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Old 11-10-2009, 04:28 AM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
1,225 posts, read 2,949,820 times
Reputation: 494

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Is there anyone here who's husband, wife, or life partner died, whether unexpectedly or after a longer illness, and you had to deal with this loss?

I'm curious on how you all coped with this. I know it's different for everyone but I am interested in your alls stories.

Thanks in advance!
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Old 11-10-2009, 08:20 AM
 
7,532 posts, read 6,245,373 times
Reputation: 6675
Quote:
Originally Posted by JefferyT View Post
Is there anyone here who's husband, wife, or life partner died, whether unexpectedly or after a longer illness, and you had to deal with this loss?

I'm curious on how you all coped with this. I know it's different for everyone but I am interested in your alls stories.

Thanks in advance!
Everyone that knows me would know I would have to poke myself in the eyes to keep it real.
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Old 11-10-2009, 09:38 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,753 posts, read 5,103,702 times
Reputation: 3721
I haven't personally lost a SO, but 4 years ago I lost my father. My mother didn't take it well, needless to say. It wasn't expected. She called me last Friday to tell me it was dad's birthday, and for once in 4 years she wasn't going to cry all day over it. I guess you could call that progress, but the reality is she's gone from numb to acceptance and depression. It has really taken a toll on her physically--she's only 64, but she looks 80.

One thing I will mention, and I might be crucified for this--but, get life insurance. We didn't know my dad had any, and from barely making it to my dad suddenly being gone put a TON of stress on my mom. When she found out he had life insurance, and pretty significant chunk of it, she was able to cope instead of feel stressed. I'm only 24, and I have my own life insurance policy. I don't need my family to worry about finances if I were to die, they have other things they need to cope with.
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Old 11-10-2009, 10:55 AM
 
90 posts, read 155,744 times
Reputation: 132
In my line of work I've seen a number of people die, some withering away due to AIDS, others who were spouses of murder victims, and others who had been married for years, and the spouse passed. All of it was altogether tragic for each individual. The huge cavity of loss that occurs when their spouse or SO is gone, the great mourning and sadness, the inability to move on for a period of time b/c the other was a pleasant 'habit,' if you will, and their absence is like an amputation. It's accompanied by great sadness, sobbing uncontrollably, and a desire to maintain status quo in bed, because getting up and getting out is too discomforting.

Each of these individuals slowly traced back to who they were as separate persons and reconstituted their beings from that point. They reinvested in their separate lives, and found meaning. Not all found a benefit in the sorrow and pain of loss, but I think all identified a new reality of reciprocal relations and of giving back to the community that was rewarding. Some got on with new partners and did OK. Others aren't doing as well and stumble, likely because of the deep loss experienced.

Bereavement and grief typically last 3-6 months. Depression, if bereavement is not completed, often follows. People need help with it if it lasts longer than that. People can get on to more meaningful experiences after the death of a loved one, however it comes. I've lost my mother and father and there isn't a day I don't think of either one. I know they see how well I'm doing, but I would have liked to celebrate a bit more of my success with them before they went. They laid the foundation for my being where I am. I work in gratitude of their sacrifices.
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Old 11-10-2009, 11:30 AM
 
943 posts, read 1,415,489 times
Reputation: 502
Will pray for you. Did this happen to you?
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Old 11-10-2009, 12:47 PM
 
30,855 posts, read 19,139,236 times
Reputation: 15077
Quote:
Originally Posted by JefferyT View Post
Is there anyone here who's husband, wife, or life partner died, whether unexpectedly or after a longer illness, and you had to deal with this loss?

I'm curious on how you all coped with this. I know it's different for everyone but I am interested in your alls stories.

Thanks in advance!
I coped by getting exercise, focusing on the positives and knowing that the last thing my wife would want would me to be miserable after years of dealing with her cancer etc.

Not sure what more details you are looking for, I also started dating about 6-7months after she passed but I'm <40 and felt I was ready to at least socialize a bit.
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Old 12-01-2009, 02:46 AM
 
Location: N. CA
127 posts, read 182,753 times
Reputation: 186
I was 24 with a 3-month-old son when my husband was hit by a car and killed at the age of 27. Unfortunately my son lost his father that day, but I was fortunate to have my son. Knowing that I was responsible for my baby, that he needed me to be strong, helped me through that rough time. My parents were there for me also. Something else that helped me, I know it might sound strange, but I would think about the millions of other people around the world who have lost a spouse, and it helped me to feel less alone. I just took it day by day.The pain gets less intense as the years go by, but never goes away completely.
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:28 AM
 
5,019 posts, read 9,230,740 times
Reputation: 6756
My story is similar to ms. rain's.

I was 21 with a 4 month old daughter and my husband was killed in a terrible accient. He was 28.

I focused on raising my daughter. I also joined a grief-support group. It was difficult to find one that didn't cater to Sr. citizens (not that older people don't grieve, but I found their "issues" very different from mine as a young widow). I tried individual therapy as well, but ultimately found that the group setting worked better for me.

It's been 23 years now and our daughter is a well-adjusted, reasonably happy adult. I wouldn't say that I have any "pain" left over his death, although I do think about him around "that time of the year".

Feel free to ask any questions.
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Old 12-01-2009, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Houston/Heights
2,637 posts, read 2,734,257 times
Reputation: 943
You don't cope with it. It consumes you. If over a period of years, you are still alive, then you made it through the hard part. Then everytime you hear "that song" or watch "that movie" it all comes back like it was yesterday.---But we deal with it like big kids, and just move on down the line.
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Old 12-01-2009, 12:19 PM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,078 posts, read 8,857,938 times
Reputation: 3619
I've never experienced a death of a significant other. I have however buried both of my parents, my grandparents, a cousin, and a few very close friends. I think at this point, I've accepted that we are born and we die, and what you do inbetween is what matters so make it good.
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