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I was hoping to visit an old friend from many years ago who now has dementia. We have not seen each other in probably 35 years or so but were high school sweethearts and on/off again for ten years after. We did not part on bad terms, we just sort of drifted off our own different ways. When I heard he had dementia and was in a home, I felt just awful as we are only in our early 60's.
A relative of his that I contacted does not feel that I should see my old friend. He never gave me a reason why, and I did not want to press the issue. The relative did say that my friend remembers me. I had always heard that visits were a good thing and I had experience with dementia with my own mother. I would have loved for anyone to visit her in the nursing home when she was there. Any thoughts as to why my visiting would be a bad idea? I certainly would not want to upset my friend but would love to see him.
Assuming your mother was married at the time, how would you have felt if an ex showed up to chat with her? If your father was living, how would he have felt? I think if you answer those questions, you will find your answer. Now if your ex isn't married, maybe the answers you give don't matter.
Assuming your mother was married at the time, how would you have felt if an ex showed up to chat with her? If your father was living, how would he have felt? I think if you answer those questions, you will find your answer. Now if your ex isn't married, maybe the answers you give don't matter.
Good grief!!! It was thirty-five years ago, and they went to high school together. If he presently has a wife, I would hope she would be mature enough not to spin off into some jealousy fandango because of a visit. It would be totally ridiculous. These people are all adults, not idiot adolescents.
Visit.
Often dementia patients remember 30 and 40 years ago better than yesterday.
Neither of you has anything to lose, and your visit could bring a great deal of joy.
my mom has dementia and she loves visitors from the past. Sometimes, right after, she seems melancholy eitehr because of memories, or maybe some sense that she is in a different place than old friends, but she then forgets about the visit so no harm no foul. She seems happy when they are there and that's what matters. And I agree with the good grief comment above!
Any thoughts as to why my visiting would be a bad idea? I certainly would not want to upset my friend but would love to see him.
This isn't about you. It's about this man and his family. Would you want your husband's former lover to show up unexpectedly while he is in a home dying out his days?
It was 35 years ago, and it's inappropriate for you to show up now.
People with dementia have forgotten their spouses and fallen in love with another patient. In fact, there was a well-known book written about one such couple (forget the title). Maybe he is afraid of something like that happening?
Well, there is no spouse in the picture. And I'd like to hope he's not exactly "dying out his days" in the home-sheesh, that's awful. I guess I don't see what's inappropriate about visiting a person you once cared alot about, shared a past with, and showing some compassion and maybe offering a little respite from his condition. Even if he had a wife there, I wasn't planning on jumping in the sack with him. I would also be checking with her first before I visited if she were around.
And if an ex of my mom's had shown up to visit? I don't know who would have been happier, her or me. Probably me, she may not have had a clue who she was talking to.
Aside from that, thank you KEVXU and others for your sane comments.
The ways that people with dementia can behave are sometimes embarrassing for the family. My dad has it and he does some embarrassing stuff. It doesn't bother me, but my sister can't stand to be with him in public. So maybe the relative is embarrassed or worries that the way your old sweetheart behaves now will tarnish your memories of him.
I say visit. You have no idea why they thought it wouldn't be a good idea? Maybe they just didn't want the inconvenience of hosting a visitor, and it was nothing more than that?
It'd be good for your friend. If you're sure it won't be too upsetting to see that they've declined a bit in memory and awareness, then I say try again to arrange a visit.
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