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Old 10-16-2009, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Midcoast Maine
4,958 posts, read 10,362,675 times
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I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Our Mom has terminal brain cancer. She is in her final days now. We have a sister who lives across the country who is not planning on attending the funeral. My other siblings are extremely upset by this. The sister who is not attending told me that she wants to mourn in her own way and doesn't believe that she HAS to come to the funeral. I tend to agree with her. Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending? I know there will be hurt feelings from my other siblings, but I do believe that it's a very personal decision.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:05 AM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,869,596 times
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It is a personal decision and truely the funeral is really for the surviving members of the family to receive respects from others, it is not for the dead in reality. She is not being disrespectful, IMHO. If someone wishes to send her a card or something that is their decision but she is not asking for anything.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:12 AM
 
Location: California
440 posts, read 872,820 times
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I believe it is very personal, some people just need alone time. Maybe she should call her siblings and explain what she is going through. Maybe the next time you all get together you can grieve together then, but for now she seems to just need her space. I'm sorry to hear about your mother
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,371 posts, read 17,488,660 times
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It's up to her, however, funerals are important in one aspect. It drives home the reality that the deceased is really gone. You see them laid out, and it forces you to accept that they are gone, and it often serves as a healthy foundation for the grieving process. At the same time they can be very traumatic for some. Some people do not want their last memory or image of a loved one to be stretched out in a casket. They want to remember them as they were in life. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. She's not being disrespectful for not attending. She's entitled to grieve in her own way and shouldn't be treated as an outcast by your other family members.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:17 AM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 12,703,549 times
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Sorry to hear about your Mom. Never an easy time in matters of family illness / death. Having been at my own mothers bedside when she passed,I know all too well the feelings a child has when their parent is passing or has passed.
If your sister can't / won't / doesn't want , etc.. to come to the funeral, that is her own personal choice. I'm sure she knows that some of her siblings will find this wrong but she has to do what is best for her.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:21 AM
 
9,198 posts, read 21,151,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovemaine View Post
Does anyone here think she is being selfish or callous for not attending?
Does anyone here think the siblings are being selfish or callous for insisting that this sister mourn in their way rather than hers?
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:25 AM
 
Location: Cumberland Co., TN
20,014 posts, read 20,509,618 times
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I dont think she is selfish. Everyone grieves differently. I have an uncle that abosolutly does not go to funerals, not my moms, his 2 brothers or even his fathers. We joke that he wont attend his own funeral. Its just the way he is.

Im am sorry about your mother and hope your family gets thru this difficult time without hard feelings and drama.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:38 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,907 posts, read 34,966,446 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CHTransplant View Post
Does anyone here think the siblings are being selfish or callous for insisting that this sister mourn in their way rather than hers?
Not really. Their grief confuses them and makes them misunderstand.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:41 AM
 
6,764 posts, read 19,282,457 times
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My husband did not go to his mother's funeral. We were living in PA at the time but the day she died we were packing to move back to NY. His family is in the United Kingdom and we could not afford plane tickets, as we as just visited in February of that year.

He also did not want to go.

He also was very close to her and it was his choice. I know one of his aunts (by marriage) made a big deal about why he didn't come but it was not her business.
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Old 10-16-2009, 08:48 AM
 
9,198 posts, read 21,151,892 times
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Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
Not really. Their grief confuses them and makes them misunderstand.
My point was not to accuse them of being selfish, but to point out that it's a two sided coin. To each his (or her) own.
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