Dealing with the Loss a Husband, Wife, or Life Partner

[tngirl205]

Jude, I am understanding how you are feeling. Bless your heart. And I understand about the hospital bed. For so long after Jim died, every time I walked by his bedroom, I saw him lying in his bed, for years, struggling to breathe....and then saw him lying there dead when I found him that morning. That was one of the things that prompted me to sell our house.

Here in the new house, I don't "see" him....sitting on the couch, laying in the bed.....but I feel his presence everywhere with me. There are things here and there from our life together, remembrances of him....very comforting...so I feel that move worked out well for me.

I also understand your apprehension about your grief class. Give it a try, you are under no obligation. You just might find that you can contribute more than you think. And if you are anything like me, it will be better to give of yourself than to receive....but the beauty of that is, it may help you in return, more than you know. I hope so at least.

And if the class doesn't work out, you always have us!! Your cyber sisters!! We will always be here for each other

God bless,
tngirl

[smilinpretty]

Originally Posted by Cj32579

Hi.. I come across this message board and have read many of your stories and I'm sorry! I lost my wife Georgiana on May 20th 2012 from ovarian cancer. She was only 33 years old and so young. We were together for 11 years and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... I'm so sad all of the time. I've put off seeing councillors because I don't thing they will tell me anything that I don't already know. Any suggestions on ways to cope would be greatly appeciated. Thank you!

CJ, please continue to post here and talk to us about your grief. We will listen and we all understand and sympathize with your loss and grief. This is one outlet to help you cope. I have been on two other grief on-line boards and I find this one is the best for me anyway. You can go to the library and read some books that pertain to Grief. You can come here and talk to us, we are here for you. You can join a grief support group, but it is important for you not to bottle up your emotions and feelings. Please let it all out and please know it is a normal process what you are feeling. Hugs to you!!

[kelly237]

Hugs to all of you that are in your early grief stages..What a tough thing to get through..
Its been almost 2 years for me and I think I am doing okay..I still go back to those
tormenting memories of the suffering and last days when I am driving long ways or
laying in bed and can't sleep..I want to quit dwelling on those memories but they are hard to escape from..

My only real advice is to do things your way and don't let others talk you into doing stuff their way..
Sorting through your spouses stuff, classes, when to take the ring off, moving..its all so different for each person. I spent every night for probably 6 months looking at photos..It was just something I needed to do.
One friend was sure this was unhealthy, but now I know it was just my way.

But after 2 years I am content mostly, I am finding joy back in my life & I am settling into a whole different life..My youngest child left for college the same year I lost my husband which was a double whammy.
I went from a busy house with husband & kids to just me in one year..

The grief share classes helped me . I tried to take them a few months after my husband died but it was too soon, and I stopped going. Then 6 months later I took the class and found it helpful. The main thing that helped was the support and sharing with people that understood..Most of the class material was hard for me to process because I was hurting so bad.

I don't know if this forum category was here 2 years ago. It would have helped to have been able to share on it..

[Sam I Am]

This forum category WASN'T here 2 years ago - please, as you cruise through C-D if you find anyone who in a posting refers to a recent loss, please refer them here. We all try to be so supportive and give yet another outlet for grief and pain, and hopefully some healing as well. Warm thoughts and peace to you all.

[Marcy1210]

Originally Posted by kelly237

Hugs to all of you that are in your early grief stages..What a tough thing to get through..
Its been almost 2 years for me and I think I am doing okay..I still go back to those
tormenting memories of the suffering and last days when I am driving long ways or
laying in bed and can't sleep..I want to quit dwelling on those memories but they are hard to escape from..

My only real advice is to do things your way and don't let others talk you into doing stuff their way..
Sorting through your spouses stuff, classes, when to take the ring off, moving..its all so different for each person. I spent every night for probably 6 months looking at photos..It was just something I needed to do.
One friend was sure this was unhealthy, but now I know it was just my way.

But after 2 years I am content mostly, I am finding joy back in my life & I am settling into a whole different life..My youngest child left for college the same year I lost my husband which was a double whammy.
I went from a busy house with husband & kids to just me in one year..

The grief share classes helped me . I tried to take them a few months after my husband died but it was too soon, and I stopped going. Then 6 months later I took the class and found it helpful. The main thing that helped was the support and sharing with people that understood..Most of the class material was hard for me to process because I was hurting so bad.

I don't know if this forum category was here 2 years ago. It would have helped to have been able to share on it..

Kelly, I'm three years out after 36 years of marriage. My youngest came home from college when Bob died, and he's been living with me ever since. It was great the first year, but now that I'm getting out in the community, making some friends and reconnecting with some high school friends who Snowbird here, I'd almost rather be living alone. I have no desire for any type of romantic relationship and doubt I will, but I enjoy going for coffee or lunch with girlfriends and having friends over for dinner occasionally.

Like Tngirl, I sold my house because I had too many memories of us together there. We'd lived there since 1975. I downsized significantly moving from Colorado to our winter condo in Tucson, and like you, am mostly content. I still get tears and a lump in my throat just thinking about him, and sometimes, I cry when people ask how I am because I still miss him terribly. It's only been in the last few months that I've been able to start giving some of his clothes away, and making the house more mine than ours.

I agree that everyone's timetable for rings, giving away your spouses clothes or things, moving, or socializing again is extremely personal. There is no right or wrong, it's what is right for you that counts. The most important thing, I think, is to talk. Talk and share when you're ready, and like childbirth stories, tell your loss story over and over and over again because it is so necessary to share, and not hold your feelings in. Coming here has helped me tremendously. I was two years out when I found this, and it's made a HUGE difference in my life. I had no one here to talk to, as I didn't know anyone for the first couple of years I lived here. So, when I found this forum, I loved that I could share my story (ad nauseum at times ) and share my grief. I have mentioned this forum to many other people who have had losses, and I hope they will check it out. It can be a lifesaver.

[kelly237]

Originally Posted by Marcy1210

I have no desire for any type of romantic relationship and doubt I will, but I enjoy going for coffee or lunch with girlfriends and having friends over for dinner occasionally.

That makes me feel better that you feel this way too. I don't either. I would enjoy guy friends to eat out with & do things with, but I am not sure guys are looking for that type relationships.

[Keeper]

It has been almost 10 years for me. You do move along with life but there are still times when I miss my DH like the holidays.

I too found that just talking/writing with others helped me soooo much. I learned that it was OK to be sad, to be mad, to laugh again. I am happy now and I have friends to go to lunch with and also do things with that I would never do alone.

While it seems like you will never smile again, you will and your dear wife/husband would want you to go on. I have new interest too. Will we ever love again? Maybe but just take your time and not do anything drastic the first year.

We are all here to help you... Nothing you can say or do is not something one or all of us thought of during this grieving process

[tamiznluv]

Next Saturday will be a year of the day Earl died. I can't believe it's been a year already! Each day was SOOOO long. Each day was torture to wake up and have to "do this all over again". Each day I did not care if I died or not. Each day I contemplated suicide.

Looking back now, I am so grateful that I had enough Faith in God to help me. HE took over my pain. HE took over my life. LOL, HE didn't get me to stop smoking but I didn't ask for that. I am happy to be alive and grateful that Earl is out of the misery he was going through.

[Marcy1210]

You've come a long way in this past year. I remember realizing the first year anniversary was at hand and being shocked it had come so slowly and yet so quickly. I thought I'd never live through that year, and then when the anniversay came, it was hard to imagine it was already a year. I still have really sad times, and I still cry easily, but I also laugh, and am enjoying living alone. I've slowly turned the house into mine rather than ours and made it more "girly". I cannot imagine sharing my space with anyone again as I so enjoy having the place to myself. However, if Bob were to somehow miraculously reappear, I would welcome him back in less than a heartbeat and so gladly share my life with him again.

This Christmas, my friends from the UK were here, and the wife had popped over to say hi on Christmas Day. We started talking and she said, "You're a little sad, no?" I nodded and she put her arm around me, and I just started crying. She told me she was raw for about five years after her mom had passed and she said even now, ten years later, she'll still tear up in a heartbeat thinking of her mom, especially at the holidays.

Are you planning on doing anything special to congratulate yourself for making it through the first year? You should! It's been tough, but you made it! It really will get easier faster this next year. I'm proud of you for hanging in there and doing so well!

[tamiznluv]

Thanks, Marcy. I'm thinking about taking myself out for breakfast at one of the hotels around here. They make the best omelets! Depending on the weather, I might go down to the cemetary and say hi to him.