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Old 06-15-2012, 08:48 PM
 
7,150 posts, read 8,468,516 times
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Lost my second child as a baby, my first grandchild, my darling wife after 30 years when our four children were still elementary - high school age kids (we were teen sweethearts), my only brother six months after my wife, mother-in-law who was long time live-in family, brother-in-law, father-in-law, cousin, cousin's wife, more friends than I can count, -- all well before age was any factor. I nursed and cared for some of the closest of the above. Also have buried my father and mother, but they lived to be old.

When I was a teen I went to war ... picked up body parts ... held bleeding souls who cried out "I don't want to die ..."

I am in my early 60's now. Fourth grandchild was born just a few hours ago. He's a handsome dude.

It's a long life that goes by very quickly. It is brutally beautiful.

Wish you all well.
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:32 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,104 posts, read 17,634,355 times
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I lost my husband at 33 he went out jogging and an elderly gentleman had a heart attack behind the wheel and neither one of them recovered . The elder gentleman died at the hospital my husband died in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital and I had three kids in tow . the nurse told me to wait at the desk . I could not wait I yelled I wanted to see my husband and I got told right then and there that my husband had died on his way there . I saw his body he was still hooked up to tubes . My friend Lisa (she is passed now too ) held my youngest son and waited with my other two . Not an easy thing for sure .I waited nine years to remarry and it is different and it feels different , There is always a different type of love with the remarriage .
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Old 06-21-2012, 02:21 AM
 
Location: Wellington and North of South
4,986 posts, read 6,257,214 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jertheber View Post
I was married for 33 years, my Wife died two months after my retirement, making the adjustment to single life has been the most lasting aspect of my grief. Before she died she said, "I'm glad I'm going first", it seemed odd but now I know she had put more thought into the possibility of being alone if I had died first.

I knew her better than anyone in my life, I had spent more of my life with her than anyone before her, and I'll never have a longer lasting relationship again. I learned that the grieving is in direct proportion to the time spent together, we don't spend much with our parents, seventeen years or so, same for siblings, but thirty years is a very long time to live with another person.

My father died, and I've known many friend's that have died, but the death of my Wife affected me so deeply that I found it hard to descibe to friend's and family, my Mother could relate and some others who have lost a spouse knew how I felt, it's one spirit crushing experience.

When your spouse is dying you are with them twenty four hours a day, taking care of their needs, trying to determine when they will die and how much they might suffer in those final days, you are spinning out to the edges of your sanity trying to maintain your composure for their sake. In the end you come home to an empty house and all those reminders of the one you loved for so long.

It's been two years this January that I've been alone, some days are better than others but overall I know now that I'll never be the same person I was before her death. Yes, I look the same and to most people that know me I probably seem to be doing fine, but, inside my head I'll always have those snapshots, it's like picking your favorite scenes from a movie you liked, you know the script, the scenery, and most of all, the sound of those voices. I miss my wife everyday, Christmas is coming and I'm gripping my hands together trying not to think too much about the past, in the meantime I fight the loneliness, I wake up at two and sometimes four in the morning thinking that most of what I had worked for all my life was nothing in comparison to the deep friendship I'm missing now.

I'm sixty four now and life seems to have lost it's flavor, they say single men don't live as long as married men and I think I know the reason. There is nothing that can take the place of a loving Woman in your life. I smile when reading the posts here on CD in the relationship section, some of the singles just don't get it, you can't order up a mate like you would a plate of food, you meet someone and you BUILD a relationship based on mutual needs, love takes it's time. There is nothing my Wife wanted more for me than for me to meet another Woman who would love me as she did, she had said so in her last days, so I'll dry my tears and go out to that cold cruel world looking for a warm heart to connect with.
You have conveyed this brilliantly. I think I would feel just the same (up to 25 years now), and the motivation to help make the loved partner's life as happily long as is reasonably possible is very strong.
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:01 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,838,929 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
death is easier. divorce and breakup are harder--- leaving was voluntary.
People would accept you post better if you said "For me death was easier"


I have been through both and for me watching my husband die was 100 times worse..
When my first husband cheated & left I was mad & that helped !!
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:05 PM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,838,929 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by profgent1 View Post


Bereavement and grief typically last 3-6 months.
Where does this come from?? Your experience or a book??

Its not what I have seen with friends or myself. There seems to be levels of grief

but everyone I know is still grieving the entire first year & often beyond.
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:16 PM
 
48,891 posts, read 39,370,650 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
Where does this come from?? Your experience or a book??

Its not what I have seen with friends or myself. There seems to be levels of grief

but everyone I know is still grieving the entire first year & often beyond.
At times I still grieve and it has been 4 years and I'm now engaged.
It's mostly that sometimes I feel sad that my wife got screwed out of seeing her kids grow up and also when they do something amazing I just wish I could share it with her.

But it's not often. Things are going well, the kids are good and I've met a good woman so I know she would be happy for all of us and where things are today.
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:33 PM
 
7,150 posts, read 8,468,516 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by profgent1 View Post
Bereavement and grief typically last 3-6 months.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly237 View Post
Where does this come from?? Your experience or a book??

Its not what I have seen with friends or myself. There seems to be levels of grief

but everyone I know is still grieving the entire first year & often beyond.
I agree ... grief that lasts only 3 - 6 months? Perhaps profgent meant 3-6 months for each year together? I believe that fits the generally acknowledged experience ... approximately 1/3 as long as partners were together -- and can be more ... certainly is for me. Now 16 years apart after 30 years together and I am still devastated -- despite remarriage. This will never heal. Some might say because I don't want it to heal. That would be correct. It is bitter-sweet and intensifies my life even with my second wife.

But no mistake -- this is not wallowing in self-pity. I genuinely miss her devastatingly tender touch every day. Nothing is diminished.

Last edited by nullgeo; 06-30-2012 at 04:43 PM..
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:20 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
2,444 posts, read 2,229,335 times
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In 2002 when I was 41, I came home one day to find Toms Rivers finest standing at my door. He never said a word to me, just handed me a note which said" call St Peters hospital about your husband" and he walked away. Now, my husband was doing sub contracting work there, so I didn't think any more about it. I figured Bill had broke a bone. He was always breaking bones. So, I call. The nurse asks me if I am his wife. Yes, I am. Okay, she says...you need to come up here. I asked if he was ALIVE. she said yes. SO, I grab my keys and my daughter and head up the turnpike. I get a call on my cell from his boss while I am driving....I could not stand this guy. A real dirt bag with a nasty attitude. He says, Colleen, I don't know what happened. I replied, what do you mean? He's like...we don't know what happened...I said WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? He says...Bill was electrocuted. Now, I am driving in rush hour traffic, in hysterics. LONG STORY SHORT....They left him on fire. THEY bought him back after 2 hours working on him, transfered him to St. Barnabus where he lingered for 5 days in a coma. I found out 5 years later, they covered up everything. His boss electrocuted him, and I could not sue for damages...I'm sorry but this was negligence. I never got I am sorry or anything. THEY TOLD EVERYONE HE COMMITTED SUICIDE. NOT SO. I have missed him every day since....
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Old 06-30-2012, 06:41 PM
 
48,891 posts, read 39,370,650 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nullgeo View Post
I agree ... grief that lasts only 3 - 6 months? Perhaps profgent meant 3-6 months for each year together? I believe that fits the generally acknowledged experience ... approximately 1/3 as long as partners were together -- and can be more ... certainly is for me. Now 16 years apart after 30 years together and I am still devastated -- despite remarriage. This will never heal. Some might say because I don't want it to heal. That would be correct. It is bitter-sweet and intensifies my life even with my second wife.

But no mistake -- this is not wallowing in self-pity. I genuinely miss her devastatingly tender touch every day. Nothing is diminished.
Great post.

My wife was sick, crippled even, by cancer the last year or so of her life. I was widowed at just 38.
This is an important point as people can be widowed at 20 or 80 and it's a bit different in terms of impact IMO.

I was married 13 years. I had 2 children in gradeschool and to some extent I had to just bear down and get things done and support the kids.

I would note that it must be VASTLY different to lose ones spouse in a sudden circumstance as opposed to a long illness. I think dying fast is preferable at all ages.
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Old 06-30-2012, 07:29 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,139,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jrsygrl51 View Post
In 2002 when I was 41, I came home one day to find Toms Rivers finest standing at my door. He never said a word to me, just handed me a note which said" call St Peters hospital about your husband" and he walked away. Now, my husband was doing sub contracting work there, so I didn't think any more about it. I figured Bill had broke a bone. He was always breaking bones. So, I call. The nurse asks me if I am his wife. Yes, I am. Okay, she says...you need to come up here. I asked if he was ALIVE. she said yes. SO, I grab my keys and my daughter and head up the turnpike. I get a call on my cell from his boss while I am driving....I could not stand this guy. A real dirt bag with a nasty attitude. He says, Colleen, I don't know what happened. I replied, what do you mean? He's like...we don't know what happened...I said WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? He says...Bill was electrocuted. Now, I am driving in rush hour traffic, in hysterics. LONG STORY SHORT....They left him on fire. THEY bought him back after 2 hours working on him, transfered him to St. Barnabus where he lingered for 5 days in a coma. I found out 5 years later, they covered up everything. His boss electrocuted him, and I could not sue for damages...I'm sorry but this was negligence. I never got I am sorry or anything. THEY TOLD EVERYONE HE COMMITTED SUICIDE. NOT SO. I have missed him every day since....
I am so sorry for your loss, Jrsygrl. What a horrible experience.
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