U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-11-2007, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,513,339 times
Reputation: 19858

Advertisements

I just returned from Holiday last week to find out that my Grand-Mother had passed away. Due to having had an extremely dysfunctional family , She was like a mother to me ( I am estranged from both my parents) and though our relationship had been difficult for the last 3 or 4 years I am completely lost and still feeling rather numb. It feels very surreal and I haven't managed a proper good cry yet. I feel as though my entire childhood has been snatched from me as She was the only member of my family worthy of the name.
I do feel intensely lonely and vulnerable and yet life carries on... My partner has been immensely supportive but I still don't quite know how to grieve for her. I will not attend her funeral service for personal reasons but my partner and I will be having our own remembrance little ceremony together and will have afternoon tea in her honour ( She was an utter cake fiend!) and I will also be planting something she would have loved in our garden ( Pink and Purple of course, her favourite colours).
If any of you have sadly gone through this kind of loss, how did you cope, did it take a while to hit you ? I still dream of my Grand-Pa and he died over 7 years ago !
They were both such a huge part of my life and saw me through some rough patches , always on my side. I can only take consolation in the fact that She did not suffer and died happy where She was knowing She was loved and that She had a good life but still I do feel like a ship without compass. She was infuriating, opiniated and annoying but also funny, clever, generous and kind and I loved Her to bits and I want to hold on to all my good memories but I do feel as though I have lost something really precious and my port in a storm.
If you have any advice i would be really grateful. I feel sad and yet empty if it makes any sense. Suffering from Chronic Depression makes it even harder and everything is like a black cloud at the moment. I am trying really hard to remain stoic, "stiff upper lip" and all that but it is so hard.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-11-2007, 09:43 AM
 
Location: Vancouver, Canada
550 posts, read 2,540,667 times
Reputation: 524
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find the words of comfort you are looking for. I know there are many caring and wonderful people on here. I perosnaly have not lost anyone close so don't know what you are going through.

Planting flowers and other plants in her honor is a wonderful thing to do. You could also get a memorial bench at one of her favorite places.

A good cry can really help.

((((hugs, hugs))))

Skoe
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,513,339 times
Reputation: 19858
Thank you Skoe, I really appreciate that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 12:20 PM
 
Location: NE Florida
17,835 posts, read 29,403,652 times
Reputation: 43270
Mooseketeer
I can feel your pain. I lost both my parents within 2 years, my dad 5 days after christmas and my mom almost 2 years later 5 days before christmas.
You will keep her alive in your heart with the memories of the wonderful times you shared.
Planting something special in the garden is a great memorial.
I wouldn't worry about not having the "proper cry" it was 3 months after my mom died that things "hit home".
I would celebrate her life at your special tea, make all her favorite cakes and eat them and remember she is probably smiling down on you with a grand chuckel as she watches you celebrate her life with someone you care so much for not to mention enjoying the cakes for her.

sending you special healing thoughts

karla
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 01:17 PM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,513,339 times
Reputation: 19858
Thanks Karla, I 'm sorry about your Mom and Dad too.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 01:29 PM
 
137 posts, read 762,309 times
Reputation: 110
Moosketeer,

I feel what you're going through too, and my heart goes out to you. I lost my father on my birthday 13 days before Christmas year 2000.

And what Myfask says is so true "you will keep her alive in your heart with the wonderful memories you shared".

Everyone grieves differently, it's a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way to do it.....you may cry today or next month or never but it doesn't matter because you know what you're feeling inside. And I think what you're doing to honour her with the afternoon tea, and the lovely cakes plus planting one of her favourites in the garden is just perfect!

I still talk to my dad and I still miss him. He was such a great guy with an unbelievabe mind, so as they say, they may be gone but "never forgotten".

Lots of hugs, Momma4
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 02:28 PM
 
3,077 posts, read 4,989,904 times
Reputation: 5300
When my Dad died many years ago it was a surreal experience. I've since come to describe it as losing a cornerstone of my foundation. He was someone who was always, always there in my life. Once he was gone I felt unsteady (hence the foundation reference) as if though I needed to relearn how to be me.

My wife didn't understand what I was going through at the time and was routinely frustrated with my long stretches of silence and isolation. However I needed to work through the acute feeling of emotional vertigo. Once I started figuring things out I was able to slowly make my way back to a new normal life. I will tell you in the thirteen years that he's gone I've gotten used to him not being here but have never stopped missing him.

Three years ago my wife lost her father and I used my cornerstone logic in helping her navigate the ordeal. Fortunately I was all too aware of what she was going through and was able to give her the time and space necessary to adjust.

And so my advice to you is don't grieve or manage according to any preconceived notions or expectations held by you or others. Just keep working through the experience as things occur. And reach out to those who care and support you to let them know you're aware that they're there and you appreciate it.

I'm sorry for your loss and your grief. I wish you well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 03:04 PM
 
Location: Camano Island, WA
1,911 posts, read 8,099,001 times
Reputation: 1084
Mooseketeer,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom and Dad about a month apart from each other. It's been seven years and I would say it took me about three years for it to finally "hit" me.

I think it was the manner and circumstances that surrounded their deaths that I could not cope with at first. I still think about them often. I also experienced quite the roller coaster with depression and still do from time to time.

I think it is very nice that you and your partner will be having your own way of remembering and celebrating your Grandmother and all of the things you fancied about her.
She sounds like she was quite the character and those are the things you will always remember and hold close to your heart.

My thoughts of comfort go out to you....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 03:05 PM
 
1,080 posts, read 4,082,869 times
Reputation: 597
Being an only child, death of both parents, hit me hard, as now I was an orphan, I realized that I was truly alone, there is no one I can talk with to make decisions, no joy around the holidays, all so empty. I became a widow
at 40 and haven't remarried, only have my children and even then they are in other states.

I write alot, it helps, I am fairly close to the cemetery so I go, its not easy lossing anyone, over the years, I've lost most of my friends, classmates
but life goes on, and I have fond memories in my heart.

Mom would have been 88 June 2 and Dad would have been 83.....may they rest in peace.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-11-2007, 03:37 PM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,513,339 times
Reputation: 19858
Thank you to all of you for your kind words and thoughts and for sharing your experiences. It just seems so hard at the moment and the foundation allegory is perfect. I just felt as if one of the major "pillars" in my life has just slipped and the roof is about to fall on my head. I guess it is just something we will all have to go through at one point but it does seem so hard. I guess at the moment I just feel like staying in and pretending the world doesn't exist so it is really comforting to "speak" to you all via the forum. Thank You.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top