Divorce Support Group

Hello Joan... I am thinking my strength fails me when I talk to him because of how he treated me for so many years.

It is like I just freeze up. I can have all the strength in the world before I talk to him and know what I want to say to him. He proceeds to verbally assault me.

I get asked why I let him do that. I have no idea, I think to myself.

Then a few minutes later I am fine. The fairy tale was gone before I left him. All ties are severed with him. Just the tie of our children.

Just spoke with my son at 7. Have not talked to my daughter since the 15th. Moving out of my area. Did that. Frowned upon.

I have not been happier. It was a good choice, other than not being with the kids.

The kids will start school with him next week in a full state of brainwashing. Like I said before about hoping they will understand everything as they get older; hopefully that will be the case.

I know my health got so much better after I left. All of the stress he is generating in my life, as well as is his family, my migraines are back. No fun. I have had the one seizure.. not good.

I had both kids in therapy but he does not have them in anything. My daughter should be entering a program for children with Autism, but as far as I know, he is putting her into regular classes.

It will not be long before she 'explodes.'

I have not heard of womens wisdom. Is it a book? A program?

I am not alone in all of this.... Thank God for that. ))

Hi, Robyn,
I wonder, because your strength fails you when you talk to your husband, if you have not completely been able to let go of the "fairy tale" we walk into when we marry. Just wondering if the cord is not broken, emotionally, for you. I'm thinking it will be before your problems are solved!
Have you tried counseling with your daughter? There are places that operate on a pay-as-you-are-able basis if that might be useful to you. When I first went to counseling about my unhappy life I found a wonderful therapist at one of those places and I really miss her. I think she saved my life!
Is there any possibility you could move out of your area or state? I don't think a judge could tell you where you could live or not live.
Your comment about your husband turning your kids against you hit home for me. My kids are grown now, but I'm not completely sure they have totally figured out that I'm not the wicked witch their father tells them that I am. They are smarter than he is, so there is hope! I do hope you are able to remove your children from that atmosphere. I have read that that is the best for them, and I do believe that is true.
I understand about the stress affecting your health, too, and I believe that also. My doctor bills are about 10% of what they were when I was with my husband. What a relief! I am actually able to sleep at night fairly successfully now and when I do have an occasional bumpy night it's not a big deal.
I hope you can improve your situation some in the near future. Have you done any work with women's wisdom? Dr. Christiane Northrup is wonderful for that. She has been on PBS and I have some of her books. Today I received my perpetual calendar full of thoughts for the day.
Write soon and let me know how you are doing.
J.

Hi Joan...

My husband and his lawyers are bullies in the court. He IS just like a child trying to get his way. I am not afraid of him anymore, however, I really do not like to deal with him at all. I feel like I have strengthened, but then when I have to deal with him, it is as though the strength crawls away.

I cannot say what I am feeling. One time I did say what I felt about him and he was in complete shock over it all. I had never stood up to him in that manner.

My daughter has many issues. He and his family have brainwashed her. What would happen is the kids would go over to be with him on the weekends and when they would come home it would take me at least three days to get them back to normal. Then a couple of days later it would start all over again. Then I would start all over again with trying to get them back to normal.

So then it was time to go to court and I got physical custody of the kids. Joint legal. He was to get them every other weekend on the first month, then three weekends a month on the second, then it would start all over again. He never did the three weekends, said it was too much for him.

He is living at his sisters house with her husband and her husbands son, and his mother.

My daughter hated going over there, telling me of how badly they treat her all the time. My son always trying to stay neutral. Not wanting to hurt anyones feelings.

Many things happened with my daughter. Things that I cannot control. She went to stay with him and he would not give her back, I had to get the police to get her back.

His sister threatened me right in front of the police. Threatened to beat the sh*t out of me.

I am so done with their behavior. I went to the magistrate and put a warrant against her, and the magistrate asked me that since nothing was being done in my city, that she would find him in contempt of the court order. I did both things that night.

My daugther was refusing to come with me and threatened me. She told me that if I take her with me, my epilepsy would be threatened, and punched her fist to her opposite hand.

The next day she attacked me, and I had to restrain her. This was the third time she did that. This time I was not injured as I was the times before as I was able to hold her down.

The other two times I received a concussion.

My daughter is with he and his family now. They will not let me talk to her at all. They tell me she does not want to talk to me.

There is something called parental alienation syndrome and this is what is going on. It tells about the effects on the children as well as what type of people do this.

My husband is described to the T in this. It talks about people who have not been subpoena d to come to court but are always there... this would be his mother and sister and sometimes brother in law.

It is like living some kind of wicked fairy tale or something. He is turning the kids completely against me, and I can only hope that when they grow up, they will understand all that has happened.

I have epilepsy, rheumatoid arthritis, and migraine headaches, and my health is in decline, I think due to the stress of all of this.

I had a seizure on Aug 5. Cannot believe it wasn't sooner.


gone for now...

Hi, Robyn,
I was so sad to read your story, but please know that you are not alone. Many, many women--and some men--suffer from spousal abuse every day, incuding me. You have taken some important steps in freeing yourself--don't give up hope that you will live your own life, free from "his" influence. Your comment about his behavior and that of his family getting worse, rather than better, reminds me of the behavior of a very small child who is told he can't have what he wants. He cries and screams and maybe threatens to run away or hit you, but it's just the ranting of a child. Your husband and his family are testing you to see how much you can take. Don't let them see you give in or cry. Hold your head up high and do what you have to do for yourself and your children. Also, please recognize that he is threatening you with taking the children only to hurt you. He has to prove that he is a better parent in order to make that threat stick, as far as I know, so you would get to tell your side of the story. If you are afraid of him, get a court order to restrain him from contact with you or your children.

I wish I had the resources to help you through this and the resources to help you find a better lawyer. The one you have is, IMHO, not suited for you. Anyway, you can find lots of information on the web for how to handle domestic abuse, plus links to find attorneys. There are state and federal organisations with info for you as well. Please start looking around... it will help to strengthen your resolve and begin to understand what has happened to you.

I have been there and have learned a lot by reading web sites and books on the subject. Naturally, there is always more to learn! I have been separated for almost two years and we are finally getting close to a financial agreement for alimony. Sheesh. It's a good thing the bum left the state (along with his girlfriend) and our children are grown. I wish I had left him when the children were young, because they didn't learn what they should have about healthy relationships. I did the best I could, though, and have to live with that.

So good luck to you. Please write and let us know how you are doing.
J

Hello. My name is Robyn. Thought I would join in as I am nearing one year of separation. September 1st will make it.

My husband is a man who abused me emotionally, mentally and verbally. He continues to do so well after our separation, as well as do his family.

Not very nice. I was the one to leave. I told him how I was feeling last July. I had been getting up the nerve since last May or so. I didn't have all of the nerve when I told him, actually.

I was sitting in the back yard on a stump crying, talking to my sister about how I felt. She told me I had to tell him. I agreed, but I was afraid to try and tell him.

I walked in the back door, trying to hide my tears but he saw and asked what the matter was.

I said nothing. He told me to come and sit next to him, and tell him. I was afraid to sit just next to him. He was sitting in a chair at the far end of the living room, and we had a couch sitting just next to it, the chair being caddy cornered.

I sat on the far end of the couch, away from him. I started talking, telling him how I felt.

He was shocked. I had never stood up to him with any negative-type feelings in the past, and this was a great shock to him. One he did not see coming, and one I was not ready to put out. I did it anyway. It was a shock to me, as well.

I continued to cry as the words rolled out of my mouth, my heart. I was so scared, but it was the best release I had ever felt.

How can I change? How can I be different? What can I do to make it better? These are the questions he asked me on that day, among others.

My answer may sound mean to you, you reading. Maybe it won't. I do not know. I just know that as the words poured out, so did the extreme guilt, and hurt for him and what I was saying, what I was doing.

My tears were now not only for myself, but for him as well. With all the things he has said and done to me over the years, the hurt and pains that he caused me, I felt badly for him. I felt guilty over what I was doing.

The guilt stayed with me until I learned to love myself. One day when he was yelling at me over something I told him that never again would I cry a tear of guilt, hurt, or pain for him. Never. After that day, I did not. This is not to say that no more tears were shed, they were. Just not for him.

It is almost a year later after the day I left with our kids and tried to start a new life for us. Things have not been as simple as I thought they would be, but either way... it is a new life, a new journey.

He did not follow the rules of the court for medical and child support, and I was left with many expenses. I could not cover things that I was able to cover normally, and after a few months of that... I was ruined.

I had a lawyer only in the beginning. Only for a separation agreement. One that I was charged for, and one that he would not sign.

i thank the heavens that he didn't sign. I was giving him the world, just so that he would leave me be.

He will never leave me be. So, he has gotten a very expensive lawyer, and has had her from the beginning, and I was left with not having a lawyer because I could not afford the legal fees....

I do have a lawyer now, but he does not realize the way my husband and his family are. He has not experienced them the way I have. He has not heard the recordings of my son and his turmoil over being with him. The brainwashing.

The lawyer tells me that this is the strangest custody case he has ever worked. It has the most motions to amend and show causes of any case he has ever seen.

I don't know what to tell him. I do know that his prices are outrageous and he does not seem to be So very there for me.

I know that I want to file for divorce, but I do not think I can do it with a lawyer, at this point.

When we separated, my husband threatened me that if I asked for spousal support, he would take the kids.

If I ever had any medical issues that caused me not to be able to work, he would take the kids.

So many threats, all written and dated by him. Given to me. He asked for them back. Never.

I have now filed for spousal support all these many months later. I had no idea how much to ask for, and the intake clerk at the court could not help me with that.

So now, I walk along. I am not alone with my walk. My husband is a miserable person and strives to make me one as well.

I have grown a backbone. I have been standing up to he and his family, and they don't like it.

The more I stand up for myself, the more they fight me. The harder they try to make me miserable. Their words and actions harsher.

This is part of my story, thank you for reading... if you were able to get all the way through.

I used to go by a different name on CD. But know that I am me. I am Robyn.

Hope your day is great.

Hi. I'm Joan and wish to join in on the conversation. I have been separated for 21 months and doing mediation before we file for divorce (in NC.) It has been an awful time for me, especially since my dh revealed he has been cheating on me for years!

Can someone tell me how to DM someone? I'd like to give some info to MaryGallo that might be useful (hi, Mary!)
Thanks.
J

Hi Wyo..welcome to the group . My mom, aunt, two brothers and 3 cousins live there. They are poor so financially they cannot help me but they are there to listen to my problems.

Thank you for the well wishes .

After reading your post it seems that even though you did the leaving, you feel guilty. So I am guessing it is just as hard on the one that left the marriage as it is on the person that was left.

As far as dating, I am definitely not ready. I need to get settled somewhere, get a job, get some therapy when I have the money.

I still have issues with this separation even though its been 7 months since I was told by my soon to be ex that he was leaving me.

Even though I don't want him anymore either I still get mad when I see him and his girlfriend together. I don't know why I still care. I mean I don't love him no more so why the heck do I care that he is with someone?

We are trying to be friendly for the sake of the kids but there are days when he gets verbally abusive and breaks things on me and won't let me call the police or allow me to walk out the door when he starts to get physical.

There are days when I say to myself that I feel sorry for his girlfriend because she has not seen the really bad side of him.

It does get easier with time but the pain does come up from time to time when I see a photo of us together when we were a family.

Mary-
I hope you have family for support when you get to NY. Don't hestitate to ask for help, you will be amazed at what can happen if you just as for help. Good luck and best wishes.
Wyogal82

Hello-
I am joining as a newly divorced mother with a 16 yr old son at home. I have a 20 yr old son who is married and has given me a precious granddaughter. It took 4 years and several heartaches (on everyone's part) to have my divorce finalized. I still feel guilty some times since I am the one who left and moved on with my life. However, Life does get better and easier as time goes on. I am actually coming up on the 1st anniversary of the finalized divorce in Nov.
The hardest part was the financial stress placed on me when I moved out and tried to find out who I am and where I belonged in the world. Unfortunately jobs were very hard to come by where we were living so I have had to move to another state to find employment where I can support us. MY ex- has refused to pay his child support or for the insurance as required by the state. That has come back to buite hiim bigtime as now the state is taking his paycheck and sueing hiim for the insurance on my son.
My husband and I had been together since I was 14 yrs old (dated 9 yrs) and married 21 years ( I am now 43) so most of my life had been with him- I have never dated or been with anyone else and am terrified of any new relationships. Does that get easier?
I hope this gives me a chance to visit with others in the same position I am in. Thanks
wyogal82

Hi! Well, ok, um, I guess I will start.

My name is Mary and I am a 41 year old stay at home mom of 3 ages 12, 9 and 4 from NC.

My husband of 13 years told me in January that he didn't love me and wanted a divorce.

I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. I suggested we go to counseling, we went and thats when he dropped the bombshell on me. He said that he has been seeing someone for the past 6 months.

I didn't find out until this past May that the person he was seeing was a mutual friend of ours.

I was upset but relieved that he told me. I had no idea they were even an item.

When he introduced me to her and her girlfriend he told me she is a Lesbian and that her girlfriend is her "wife".

They were always hanging out together but I didn't worry because I thought she was a Lesbian and didn't think anything could happen between them.
I found out later that she is a bisexual.

My soon to be ex moved out in March and is paying the bills on the house.

The house is currently up for sale and I plan on moving back up to NY.