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Old 05-19-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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My Dad died on June 16, 2005. June 19, 2005 was our first year wedding anniversay. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly a time for celebration. Second wedding anniversay was also Dad's 1 year anniversary since he died. I of course went back home to be with my Mom. This year, I'm doing the same thing but in an effort to actually be with my husband, I'm coming back by June19th.

Even thought I'm going to be with my husband, I just don't feel up to celebrating, you know? My husband is so caring and understanding that he really doesn't care about being celebratory but I just feel so bad. Are we going to go through the rest of our life with me feeling blue on our wedding anniversary?

If anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. I've accepted my father's passing and I'm in a good place with it all but for some reason, I just can't help but feel blue during that week. It's not fair to my husband either. What's worse is that he's a total sweetheart about it. Sigh.
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Old 05-19-2007, 04:33 PM
 
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Maybe you can recognize that for the next few years at least, your actual anniversary date will be tainted. So maybe you shouldn't celebrate it beyond a low-key celebration. Instead, why not a bigger celebration at a different date, say the anniversary of your first date? (Assuming it is a different time of year.) The point is, you are still celebrating your marriage, whatever the actual date is.
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Old 05-19-2007, 04:47 PM
 
Location: FL
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That's a hard one. I agree with NYKW. But then again...I am sure even in 10, 15+ years, any time your father's passing away is going to be a sad time. The pain isn't going to go away, just dim....but it will always come back at that time of the year. Would you not celebrate your anniversary for the rest of your life? That wouldn't be fair to you, your husband...and I am sure that your father wouldn't want you to be doing that either-not celebrating your wedding anniversary.

How about putting a little positive into the negative? Celebrate your wedding anniversary, and perhaps start a ritual like telling a good/funny/exciting moment that you had that involved your father, on that day? So that your thoughts are of a happy moment?
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:00 PM
 
Location: Miami. Florida
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I know exactly what you mean. My godfather whom I loved as my father dies in 1982...he was killed in his place of business. Robbery gone bad. Anyhow, his b-day is May 9th same as mine. I believe ten years went by without me celebrating my b-day because I missed him so much and we shared that day and always celebrated together. I will say this as the years go by, you will begin to celebrate and remember him with love and respect but are able to enjoy your special say.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:11 PM
 
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Thanks guys. I know this is something that I just need to be proactive about. I think what makes it worse is that I live out of state so going to his cemetery is a big deal. We're making strides though. This will be the first time we actually get to spend our anniversary together. Maybe that is a big enough step for now.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:26 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
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The passage of time will help. I am pretty much convinced that this is probably the ONLY thing that will help. I was married in June 2000 and in August 2000 my 34 year old brother was killed by a guy crossing over double yellow lines on a curve. He hit my brother head on and killed him instantly. I too have that feeling about my wedding anniversary. When my anniversary rolls around, I realize that in just a matter of weeks it will be the anniversary of my brother's death. I go through the same thing with Valentine's Day - my brother's birthday was Feb. 15th. It gets easier the more time that passes, but I still miss him so much. Foma, there is nothing wrong with missing your dad. Just make sure to acknowledge your special day - and your special man on your anniversary. It will be very hard to do for a long time, but you will get through it.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
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Thats complicated. after a few years though perhaps will get easier. My dad went to my mother's cemetery the first few years- but didnt expect everyone else to go-

If you are feeling sad that is good that your husband understands. That's all that is necessary, IMO.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:30 PM
 
Location: Home is where we park it.
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When my stepmother died, my oldest half sister decided that she and her husband would get married again to change the anniversary date. Her original wedding anniversary was 2 days after her mom died. Now, she celebrates it about 3 months later.

My Mother died right at Mother's Day 5 years ago. And while it still hurts, it is not nearly as painful now as it was the first couple of years.

Try to remember that your dad would not want you sad on your anniversary. And if it makes you and your husband feel better, celebrate on a different anniversary such as one already mentioned...your first date, the date you got engaged, etc.

And I am sorry about the loss of your dad. I know what it feels like to lose a parent. As trite as it sounds, time really does help heal the hurt. Liz
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:44 PM
 
Location: ♥State of the heart♥
1,118 posts, read 4,296,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foma View Post
My Dad died on June 16, 2005. June 19, 2005 was our first year wedding anniversay.

Even thought I'm going to be with my husband, I just don't feel up to celebrating, you know? My husband is so caring and understanding that he really doesn't care about being celebratory but I just feel so bad. Are we going to go through the rest of our life with me feeling blue on our wedding anniversary?

If anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. I've accepted my father's passing and I'm in a good place with it all but for some reason, I just can't help but feel blue during that week. It's not fair to my husband either. What's worse is that he's a total sweetheart about it. Sigh.
Foma, first of all, my condolences over the loss of your dad. He must have been a great guy for you to miss him so. You obviously love him very much.

I'll bet he loved you just as much. Do you have a special picture of you and dad on your wedding day? If you put it in a beautiful picture frame to display, and enjoy how happy you all were on that day, maybe you could start to think of this time of year differently.

I know that when it is my time, I'll be at peace knowing my children married wonderful spouses to share their lives with, and love them the way your husband loves you.

Try to focus on the joy your father received from you, how his soul is still near you and feels your love for him. We all have to grieve our own way in our own time - someday June will hold different feelings for you as you remember happy times. You're not on a time clock or schedule, there is no particular time for grieving, then -bing- times up and you're better! Be gentle with yourself and your grief process.

Just remember to give that husband of yours an extra big hug and kiss, what a sweetheart.
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Old 05-19-2007, 05:59 PM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,541,856 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foma View Post
My Dad died on June 16, 2005. June 19, 2005 was our first year wedding anniversay. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly a time for celebration. Second wedding anniversay was also Dad's 1 year anniversary since he died. I of course went back home to be with my Mom. This year, I'm doing the same thing but in an effort to actually be with my husband, I'm coming back by June19th.

Even thought I'm going to be with my husband, I just don't feel up to celebrating, you know? My husband is so caring and understanding that he really doesn't care about being celebratory but I just feel so bad. Are we going to go through the rest of our life with me feeling blue on our wedding anniversary?

If anybody has any suggestions, I would appreciate it. I've accepted my father's passing and I'm in a good place with it all but for some reason, I just can't help but feel blue during that week. It's not fair to my husband either. What's worse is that he's a total sweetheart about it. Sigh.
I dont think it will last forever, but it will take a few years at least, in my own exp, my mom passed on Christmas eve 2000 and Christmas has never been the same ever since. That night we stayed up and were with the people from the funeral home, and I was waiting for all my brothers and sisters to get to the house, and after talking and going over some things they all went back home, a state away. I had to wake up the next am on Christmas, be with my kids and spend time, like it hadn't happened, but try to explain to them that Grandma was gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. Then I had to go see my Gma at the nursing home and she asked me if my Mom was giving me a hard time this morning and I had to break it to her. Last year was 6years and it was the first year that it really felt like Christmas again. It was gloomy during the month of December but what you have to do

Is be grateful for the time you had with your father and the memories that are in your heart which will be there forever. I lost both parents and I have to just remember that. The birth and death days come and go, Mothers day and Fathers day, Memorial Day, Veterans day... But they are with me EVERY day. I learned finally that I need to let them be with me every day, and think of them more often, and when the death day rolls around it doesn't have such a huge impact and take me down. My Gma is gone now too... dh and I reminisce all the time about all three of them, remember when this or that, or one of us will quote one of them... I keep them with me always. It was so nice to have Christmas back. And my mom didn't take it from me, it was I who took it from myself, by choosing to remember it the wrong way. It just takes time and understanding... hugs2u

Last edited by Pikantari; 05-19-2007 at 06:09 PM..
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