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I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
I would consider how welcome she may or not may feel. If you were closer to the mother than she was then she may feel ganged up on.
Either way let it go, it will only divide your relationship and that is the area to concentrate on. Good luck, God bless.
You have to think.... who and what is a funeral about...the dead person doesn't feel or know who all is there, the living attend it for their own reasons, saying goodbye, to get together and share grief,...Some people grieve alone and that's OK. Who are we to call someone selfish at such a private time in their lives? We each have to deal with these things in our own way, not the way society tells us to. I commend a person who dares to follow their own path and doesn't get swayed by everyone else.
cpg, not all mothers did all the things you name there...I'm not knocking yours and actually I'm glad you had a decent mother; my mother only gave birth to me, after that she left me to my own devices...I have no plans on going to her funeral...I've buried her years ago. That may sound terribly selfish to those of you who had a real mother, it's my life and me who has to deal with it but not a life I would wish on anyone..We all have our own reasons for doing what we do and others can't possibly know and understand unless they've walked a mile in our shoes. The OP's sister surely has her reasons and they should be valued just like anyone elses.
and I want to add that these things are not easily put into words and especially here online. I know lots of people read and don't give their opinions for fear of being jumped on. It's a very sensitive,touchy subject and one that is also open to lots of opinions.
Yea, that is a good post, and so is yours in that I agree that the enormous cost to have a funeral is just not justified. I just don't see the point of metal caskets and thousands of dollars spent on buying them?
If you haven't already read "The American Way of Death" by Jessica Mitford, you should. It was written in the 1960s, but it sheds a not very flattering light on the funeral industry. Basically, it preys on greiving families.
I appreciate your opinion, but I'm not sure whose mom you're describing in your post. Not to go into too much detail, but we grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and aside from being in her womb for 9 months, your description is the complete opposite of how it was in reality for us. I suppose that could be part of the reason my sister doesn't feel like she needs to be there....
Perhaps your sister mourned the loss of her mother years ago. Her death may only be the last detail. I went through something similar myself when my mother died. I wouldn't be so hard on her. I don't think she's being selfish at all. It sounds like she is already dealing with a deep hurt. Some understanding from her sisters would be good. No one should tell another what is the appropriate way to grieve. If she chooses not to go to the funeral, that is something she will have to deal with personally. Judging her is not the answer.
I hate psychobabble, because it allows one to rationalize just about any kind of selfishness. Since when did self-actualization become the highest good in the universe?
In case your sister doesn't understand this, the point of a funeral is to honor the deceased, comfort the family, and sort through the aftermath of a loved one's death. It is not therapy. Adults understand this.
At the very least, this is a woman who bore you in her womb for nine months, wiped your bottom, stayed up all night for you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you everywhere you wanted to go, made you breakfast, lunch, and dinner, laundered your clothes, organized your birthday parties, taught you to put on makeup, coached you in math, comforted you through breakups with your boyfriends, paid for your tuition, and generally sacrificed her time, money, sleep, and everything else to fulfill almost every whim of yours from the time you were born until the time you left home. All without reservation or even serious complaint.
And now, you're saying that attending a one-hour funeral service in her honor is too much of an inconvenience or too big of a bummer to attend. Do you realize how shallow this really is?
I appreciate your opinion, but I'm not sure whose mom you're describing in your post. Not to go into too much detail, but we grew up in a very dysfunctional household, and aside from being in her womb for 9 months, your description is the complete opposite of how it was in reality for us. I suppose that could be part of the reason my sister doesn't feel like she needs to be there....
My mom's father was a drunkard. He basically was drunk every freaking day and put the family through crap. But I remember seeing as an 8 year old that all 7 sisters and one brother gathered for the last rites. I later learned from my mother that despite his erratic behaviour, the old man did have his lovable moments. A parent is a parent, he/she is the reason why a child even sees the world.
I hate psychobabble, because it allows one to rationalize just about any kind of selfishness. Since when did self-actualization become the highest good in the universe?
In case your sister doesn't understand this, the point of a funeral is to honor the deceased, comfort the family, and sort through the aftermath of a loved one's death. It is not therapy. Adults understand this.
At the very least, this is a woman who bore you in her womb for nine months, wiped your bottom, stayed up all night for you when you were sick, went to your dance recitals, drove you everywhere you wanted to go, made you breakfast, lunch, and dinner, laundered your clothes, organized your birthday parties, taught you to put on makeup, coached you in math, comforted you through breakups with your boyfriends, paid for your tuition, and generally sacrificed her time, money, sleep, and everything else to fulfill almost every whim of yours from the time you were born until the time you left home. All without reservation or even serious complaint.
And now, you're saying that attending a one-hour funeral service in her honor is too much of an inconvenience or too big of a bummer to attend. Do you realize how shallow this really is?
Respectfully, whose world was this?
Without putting my story out in the cyberworld,
I'm another that wont be attending when the time comes, if that seems shallow and self centered, then so be it.
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