U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 04-14-2010, 12:54 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,194,930 times
Reputation: 45811

Advertisements

...that one's presence and kindness alone speaks volumes. No words beyond, "I'm so sorry for your loss" are necessary.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-14-2010, 02:42 PM
 
471 posts, read 884,970 times
Reputation: 469
just be there to do whatever and to talk. When my dad passed away my friend and I went out to our highschool football field and just thew a ball back and forth for about 2 hours and talked. At the time we were 27 and 28 years old. Sometimes, being there is all there is to do.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,039,386 times
Reputation: 39664
Quote:
Originally Posted by akm4 View Post
When it comes to what to say or do for someone after a death, I wish people knew_________________.

Thanks!

That those who are grieving WANT to hear you say their loved ones name.

Don't avoid saying it or trying to change the subject when you see them.

Do be sure to bring up good memories and share how much your thought of that person who died with those who are now missing him so much.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
4,851 posts, read 8,319,922 times
Reputation: 5483
Smile Grief

Just be there and don't forget the person "after" - invite your friend out for something. It's appreciated - I know - just been there. Just to have your loved one remembered means so much.

It's OK in my book to also share stories down the road too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
1,610 posts, read 4,302,471 times
Reputation: 1458
You just say how terribly sorry you are for their loss and let them know that if there is anything that you can do during this time that they shouldn't hesitate to ask - even if it is something so mundane as picking up clothes from the cleaner or returning a library book. No one can really quantify another's grief so don't even try. Just offer to be there if they ever need anything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:23 PM
 
25,947 posts, read 25,869,596 times
Reputation: 26678
To recall something lighthearted and funny about the person. My godmother was 90 when she died and was queen of raffle ticket sales at the church until the day she died. In a portion of her ulogy I brought this up in a cute, but tasteful manner and everyone in the church laughed and it would have been what she wanted and her children really appreciated it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:24 PM
 
Location: Texas
42,203 posts, read 49,740,662 times
Reputation: 66975
That you don't have to fumble for stuff to say. Just be there. A hand on the shoulder and a sincere look in the eyes can say so, so much.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:29 PM
 
48,891 posts, read 39,370,650 times
Reputation: 30548
Quote:
Originally Posted by akm4 View Post
When it comes to what to say or do for someone after a death, I wish people knew_________________.

Thanks!
1) Death is by far NOT the worst thing that can happen to someone. In many cases its the end result of some really tough times and is not unwelcome to all involved.

2) We spend too much energy mourning and too little celebrating the life that was. A real irony since we are saddest when those who were the greatest and most important to us pass.

3) What AZBrat mentioned...being around after all the activity dies down is often more important.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:35 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,194,930 times
Reputation: 45811
Based on my experiences, here's what NOT to say:

1) Don't share your religious insight. Nobody gives a crap about your views on this subject at this moment.
2) Don't ask the mourner what his or her plans are now. That person is too busy trying to get out of the bed in the morning.
3) Don't offer some comforting, yet shallow, aphorism such as, "God doesn't give us challenges that we can't handle." It's way too easy for the mourning party to shoot back, "Well, God gave my husband a challenge that he couldn't handle." I witnessed that first-hand after a friend's death.
4) For the love of Pete, please don't bring by some pop psychology book or regurgitate some speech you heard on a Lifetime Movie of the Week. The person who is mourning is dealing with an enormous sense of loss that you can't even begin to comprehend. And a little Dr. Phil ain't going to help that person out.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-14-2010, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,236,060 times
Reputation: 3740
Quote:
Originally Posted by akm4 View Post
When it comes to what to say or do for someone after a death, I wish people knew_________________.

Thanks!
.....that you don't want to re-live the gory details and that even if you're smiling, your heart is still broken.

.....a hug is worth a thousand "I'm sorrys".
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top