Appropriate Holiday Gift (daily basis, handicapped, nurse, ears)
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Hello--Here is the deal. My brother has MS and needs an aide to come to the home on a daily basis to get him up, bathe him, breakfast and lunch, and get him into his chair. Also, he needs her for practically everything else. She has been with him for almost 5 years now and she has become a member of the family. She gets paid 400 bucks a week for doing these chores. She also comes on weekends when she is needed.
He is married and his wife doesn't care for her to much. She thinks his aide is outspoken and cusses a lot and somewhat vulger. But, my brother loves this aide and she really does a lot for him and cares for him. His wife on the other hand copes and that's about it. She works full-time and there isn't much love there anymore.
My brother called me up and asked me how much he should give this aide for Christmas. I said an extra week's pay. He's got the bucks and he wants to give her 500 bucks. But his wife thinks that is way to much and actually got p.o'd with me for agreeing with him.
What do you think she should get???? All advice is appreciated!
I actually agree that one week's salary is entirely appropriate. Without this aide, your brother's life would be truly miserable. And if his wife isn't happy with her cursing and vulgarity, she should speak to her about it!
I think at least the one week's salary(since he can afford it) and if he wants to give more, he should. Since the wife does't want to help with much, she should be thanking her lucky stars that someone takes care of him so well. It is really difficult to find really good care.
I'll tell you, living in this situation is hard. Marriages usually don't survive. On one hand, she works while he's home, she probably feels helpless and resentful, after all, the man usually takes care of the woman.
Knowing a younger woman is taking care of my hubby while I'm at work, well that would be a hard pill to swallow; no matter how much I trusted my hubby.
With the money, where did it come from? Does your brother have a salary or income? How are they doing financially? Everyone else is hurting.
In these times, yes, I might agree with the wife that $500 is a lot of money, especially since I don't know the financials.
FWIW, both of them should have set up some rules when she started. If the caregiver is like this, perhaps it's time to make the wife's points valid and address them instead of making like she doesn't exist.
What would happen to your brother if she (wife) left?
Counseling also might be a good idea
Quote:
Originally Posted by jonjj
Hello--Here is the deal. My brother has MS and needs an aide to come to the home on a daily basis to get him up, bathe him, breakfast and lunch, and get him into his chair. Also, he needs her for practically everything else. She has been with him for almost 5 years now and she has become a member of the family. She gets paid 400 bucks a week for doing these chores. She also comes on weekends when she is needed.
He is married and his wife doesn't care for her to much. She thinks his aide is outspoken and cusses a lot and somewhat vulger. But, my brother loves this aide and she really does a lot for him and cares for him. His wife on the other hand copes and that's about it. She works full-time and there isn't much love there anymore.
My brother called me up and asked me how much he should give this aide for Christmas. I said an extra week's pay. He's got the bucks and he wants to give her 500 bucks. But his wife thinks that is way to much and actually got p.o'd with me for agreeing with him.
What do you think she should get???? All advice is appreciated!
I'll tell you, living in this situation is hard. Marriages usually don't survive. On one hand, she works while he's home, she probably feels helpless and resentful, after all, the man usually takes care of the woman.
Knowing a younger woman is taking care of my hubby while I'm at work, well that would be a hard pill to swallow; no matter how much I trusted my hubby.
With the money, where did it come from? Does your brother have a salary or income? How are they doing financially? Everyone else is hurting.
In these times, yes, I might agree with the wife that $500 is a lot of money, especially since I don't know the financials.
FWIW, both of them should have set up some rules when she started. If the caregiver is like this, perhaps it's time to make the wife's points valid and address them instead of making like she doesn't exist.
What would happen to your brother if she (wife) left?
Counseling also might be a good idea
He became stricken with MS while in the military, was declared 100% disabled and receives benefits that are fairly large. He also inherited a nice sum of money from my family. So, they are both set financially. Their home is paid off and have no bills. The gal taking care of him is younger but not by much. Also, she is married with three children and a whole set of issues. Plus, I know my brother well enough to know there is no hanky-panky going on. If my brother's wife left, he would probably go into the Vets Hospital at that point unless either my sister or I would sell our homes and buy a one-story with handicapped access.
His wife has had counseling. It is not easy on her for sure. She is younger than my brother and I think she hoped to one day have a child which isn't going to happen. But, she knew of his illness when she married him and accepted all that went with it. $500.00 isn't a lot for them. But, I am not exactly sure of her reasons why she doesn't want to give her that big of a check. She never did. When my father was alive, he made sure that my brother's aide was covered for the holidays. But, my father died last December and that is why it has become an issue in their home.
He became stricken with MS while in the military, was declared 100% disabled and receives benefits that are fairly large. He also inherited a nice sum of money from my family. So, they are both set financially. Their home is paid off and have no bills. The gal taking care of him is younger but not by much. Also, she is married with three children and a whole set of issues. Plus, I know my brother well enough to know there is no hanky-panky going on. If my brother's wife left, he would probably go into the Vets Hospital at that point unless either my sister or I would sell our homes and buy a one-story with handicapped access.
His wife has had counseling. It is not easy on her for sure. She is younger than my brother and I think she hoped to one day have a child which isn't going to happen. But, she knew of his illness when she married him and accepted all that went with it. $500.00 isn't a lot for them. But, I am not exactly sure of her reasons why she doesn't want to give her that big of a check. She never did. When my father was alive, he made sure that my brother's aide was covered for the holidays. But, my father died last December and that is why it has become an issue in their home.
I understand.
I'm disabled as well. When my hubby married me, he knew what he was getting into as well; but it doesn't change the fact that it's hard to deal with. Knowing what to expect and actually living it are 2 different things.
I worry he's going to leave me for someone more able to do things, and you never know, your brother may feel the same way. His wife may feel like that as well, wondering if the nurse would leave her hubby so that she'd never have to work again.
If they can get counseling, it may be a good idea because it sounds like something is going on with her that she may need to talk to someone.
You are 100% correct about the counseling. I have a friend who is a phychologist working primarily with women's issues. I invited her over to my brother's home for dinner hoping that something miraculous would happen. But it didn't. My brother's wife is a born-again Christian, originally Catholic and she dismisses counseling. There are a lot of feelings there for sure.
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