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Old 03-04-2008, 02:37 PM
 
Location: San Diego North County
4,800 posts, read 7,690,528 times
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I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father, my mother, and my little sister all within eight months. I don't know how someone gets over losing those that they love. I lost my loved ones in 2005 and I'm not over it still. But the overwhelming sense of pain does fade to a dull roar. My family has always been extremely close, so I am lucky to still have four sisters and a brother in my life and I think that remaining close to each other has helped us all.
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Old 03-05-2008, 07:07 AM
 
3,079 posts, read 4,993,663 times
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Default He was a lucky man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aminah View Post
I prepared myself, and my son when his kidneys failed. It has not been a week yet, and I am going crazy.

.... I prayed for God to take him home so he would not suffer, however I asked that he please not let him pass away with nobody there. My sister-in-law, and my niece went to the nursing home to see him on 2/29/08 about 12:30 pm. They spent time with him until around 1:10 pm. He passed on at 1:15 pm, exactly 5 minutes after they left. I am waiting for God to explain the timing to me, because I don't understand.

.... My father was a great man, who worked hard for his family everyday.

.... He was such a good father, and loving grandfather. All of the neighborhood kids loved him, and always helped him. He was 75 years old, but looked 10 years younger.

.... but God had other plans. It's comforting for me to know that he is resting in paradise. He is with my mother, and no longer has to suffer. He has left seven grandchildren behind who love him, and miss him desperately. He was my best friend, and teacher. There was never a day that he was not repsonsible. He did make mistakes, but he always set a good example. I am 34 years old with a husband, and son. They are there for me, and we are holding on together.

.... His funeral is Saturday at 10am, and I am scared that I am going to lose it. Celebrating his life is what I plan to do, but for now...the tears are flowing.
The very deep love you have for your father is so evident in your writing; he was indeed a lucky man. He lived a good life and raised children that loved him and who always will.

You speak of time having passed since he died as if though there's some schedule to keep to in terms of grieving. There isn't. The stronger the emotional attachments the longer the process. My Dad has been gone fourteen years (14!!) and I'm certain I miss him and love him as much today as the day he left us. I just don't suffer from the deep emotions of having lost him any more. Instead now I celebrate him with my children by sharing stories and passing along his lessons and values and reminding them how much he would have loved watching them grow up. Somehow it helps.

Your Dad did not die alone. You're worrying about hands on the clock when you should step back and see what all of us reading your post already do; he was surrounded by those who loved him. If you believe in such things then accept that his spirit left his weakened body long before his heart gave out. My experience with such things has taught me that being there in the actual moment is not what we imagine it to be, it's very clinical and confusing. Considering the man you described him to be he likely waited until he was alone so no one he cared for had to watch it happen.

As for your brother please don't live with regrets or anger. Your Dad handled it the only way he knew how to. He loved your brother despite his failings because that was who he was and wanted to be. I tell my children every day that I always love them a little bit more, never a little less and that will never change. Should the time come where I have to back that up and prove it I hope I'm as strong and devoted as your Dad appeared to be. Your brother has a serious illness and your father set an example to parents the world over about how to look past that and still be there.

Lastly, at the funeral go right ahead and lose it. Cry every tear you have and then find a few more. Make everyone else around you cry as well. The world you know has changed forever and it's a sad, sad event. There should be some linear relationship between the amount of love you feel and the depth of the grief you experience. The loss of a great man and a great life should be mourned to the nth degree. And only afterward can the healing process begin.

I wish you the strength necessary to continue through this difficult journey. Rest assured what you're experiencing is perfectly normal and that somehow you will survive this and come back to celebrating your Dad's life.
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Old 03-05-2008, 08:53 PM
 
Location: London, KY
715 posts, read 1,408,526 times
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I know I'm way late in joining the threat, but I want you to know that I can relate now. I lost my Mother almost two weeks ago. Most of the day I feel as if nothing happened, I have the same outlook on life, I don't walk around depressed like I thought I would. However, after my day winds down, I feel very sad and emotional. The thing I feel is an emptyness, realizing that I won't speak to my Mother again (at least in my lifetime). After the funeral was over, and my life started to get back to normal...I felt cheated. I thought that the world would slow down a bit until I was ready to get back on the train,so to speak.I found out that life goes on, and as such my routine of work, school, being a husband and father goes on. Still, I feel lonely and miss my Mom more than anything.
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Old 03-06-2008, 04:12 PM
 
Location: San Antonio
1,222 posts, read 4,109,391 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I just returned from Holiday last week to find out that my Grand-Mother had passed away. Due to having had an extremely dysfunctional family , She was like a mother to me ( I am estranged from both my parents) and though our relationship had been difficult for the last 3 or 4 years I am completely lost and still feeling rather numb. It feels very surreal and I haven't managed a proper good cry yet. I feel as though my entire childhood has been snatched from me as She was the only member of my family worthy of the name.
I do feel intensely lonely and vulnerable and yet life carries on... My partner has been immensely supportive but I still don't quite know how to grieve for her. I will not attend her funeral service for personal reasons but my partner and I will be having our own remembrance little ceremony together and will have afternoon tea in her honour ( She was an utter cake fiend!) and I will also be planting something she would have loved in our garden ( Pink and Purple of course, her favourite colours).
If any of you have sadly gone through this kind of loss, how did you cope, did it take a while to hit you ? I still dream of my Grand-Pa and he died over 7 years ago !
They were both such a huge part of my life and saw me through some rough patches , always on my side. I can only take consolation in the fact that She did not suffer and died happy where She was knowing She was loved and that She had a good life but still I do feel like a ship without compass. She was infuriating, opiniated and annoying but also funny, clever, generous and kind and I loved Her to bits and I want to hold on to all my good memories but I do feel as though I have lost something really precious and my port in a storm.
If you have any advice i would be really grateful. I feel sad and yet empty if it makes any sense. Suffering from Chronic Depression makes it even harder and everything is like a black cloud at the moment. I am trying really hard to remain stoic, "stiff upper lip" and all that but it is so hard.
Both of my parents died within 3 months of each other, it isnt easy just take it one day at a time. No it doesnt get easier you just learn to cope with going it alone.
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Old 03-06-2008, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,837 posts, read 77,132,636 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I just returned from Holiday last week to find out that my Grand-Mother had passed away. Due to having had an extremely dysfunctional family , She was like a mother to me ( I am estranged from both my parents) and though our relationship had been difficult for the last 3 or 4 years I am completely lost and still feeling rather numb.
I already told you I'm so sorry for your loss, but would like to add something. Don't feel like writing much... but when I say I know how you feel, I really do - lost both my parents a day apart... Only wanna give you some advice - give yourself at least a year before making any big and life-changing decisions! Also, don't give in to the well-meaning pressure from other people to help you get distracted! If you can't grieve as you feel like to at the beginning, healing is a lot harder, if at all possible.
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Old 03-08-2008, 05:53 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,198 posts, read 20,215,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I just returned from Holiday last week to find out that my Grand-Mother had passed away. Due to having had an extremely dysfunctional family , She was like a mother to me ( I am estranged from both my parents) and though our relationship had been difficult for the last 3 or 4 years I am completely lost and still feeling rather numb. It feels very surreal and I haven't managed a proper good cry yet. I feel as though my entire childhood has been snatched from me as She was the only member of my family worthy of the name.

To the OP, how are you doing? Did it ever hit you?

Like some of the others, I was a daddy's girl and was the one driving him to his cancer appointments, usually 3 times per week. He was also in the hospital over a month the 1st time, then again a few other times, usually a week or two. I drove every day to see him over an hour one way. When he passed it was very hard.

Things happened so fast. He had a PICC line, it got infected & they removed it. His arm blew up. They told me not to treat it as if I used heat or cold it could kill him since they didn't know what it was.

He went downhill very quickly after that. On a Friday he couldn't get out of bed, hospice was called. By Monday he was very weak & at oen point couldn't talk any more. I ran home to shower (was staying there at this point) and came back, checked his blood pressure. It was in the 40's. Something happened, I just knew he was going. We stodd around his bed, I held his right hand, my son his left; we told him it was ok to go.

Here was a man that filled out something called 5 wishes where he said he did not want any of this. At one point my mother said, don't go dad; he shot her the nastiest look, then closed his eyes. I was still holding his hand, telling him I loved him & that it was ok. He opened his eyes and looked at me, took a breath and never exhailed. It was so weird. We used a stethoscope, could have sworn we heard his heart beat, but no.

The rest is a blur. While it hit me it didn't until my hubby's dad was on his deathbed a few weeks later. There was so much family crap going on for me, I wasn't able to even think clear. There were times after that where it would really hit me and for no reason. My birthday is always hard as it was the next goal my dad had to still be alive for.

It's been 2 years & I don't think it's gotten any easier. My dad was a big part of my life and not having him here is the pits.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I will also be planting something she would have loved in our garden ( Pink and Purple of course, her favourite colours).

Did she like roses? There is a site Help me find where you can put her name in to see if there is a rose with her name. My dad has an uncommon name so I went with a rose called Unconditional Love, I also found one called Daddys girls. Planting something in her memory is nice. Before my dad died, he'd just been declaired in remission (we didn't tell anyone) and was feeling pretty down since he was still tired from chemo; had him come over to work a Kubota to help us move a Redbud tree. The tree is in front of my house and reminds me of him and that day when I look at it. My dad was so happy that day. He was able to do something and feel useful.



To everyone, I'm sorry. The stories of losing parents at Christmas are hard for me to read. We were able to have Christmas with my dad but knew it was his last. I used to love Christmas but it's so hard now. I can't imagine how you guys do it.
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Old 03-08-2008, 10:19 AM
 
Location: USA
1,895 posts, read 4,040,692 times
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Just some thoughts....

My Father was killed in a car wreck when I was ten.
One minute he was there, the next, he was gone and my world was changed forever.
My mother never dated another man. We were denied having a Stepfather, and a male in the home; which I longed for, and needed desperately. She said she wasn't going to ever date again, because no one else would love us and might be mean to us.......so I guess we were unlovable.
Not only was my father taken away, but she shut the door on ever having hope of a stepdad.
As an adult in my 30's, she kicked me - and my separated (now) ex-husband, out of her house, on Christmas Eve, even though she knew we were friends and no longer romantically involved, but very amicable and needing to be together over Christmas.
Her reasoning? We might have sexual relations in her home and, being as we were divorced, it was "a sin."
She kicked us out, and she spent Christmas Eve and Christmas, alone.

Anyway, you survive by just going on living.

As devastating as losing a parent is, be grateful that you lived to adulthood before the loss, and you really "knew" your parent.

I have a friend who is still grieving her father's death - he died at age 91, after a very full, vigorous life that anyone would envy. There are worse things than death after a full life.

A five-year-old boy was just hit and killed here where I live, the day before his birthday party. I don't know what his parents are going to do. As many things as I have suffered in my life, I'm grateful that the death of one of my children is something I have not experienced. Not to minimize your justified grief. Just my thoughts, which I hope will assist you. God bless.
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Old 03-09-2008, 10:57 AM
 
3,079 posts, read 4,993,663 times
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Default Loss of a relative is not relative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sundance View Post
Just some thoughts....

My Father was killed in a car wreck when I was ten.
One minute he was there, the next, he was gone and my world was changed forever.
My mother never dated another man. We were denied having a Stepfather, and a male in the home; which I longed for, and needed desperately. She said she wasn't going to ever date again, because no one else would love us and might be mean to us.......so I guess we were unlovable.
Not only was my father taken away, but she shut the door on ever having hope of a stepdad.
As an adult in my 30's, she kicked me - and my separated (now) ex-husband, out of her house, on Christmas Eve, even though she knew we were friends and no longer romantically involved, but very amicable and needing to be together over Christmas.
Her reasoning? We might have sexual relations in her home and, being as we were divorced, it was "a sin."
She kicked us out, and she spent Christmas Eve and Christmas, alone.

Anyway, you survive by just going on living.

As devastating as losing a parent is, be grateful that you lived to adulthood before the loss, and you really "knew" your parent.

I have a friend who is still grieving her father's death - he died at age 91, after a very full, vigorous life that anyone would envy. There are worse things than death after a full life.

A five-year-old boy was just hit and killed here where I live, the day before his birthday party. I don't know what his parents are going to do. As many things as I have suffered in my life, I'm grateful that the death of one of my children is something I have not experienced. Not to minimize your justified grief. Just my thoughts, which I hope will assist you. God bless.
My Dad died the year I turned thirty. My boyhood best friend lost his father the year he turned twelve. Another friend never knew his father who had died when he was a baby. My wife was burdened with a mostly absent and flawed father who finally came around later in life and became a caring and dedicated father for just a short while before he died unexpectedly. When comparing all of these varying circumstances I'm hard pressed to pick the best and worst scenario.

While some deaths are more tragic than others I reject the notion that the degree of loss is relative to the length of life. We commit a disservice when trying to frame and categorize a persons sense of sadness and despair.
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Old 03-11-2008, 05:09 PM
 
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I lost my mom in Oct. 2006 then lost my dad, unexpectedly, in Nov. 2007. Still when I think about it, I can't believe they're gone. When my mom died, I still had my dad. But then he died and just felt like it was just me, my brother and sister. I do have step siblings but I only keep in touch with my step sister. My step dad started dating just 4 months after my mom passed away. I had some issues with that. He recently married too. So I've had alot to deal with since the death of my mother. There's days I feel I'm gonna be okay. Then there are times I think I'm gonna go crazy.
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Old 03-11-2008, 07:22 PM
 
Location: Upstate SC
894 posts, read 2,246,591 times
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We've had the worst month ever, here. My wife lost her mother on Feb. 7. My father passed away unexpectedly on Feb. 24, my wife's grandmother (other side) on the 25th, and to top it all off, we had to put our dog down last week, again very unexpectedly.

It's hard to have faith at times like this. My father had gone in the hospital for surgery a couple weeks earlier, relatively simple surgery, but then developed complications and an infection. We are at the point of going crazy, right now. We can't take much more.
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