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Old 12-02-2009, 08:49 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,381,496 times
Reputation: 4180

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My husband died in a car accident when I was 37. My sons were 2 and 7. I can't even describe what a terrible shock it was, especially since it happened around Christmastime.

I was lucky enough to find a support group for widowed people under the age of 40...it was truly a godsend, and I still keep in touch with a couple of the women I met through that group. I was also extremely thankful for my two sons...they gave me a reason to wake up every morning, and I was determined that I would try to be the best parent possible to them.

Grief is work...REAL work. People seem to think you grieve for a couple of months, and then you just resume your life. Not true. The first year was tough, going through each holiday, each birthday, each day that was special to us as a couple, and then the dreaded anniversary of his death. By the second year, the reality of the situation had set in. I would agree with Ms. Rain...you've gotta just take it day by day, one foot ahead of the other.

Even though it's been almost 22 years, I still dream about my husband on occasion, and I'm thankful to have had him in my life. Just wish it had been longer...
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Houston/Heights
2,637 posts, read 3,875,798 times
Reputation: 961
Quote:
Originally Posted by LibraGirl123 View Post
My husband died in a car accident when I was 37. My sons were 2 and 7. I can't even describe what a terrible shock it was, especially since it happened around Christmastime.

I was lucky enough to find a support group for widowed people under the age of 40...it was truly a godsend, and I still keep in touch with a couple of the women I met through that group. I was also extremely thankful for my two sons...they gave me a reason to wake up every morning, and I was determined that I would try to be the best parent possible to them.

Grief is work...REAL work. People seem to think you grieve for a couple of months, and then you just resume your life. Not true. The first year was tough, going through each holiday, each birthday, each day that was special to us as a couple, and then the dreaded anniversary of his death. By the second year, the reality of the situation had set in. I would agree with Ms. Rain...you've gotta just take it day by day, one foot ahead of the other.

Even though it's been almost 22 years, I still dream about my husband on occasion, and I'm thankful to have had him in my life. Just wish it had been longer...
I feel for your lose. but you are most lucky to have those memories.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,937,418 times
Reputation: 39662
Quote:
Originally Posted by plaidmom View Post
My story is similar to ms. rain's.

I was 21 with a 4 month old daughter and my husband was killed in a terrible accient. He was 28.

I focused on raising my daughter. I also joined a grief-support group. It was difficult to find one that didn't cater to Sr. citizens (not that older people don't grieve, but I found their "issues" very different from mine as a young widow). I tried individual therapy as well, but ultimately found that the group setting worked better for me.

It's been 23 years now and our daughter is a well-adjusted, reasonably happy adult. I wouldn't say that I have any "pain" left over his death, although I do think about him around "that time of the year".

Feel free to ask any questions.
OHMYGOD, some of ya'll have had such traumatic experiennces! I am so sorry for all you young moms (and dads) who lost your spouses Kudos to you for becoming survivors for your childrens sakes.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:51 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,148 posts, read 16,481,935 times
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Can I ask why you posed the question, Jeffery?

I lost my wife 13.5 years ago when a brain aneurism burst. She was 51 and otherwise in excellent health -- ate healthy, exercised daily, and was trim and fit. We had no idea she wouldn't live to 100. She went upstairs to take a bath before bedtime. I heard her moan. Ran upstairs fully expecting to scold her for scaring me. She was gone. I can't tell you the horror I felt.

We'd only been together for 3.5 years and married 2.5 of those, but we were as close as two people could ever be. When she died, I pretty much did too. It took a long time to get over losing her, but every week got easier, then every month was easier, then each year.

It would take a book to tell it all, but I'd be happy to answer any questions.
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Old 12-02-2009, 10:53 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,229 posts, read 72,321,065 times
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death is easier. divorce and breakup are harder--- leaving was voluntary.
i think with death the tendency is to deify the departed making remarriage almost impossible. at least that was an issue with widows i have known.
if you were married to a god do you really wana settle? i also notice divorces with really focus on exterior qualities, bek it reminds them of the departed.
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:11 PM
 
1,322 posts, read 2,074,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
death is easier. divorce and breakup are harder--- leaving was voluntary.
i think with death the tendency is to deify the departed making remarriage almost impossible. at least that was an issue with widows i have known.
if you were married to a god do you really wana settle? i also notice divorces with really focus on exterior qualities, bek it reminds them of the departed.
Man, I don't know how in the world you can say something like that.

With death, they are gone, forever. You will NEVER have another chance to say or do anything with them again - ever.

Many years ago, I lost someone who I loved very deeply. To this day, I think about them all the time. I know that I will never have another chance to tell her that I'm sorry.

With my ex wife, I had that chance, and so did she. Because we were given that chance, we became good friends.

Please man, think about what you type before you post.
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:24 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,229 posts, read 72,321,065 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UrbanBlasphemy View Post
Man, I don't know how in the world you can say something like that.

With death, they are gone, forever. You will NEVER have another chance to say or do anything with them again - ever.

Many years ago, I lost someone who I loved very deeply. To this day, I think about them all the time. I know that I will never have another chance to tell her that I'm sorry.

With my ex wife, I had that chance, and so did she. Because we were given that chance, we became good friends.

Please man, think about what you type before you post.
sorry you did not like my post or felt it was a vicious personal attack??? it was my own experience with the widowed. what is the correct thing for me to say so that you will be pleased and approve?
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:06 AM
 
1,322 posts, read 2,074,600 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
sorry you did not like my post or felt it was a vicious personal attack??? it was my own experience with the widowed. what is the correct thing for me to say so that you will be pleased and approve?
I didn't take it as a personal attack, I just don't understand how anyone could ever see things like that. It's beyond my comprehension. For me, death isn't really an absolute end of things. Everytime I see something that reminds me of her then it hits me like it just happened yesterday - and it's been thirteen years ago. Everytime I run into a mutual friend, it's the same thing. It doesn't happen that often, but when it does I just have to stop everything and take a moment for myself. For years, I blamed myself for her death, and that was one of the hardest things that I had to get over.

There's nothing correct to say, and nothing about that will please me or make me approve. I disagree completely, as is my right, as is your right to your opinion.. and trust me, I respect your opinion. You're a good man.. no worries there. The thing that got me was that it came across as an absolute authoritative statement; I guess it just surprised me more than anything.
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Old 12-03-2009, 11:36 AM
 
3,698 posts, read 3,019,263 times
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I was married for 33 years, my Wife died two months after my retirement, making the adjustment to single life has been the most lasting aspect of my grief. Before she died she said, "I'm glad I'm going first", it seemed odd but now I know she had put more thought into the possibility of being alone if I had died first.

I knew her better than anyone in my life, I had spent more of my life with her than anyone before her, and I'll never have a longer lasting relationship again. I learned that the grieving is in direct proportion to the time spent together, we don't spend much with our parents, seventeen years or so, same for siblings, but thirty years is a very long time to live with another person.

My father died, and I've known many friend's that have died, but the death of my Wife affected me so deeply that I found it hard to descibe to friend's and family, my Mother could relate and some others who have lost a spouse knew how I felt, it's one spirit crushing experience.

When your spouse is dying you are with them twenty four hours a day, taking care of their needs, trying to determine when they will die and how much they might suffer in those final days, you are spinning out to the edges of your sanity trying to maintain your composure for their sake. In the end you come home to an empty house and all those reminders of the one you loved for so long.

It's been two years this January that I've been alone, some days are better than others but overall I know now that I'll never be the same person I was before her death. Yes, I look the same and to most people that know me I probably seem to be doing fine, but, inside my head I'll always have those snapshots, it's like picking your favorite scenes from a movie you liked, you know the script, the scenery, and most of all, the sound of those voices. I miss my wife everyday, Christmas is coming and I'm gripping my hands together trying not to think too much about the past, in the meantime I fight the loneliness, I wake up at two and sometimes four in the morning thinking that most of what I had worked for all my life was nothing in comparison to the deep friendship I'm missing now.

I'm sixty four now and life seems to have lost it's flavor, they say single men don't live as long as married men and I think I know the reason. There is nothing that can take the place of a loving Woman in your life. I smile when reading the posts here on CD in the relationship section, some of the singles just don't get it, you can't order up a mate like you would a plate of food, you meet someone and you BUILD a relationship based on mutual needs, love takes it's time. There is nothing my Wife wanted more for me than for me to meet another Woman who would love me as she did, she had said so in her last days, so I'll dry my tears and go out to that cold cruel world looking for a warm heart to connect with.
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:24 PM
 
1,322 posts, read 2,074,600 times
Reputation: 1464
Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
I was married for 33 years, my Wife died two months after my retirement, making the adjustment to single life has been the most lasting aspect of my grief...
.... I smile when reading the posts here on CD in the relationship section, some of the singles just don't get it, you can't order up a mate like you would a plate of food, you meet someone and you BUILD a relationship based on mutual needs, love takes it's time. There is nothing my Wife wanted more for me than for me to meet another Woman who would love me as she did, she had said so in her last days, so I'll dry my tears and go out to that cold cruel world looking for a warm heart to connect with.
Jert...

Thanks for sharing that story.. I hope you're doing well, and I'm sorry for your lost.

I really hope that a lot of people will read this and begin to understand what true love is. This is a powerful story, and I hope that it hits others as it has me..

Thanks again for sharing.
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