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Old 12-03-2009, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,166 posts, read 16,519,971 times
Reputation: 13359

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Bless you, Jertheber.

You'll never find another woman to replace your beloved wife, but that doesn't mean you can't find someone else with whom you can love and share your life.

I went a little nuts for a few years after my late wife died. I became that merry widower that she'd said I'd be if she died before I did. (Although "merry" isn't really the proper term.) I searched for the companionship and closeness that I'd lost in every woman who'd have me. I ran from the pain, from coast to coast, from Texas to Alaska. I quit working, quit my hobbies, ignored my friends. I'd shared them all with her, and when she was no longer there to share in them, I wanted nothing to do with them. It was a deep depression, but I didn't recognize it as such. I knew I was sad -- hell, I wept daily, but clinically depressed? Not me.

But as you said, your wife would want you to go on with your life. If there's a heaven, she will welcome you when you get there, and she'll welcome and be thankful for anyone who helped make the rest of your life worthwhile. Don't ever feel like you're cheating on your late wife or disrespecting her memory by seeing other women or even remarrying.

I've remarried. We've been together for 10 years now. I still miss my late wife and love the memories of her, but my new wife and I love each other too and are very happy to have each other. I hope I outlive her, as I don't want her to go through the pain that I did, but if I go first, I sincerely hope she can find someone else to help her pick up the pieces and go on with the business of living.
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,054,517 times
Reputation: 39669
Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
I was married for 33 years, my Wife died two months after my retirement, making the adjustment to single life has been the most lasting aspect of my grief. Before she died she said, "I'm glad I'm going first", it seemed odd but now I know she had put more thought into the possibility of being alone if I had died first.

I knew her better than anyone in my life, I had spent more of my life with her than anyone before her, and I'll never have a longer lasting relationship again. I learned that the grieving is in direct proportion to the time spent together, we don't spend much with our parents, seventeen years or so, same for siblings, but thirty years is a very long time to live with another person.

My father died, and I've known many friend's that have died, but the death of my Wife affected me so deeply that I found it hard to descibe to friend's and family, my Mother could relate and some others who have lost a spouse knew how I felt, it's one spirit crushing experience.

When your spouse is dying you are with them twenty four hours a day, taking care of their needs, trying to determine when they will die and how much they might suffer in those final days, you are spinning out to the edges of your sanity trying to maintain your composure for their sake. In the end you come home to an empty house and all those reminders of the one you loved for so long.

It's been two years this January that I've been alone, some days are better than others but overall I know now that I'll never be the same person I was before her death. Yes, I look the same and to most people that know me I probably seem to be doing fine, but, inside my head I'll always have those snapshots, it's like picking your favorite scenes from a movie you liked, you know the script, the scenery, and most of all, the sound of those voices. I miss my wife everyday, Christmas is coming and I'm gripping my hands together trying not to think too much about the past, in the meantime I fight the loneliness, I wake up at two and sometimes four in the morning thinking that most of what I had worked for all my life was nothing in comparison to the deep friendship I'm missing now.

I'm sixty four now and life seems to have lost it's flavor, they say single men don't live as long as married men and I think I know the reason. There is nothing that can take the place of a loving Woman in your life. I smile when reading the posts here on CD in the relationship section, some of the singles just don't get it, you can't order up a mate like you would a plate of food, you meet someone and you BUILD a relationship based on mutual needs, love takes it's time. There is nothing my Wife wanted more for me than for me to meet another Woman who would love me as she did, she had said so in her last days, so I'll dry my tears and go out to that cold cruel world looking for a warm heart to connect with.
There is so much wisdom in your post that I wish all the young people here would take to heart!

Thanks for sharing, and I'm so sorry for your loss
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Jollyville, TX
3,704 posts, read 9,097,342 times
Reputation: 4068
I lost my first husband at age 29. We had started dating when I was 18 and got married at 19, so we were together over 10 years. He had several health issues going on and was in the hospital 7 times in the year before he died. It was 1986 and before the Internet so I didn't have an online community or resource to find a grief support group. The few I encountered were all much older.

I had two wonderful friends who stood by my side and helped me through the worst of it. What helped me more than anything though was a book I bought called "Don't Take My Grief Away". It really helped me understand all the crazy emotions that were hitting me at once - sadness, guilt, relief - and helping me to accept that all those emotions were valid.

The sadness does diminish over time, but I'm sure it's different for everyone.
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:58 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,166 posts, read 16,519,971 times
Reputation: 13359
The day after my wife's death, her daughters and I were looking through her desk for poems she'd written -- to be included in a memorial for her funeral. When we came across this one we were all dumb-struck, as she died suddenly without warning. I came to find out that she'd written it for someone else who'd lost his wife. Still, it warmed my heart. It could have been written for most of us who have lost a spouse -- written by the one who had to leave....

To Comfort You

Love, linger not at this, the home
In which you've laid me down to rest.
Don't weep or scuff the fresh new soil
That presses lightly on my breast.

The heart that danced in time with yours
No longer strains or clings to life.
The pain that tore us both apart
No more can harm your faithful wife.

Come, touch the stone that speaks my name;
Don't curse the fates that put me here.
The day has passed for fault and blame;
It was my time to leave you, dear.

But, though this grave, now hoe-blade new,
Will, in good time, be overgrown,
My spirit's warmth will follow you,
And see that you are not alone.

One day, I know you'll join me here,
And take my hand in yours once more.
Together, we'll go toward the Light
And knock, as one, on Heaven's door.

Now, tuck your sorrow far from sight
And kiss the children tenderly.
I'll slumber, dreamless, in the night,
Until, at last, you come for me.
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Old 12-03-2009, 01:00 PM
 
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 7,086,670 times
Reputation: 12250
Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
I was married for 33 years, my Wife died two months after my retirement, making the adjustment to single life has been the most lasting aspect of my grief. Before she died she said, "I'm glad I'm going first", it seemed odd but now I know she had put more thought into the possibility of being alone if I had died first.

I knew her better than anyone in my life, I had spent more of my life with her than anyone before her, and I'll never have a longer lasting relationship again. I learned that the grieving is in direct proportion to the time spent together, we don't spend much with our parents, seventeen years or so, same for siblings, but thirty years is a very long time to live with another person.

My father died, and I've known many friend's that have died, but the death of my Wife affected me so deeply that I found it hard to descibe to friend's and family, my Mother could relate and some others who have lost a spouse knew how I felt, it's one spirit crushing experience.

When your spouse is dying you are with them twenty four hours a day, taking care of their needs, trying to determine when they will die and how much they might suffer in those final days, you are spinning out to the edges of your sanity trying to maintain your composure for their sake. In the end you come home to an empty house and all those reminders of the one you loved for so long.

It's been two years this January that I've been alone, some days are better than others but overall I know now that I'll never be the same person I was before her death. Yes, I look the same and to most people that know me I probably seem to be doing fine, but, inside my head I'll always have those snapshots, it's like picking your favorite scenes from a movie you liked, you know the script, the scenery, and most of all, the sound of those voices. I miss my wife everyday, Christmas is coming and I'm gripping my hands together trying not to think too much about the past, in the meantime I fight the loneliness, I wake up at two and sometimes four in the morning thinking that most of what I had worked for all my life was nothing in comparison to the deep friendship I'm missing now.

I'm sixty four now and life seems to have lost it's flavor, they say single men don't live as long as married men and I think I know the reason. There is nothing that can take the place of a loving Woman in your life. I smile when reading the posts here on CD in the relationship section, some of the singles just don't get it, you can't order up a mate like you would a plate of food, you meet someone and you BUILD a relationship based on mutual needs, love takes it's time. There is nothing my Wife wanted more for me than for me to meet another Woman who would love me as she did, she had said so in her last days, so I'll dry my tears and go out to that cold cruel world looking for a warm heart to connect with.
Your post has my crying all over my keyboard. Your story is so similar to my in-laws, they were married for 45 years. MIL passed away 3 years ago and my FIL is so lonely without her. He worked two jobs for most of their marriage and she was diagnosed with cancer soon after he retired. I look into his eyes and my heart breaks for him. She loved this time of year so we really try to keep him busy and have all of his loved ones around to help ease the pain I know he feels.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. While I know you will never find another woman equal to the one you have lost, I hope you will find someone to share your heart with again. Good luck to you and have a blessed holiday.
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Old 12-03-2009, 05:16 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,878 posts, read 4,390,279 times
Reputation: 4180
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
death is easier. divorce and breakup are harder--- leaving was voluntary.
I'm sure you mean well, but please do me a favor...don't ever say this to someone who's been widowed. People said this to me after my husband died, and it simply made me feel worse. You see, I was heartbroken that my two young sons would grow up without their wonderful father. Had I been divorced, I would have been without a spouse, but they would still have had their Dad.

People debate what is worse all the time: divorce vs. death, being widowed young vs. being widowed older, etc. I say that one is NO better or worse than the other. They are ALL difficult.
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Old 08-22-2010, 07:47 PM
 
Location: nyc
1 posts, read 7,073 times
Reputation: 17
Default it will be 2 years dec my wife passed away

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
There is so much wisdom in your post that I wish all the young people here would take to heart!

Thanks for sharing, and I'm so sorry for your loss
That was a great speak,i,m still grieving i suspect i'll grieve for how ever long it takes.i'm doing all the right things ,running my business,taking care of my family,keeping busy in my garden ,socializing with my friends,etc. all this is not enough.I was married to my wife for 40 years,she was my best friend,lover,mother to my son ,grandmother to my grandaughter.she was the key stone to my arch.thank god for my family& my friends.I guess time will heal & some day this won't hurt so much.no regrets it's better i had those years to share with her.In other words it's better have than to have not,so i'm grateful for that.---------signed jimsparky
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Old 08-22-2010, 08:20 PM
 
Location: Ohio
751 posts, read 1,413,273 times
Reputation: 645
Quote:
Originally Posted by JefferyT View Post
Is there anyone here who's husband, wife, or life partner died, whether unexpectedly or after a longer illness, and you had to deal with this loss?

I'm curious on how you all coped with this. I know it's different for everyone but I am interested in your alls stories.

Thanks in advance!
Three yrs ago I lost my husband to lung cancer.This coming Sept 11th we would've been married 30 yrs.
It was a shock but I just dealt with it one day at a time.
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Old 06-06-2012, 06:16 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,433 posts, read 18,150,188 times
Reputation: 18814
Oh my goodness. I am crying like a baby too. I've talked with some of you on other threads but this one just hit like a knife into my heart.

My husband told me he wanted me to find another man to love and love me. He didn't want me being alone for the rest of my life. Sorry, Honey, at this point in time I don't think I can do that. I'm feeling almost content to be alone if I can't be with the man I love.

The nights are the hardest. That's when I can't shut my mind off and think about the last time I saw him. I haven't cried in about a month now, until this thread.

My heart goes out to all who know this pain.
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Old 06-06-2012, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,054,517 times
Reputation: 39669
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Oh my goodness. I am crying like a baby too. I've talked with some of you on other threads but this one just hit like a knife into my heart.

My husband told me he wanted me to find another man to love and love me. He didn't want me being alone for the rest of my life. Sorry, Honey, at this point in time I don't think I can do that. I'm feeling almost content to be alone if I can't be with the man I love.

The nights are the hardest. That's when I can't shut my mind off and think about the last time I saw him. I haven't cried in about a month now, until this thread.

My heart goes out to all who know this pain.
And I'm so very sorry you do. Hugs.
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