expensive he was not prepared to retake and respend money, despite the fact that I offered to write that money away. (Ego, I may not want your money, it had to do with our upbringing, never expect money from anyone, my own father would sound off on how he would not expect a dime from me)

And for 2 days, at least 2000 people asked me where my brother was. My mother was nearly unconscious and mentally disintegrated the whole time and I had to tell them why this boy didn't show up

And when they were burying, the general custom is to have the two sons scoop the mud into the grave. Mom can't go coz widows are debarred from the site (weird customs) I scooped it all myself, I missed my brother there, I missed the bastard. I just needed support, because he was a strong brother and we always hung out together, even when we were catching cobras in the woods (this is a popular sibling hobby) or flying kites in the fields.
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