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Old 01-04-2011, 11:53 AM
5,617 posts, read 14,717,104 times
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My sister is blind, and then went on to need a kidney. This is very summarized but I dont want to do it and I feel terrible. The guilt eats me up. First off I am scared ****less of all the tests. I did not lead the cleanest life and have my own secret issues that I dont want coming out. I am not close to her, infact I really dont even like her. She knocked herself out of compliance due to being overweight for the list and cant get back on until she loses at least 40 lbs. She seems not too care. I have so many mixed feelings but overall I just cant do it. I see so many family member run and say, OOOHHH I will do it and wonder why I CANT and I hate myself for it but I just cant. I also hate doctors, hate tests and am so active that I dont want down time at all!! I know this sounds so god darn selfish but I just see food addicts. Her husband and child are both at least 100 lbs over weight. At my moms funeral they discussed pork chop marinades in the car!! I just see her destroying my kidney with her food addiction. She and her husband who is also diabetic type 2 and now the poor child all seem to have food addictions and take very little responsibility to control or get help. When we get together for Holidays its a total food fest and the three of them seem to only talk about food or eat enormous amounts of food.

Look Im not perfect, Ihave overcome a drug addiction. I have many issues too. Plus I smoke cigarettes and am hiding that from my Dad and her so I would have to quit!!! I also have kind of gone the opposite way with my complusions , I have been drug free for 14 years, but am an exercise addict. I lift weights and bodybuild and am a bit of a nut with it. I also have had this addiction take me to some unhealthy behaviors so I dont really want to be so judgemental . I mean I am just throwing out some feeling but I just cant do it. The bottom line is I dont want to donate a kidney and am very very guilty and some could say terribly selfish. I just am flat out scared of all the tests and time and down time and committment!! However since I look healthy physically I am considered a crappy human!! They dont realize that I am just as messed up in some ways.

Wish I was a better person.

Last edited by stevemorse; 01-04-2011 at 12:35 PM..
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Old 01-04-2011, 01:26 PM
Location: Greenwood Village, Colorado
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You want to live, she doesn't. That's how I view people who refuse to take care of themselves. I have a brother like that. Drinks from waking - bedtime, smokes, extremely hypertensive used to be very athletic and thin and now I heard he is up to 200 pounds ( he is only 5'7) with a round bloated face from alcohol. We don't talk anymore either because he only cares about himself unless he wants something.

I expect to get a call anyday that he will need a kidney ( if he doesn't stroke out or have a heart attack first). I won't give him one of mine. he just abuses his body and doesn't care. It's one thing if I knew he was doing everything to be healthy so I totally understand where you are coming from.

Don't feel guilty.
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Old 01-04-2011, 01:57 PM
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thank you for the reply. I know my post is a very loaded problem and I have no one to discuss my feeling with especially any family because I am the healthy selfish one!!! You see I hate to be judgemental because she really needs help, but Im too scared and feel nothing but pressure to be the one on the operating table!!

This is such a morally complex issue, because I am not perfect. Lets say I needed a lung transplant from smoking cigarettes.

I see this really not as a put down to my sister but my own insecurities and fears. Yes I wish she took better care of herself, I wish her kid who is 15 and 275 lbs and her husband who is 325 lbs!! They all need some help, but its not my place.

Its only my place to say I cant volunteer my kidney. This process would throw me over the edge.

Here is the sickest part, I almost want to look like I would do it, go for the tests and tell the doctors to find something wrong and tell them she is not a match for some bullcrap reason and get relief from the pressure ! Her husband, and child look at me like Im the most horrible person in the world. Its a terrible cross to bear.

Thanks cupcake your a saint for answering, you have alot of guts!!!! This is a hard post to most people. I do get the situation with your brother, lets pray it does not come to this.
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Old 01-04-2011, 02:44 PM
Location: Mostly in my head
19,857 posts, read 62,165,343 times
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There is also some risk to you in a donation. It doesn't happen all the time but I read in the news of a recent case where the healthy one died after the surgery. I think it was brothers if you want to google it. And what if you got a kidney disease yourself? You would need the one you gave up.

Most doctors won't test you and lie to the family. You would ahve to do that part. And I'm not sure a clerk or someone wouldn't let it slip. I would just tell your sis that you can't do it and that's that. I would nto donate any organ to anyone except my children or grandkids - no siblings for sure! We aren't close, either.

Stand strong!
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:15 PM
Location: Missouri
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I think that is completely understandable. I don't know that I would be willing to give up an organ for anyone. Maybe that makes us selfish, but if you are not moved to do it, then you aren't.
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:23 PM
5,617 posts, read 14,717,104 times
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thanks both of you , all of you who replied. Christina, thats just what I need to hear. Thanks again all, its been a tough day because my Dad puts me sometimes on the guilt trip alittle. He does not mean too but I cant help but feel guilty. It is his other child so I guess its hard for everyone. Funny the only one who does not seem too upset is the one who needs a kidney!!!! I have been sick over this and so has my dad and she the sister goes and gets herself knocked off the list after waiting 4 years and keep eating and gaining weight!!!!!!!!! How crazy is this??????????????
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:25 PM
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I am moving on now, I need to get this out of my head. It has wrecked a whole day for me and I now need to let it go. Thanks and it was good getting this out!!!!!!!!!!!!Marilyn
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Old 01-04-2011, 04:34 PM
Location: NJ
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Glad you were able to work it out for today.

I know your history with her; I wouldn't do it either. Don't let anyone make you feel bad.
How old are her kids or does she only have the one?
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Old 01-04-2011, 05:11 PM
Location: Greenwood Village, Colorado
2,185 posts, read 4,637,563 times
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Doctors know these patients usually can't lose the weight, therefore wil probably never qualify for a kidney. If you donate she doesn't have to be on the list, ergo not having to lose the weight.
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Old 01-04-2011, 05:51 PM
5,617 posts, read 14,717,104 times
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she has only one kid who is about 16 . THis kid is an eating machine too. A girl who weights 275 lbs. Sad.

As far as the list, I have heard thru a dialysis nurse that alot of patients are out of compliance and wont or cant stop eating.

Look weight loss is not an easy thing, I feel sympathy and compassion for this. No one is perfect. Its really not about HER. ITs about my fears and how I just cant go thru with all these tests. I dont want to know my problems and with all those donor tests and MY past, they will find something. This is my biggest fear plus all the down time.

I know she does not care but I do care and really dont want to slam her too bad. Its sad, she is dying and IN ONE SENSE I am no BETTER THAN HER, I am addicted to smoking, nicotine. I need help too!!! I dont want to slam her addiction too bad because I have my own.

The difference is I am seen as the heathy one, little do they know. Mentally I am a mess, and physically could have lung cancer. This is why I dont want any tests.

Im crazy too!!! However right now I am living and fine. So I guess its really time to look my addiction in the face and get rid of the cigarettes. I wish to God there was a cigarette rehab like there is for every thing else. I need jail or cigarette lock up for a week.
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