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Old 03-26-2015, 06:14 PM
Location: Austin, TX
16,688 posts, read 39,304,746 times
Reputation: 9097


I'm glad you posted ptorres3. I think you will find that it does help to express what you are going through. And the people here do understand a lot of it. I am very sorry for your loss, it is very hard when it is unexpected as it was with my wife last April. I can't say that it is harder than the grief anyone else experiences when loosing a love one, all I can say is that it is very, very hard. But I am still frequently overcome with emotions and missing her. There is no reason you should feel any pressure to rush through this, give yourself whatever time it takes and it does take time. We too did not have any children and I do think that pets do help make the house feel less empty. I think that just by sharing what you are going through you are contributing. it helps all of us here and those who will follow to know that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. Things will get better with time, but meanwhile I think it is important to you to go through and feel the things that you are feeling, they are valid and have meaning. If nothing else, they are a tribute to the one you loved and miss.
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Old 03-26-2015, 07:14 PM
Location: New Mexico
5,097 posts, read 2,913,065 times
Reputation: 9413
Originally Posted by ptorres3 View Post
I am consumed with grief and think about her practically every minute of the day.

....reaching out to wherever I can to try and understand what I am going through.

I have much support from family and friends...

Right now I have no positives but I hope in time things will change.
So sorry -- 40 days is a tough time as I recall. I quoted a few of your comments -- and you do have some positive things going on but this is a huge change and maybe the hardest thing you will ever have to face. It is normal to grieve deeply but be wary and seek help if you see yourself in a downward spiral. Reaching out is the right thing to do. It is good that you have support from family and friends. Living alone after being together is hard in so many ways. People say not to make any major decisions on your own during this time and I agree. Don't be in a rush to put your grief behind you -- it will happen when it happens. Sometimes it will come back in a flash and then be gone again but it will get easier. This forum is a good sounding board.
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Old 03-26-2015, 10:06 PM
Location: Tulare County, Ca
1,031 posts, read 607,053 times
Reputation: 1764

My condolences to you on the recent loss of your dear wife. I lost my husband on Christmas day so it's been about three months for me. He too was sick for several months. He had finally reached a point where, knowing he was terminal, he no longer wanted to fight and he took his own life. I'm devastated, but I understand his actions. I'm only angry that the doctors caring for him didn't provide adequate pallative care to keep him comfortable. He suffered terribly. Sounds like your wife suffered terribly too. That's the worst part of it all....the suffering. I also have been reading books on bereavement. The forum here on cd has been helpful too. I urge you to go back in time on these threads and do some more reading. You will find a lot of people at different stages of grief. You are not alone. We will be here if you need us.
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Old 03-27-2015, 06:27 AM
Location: Denver
5 posts, read 3,061 times
Reputation: 28
Default 41 days

Thank you all for the kind responses. She was ill for several months but I can't say that she suffered.The end was quite fast. She had 2 seizures on a Thursday night and I called 911 and then she died early Friday morning. I thought once she went to the hospital that finally maybe now someone can tell me what's wrong with her and we can get her back on the road to health. We had a doctors appt. that very afternoon and I was going with her so I could talk to her doctor myself. She didn't make it.
We were together for 20 years and married for 18. She had been an athlete her entire life so when she started losing weight and her hair among other problems I was quite concerned. I don't think she wanted me to worry so she would tell me she was fine and her doctor was treating her but still trying to figure out the problem.
Since we didn't have kids we were joined at the hip and you normally didn't see one without the other. She ran her own business and also handled all of our finances. I should of paid more attention because it is a struggle and a big learning curve getting a handle on that. It's funny how much you take for granted your partners roles until you are doing everything yourself.
We both rode motorcycles and I pulled my bike out last weekend. She always rode on my right side and in my mirror. Her not being there was surreal and sad. Don't think I have the passion for that much now.
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Old 04-02-2015, 05:52 PM
779 posts, read 2,964,084 times
Reputation: 623
This has several links on it that seem helpful. (More are being added so it might be good to bookmark.)

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Old 10-27-2017, 01:51 PM
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,238,207 times
Reputation: 674
Default FB notifications

My boyfriend died nearly a month ago. We were very active as a couple and I faithfully posted on FB all the time.

Now I am getting those "a year ago" reminders of my postings of the 2 of us just enjoying life and building a future.

I am torn between holding my breath, rabidly looking at the pics and videos for any nanosecond of memory of him that I may have loss due to the insignificance at the time of that posting....

and falling apart inconsolably when I look at those memory postings.

I can't stop looking and searching but fall apart when I rediscover any moment or memory with him.

I find that as time goes on, I am feeling even WORST. Less in control. Almost like the numbness is wearing off and now I am just inconsolable.

and angry. Boy I am so pissed off at God and Fate, and Karma... any of that!! And I am pissed off at myself for believing that *I* could ACTUALLY have happiness in my life. What a joke that was... JOKE ON ME!

I am so tired. It is exhausting to just keep it together.. function. And I am sick of this. I want it all to end and go back to the way things were before. I AM TIRED OF THIS!!! Like being on a rollercoaster ride and it's like... "okay, I'm DONE NOW!!" Let me off!!
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Old 10-28-2017, 10:26 PM
81 posts, read 62,988 times
Reputation: 111
I lost my husband a year and a half ago. We were together all the time, working at home, just being. He had no health issues, no high cholesterol or anything. One day he had stomach pain, we called an ambulance -- he was joking with everyone as they loaded him up. He never made it to the hospital. There's no way I haven't died of a broken heart. I go on but I don't know how. I feel like I've died and they forgot to bury me.
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Old 10-30-2017, 09:54 AM
Location: SE Michigan
1,213 posts, read 4,238,207 times
Reputation: 674
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
This must be a common theme..

I felt like I had to know every detail of his treatment and be the care coordinator..
After being on top of every detail for 3 months straight the Drs would sometimes ask me
questions about past treatments because they knew I would know...

The hospital staff constantly broke there own infection control guidelines so
I was the gatekeeper..

Then when he got hospital acquired flu and they misdiagnosed it for 4 days
he was too sick to recover..
Same with me. To add more stress, I am a critical care trained RN... so I really really knew what was going on... and it was hard to maintain pleasantness when it was the love of my life. That was my heart in the hospital gown and bed. Some were good and compassionate.. others. It breaks my heart to pieces if I allow myself to go to those thoughts of Danny being mistreated or spoken to in irritation due to physical ailments that he had no control of. He would apologize if he missed the urinal etc. And it would just BREAK MY HEART... because I KNEW how embarrassed and frustrated he was. To have a hospital person to treat him with disregard or irritation... well it just made me want to "set it off"... go Unibomber on them or something. The rage I felt that he had to go through the humiliation of physical reality. And when I saw medical errors.. again... the rage I felt that this was happening TO HIM!!

This very minute I am getting so emotional. Because no matter how much I tried to make things better safer... there were times I would sleep in his hospital room, holding his hand in my sleep to prevent him from dislodging his feeding tube because they would refuse to place mitts on him when he was delirious with fevers. But no matter...
at some point I would have to leave to go to work...and then mistakes would happen.
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