Really need help!! (sleeping, woman, ears, break)

[ninastaggs]

I am very upset and confused by what happened last night in my family. I do not know what I should do and who I should ask for help. So I came here. Hope someone can help me.
Here is a little background info: I have been married for about 2 and half years. It is my first marriage. My husband has a 10 –year and 3- month old daughter who stays with us 3-4 days a week and stays with her mother (has married to another man) rest of the week.
My problem is if it is right that my husband sleeps with her daughter.
Last night, there was big storm here in FL. Lightning, thunders and huge rain woke me up. I was sleeping on a coach. Sometimes I sleep on the coach in the living room because my husband snores and we only have 2 bedrooms. Then I went to bed in dark and put pillow on bed. I guess I woke up my husband because I heard he called me. I answered and ready to get on the bed. Then I heard my step-daughter’s voice. I was totally shocked and did not know what to say. In a lightning, I saw my husband holding his daughter in the bed. His daughter said she was scared and my husband said: ‘Come here, sleep with us.’ I could not do that, so I went back to coach.
Actually, the same thing happened right after we got married. Sometimes at midnight his daughter said she had bad dream and wanted to sleep with her daddy. At that time I expressed my concerns. My husband likes sleeping naked, so do I after I married to him.
I really want to know if it is normal and happens a lot. If it is, it should be my problem. Now I feel terrible every time my husband touches me. I do not want to talk to him and I do know how long it will last. If it is not, what should I do?
Thanks a lot in advance for any help.

[crazyma]

IMO first off tell him point blank to start wearing pajamas to bed when the children are there, to avoid any immediate sense of wrongdoing. Just tell him you are uncomfortable and feel you BOTH need to be more modest around the children.
Personally I don't think it is horribly wrong if a child gets scared, every now and then, and wants to snuggle in with the parent(s). Has this only happened twice, or all the time???
I am not certain if you are reading more into it, or if there is something else about their relationship that is bothering you...

[DonnaReed]

A kid running to parents in a storm or because of bad dreams is one thing.

A father sleeping "naked" with his ten year-old daughter is something else.

I wouldn't want any parts of that mess.

I'd talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. I'd definitely want to know his view on how/why he considers sleeping naked with his ten year-old daughter appropriate.

But after all is said and done, that would be absolutely unacceptable to me and need to stop immediately.

For whatever reason he finds it acceptable, desireable or whatever, it reeks of trouble with a capital "T".

He sleeps naked, you sleep naked, sometimes the ten year-old is in the bed with him naked alone while you (his wife and his daughters' stepmother) is sleeping out on the couch...then he invites you to sleep in the bed with both of them. Are they both naked?? Are you still naked too??

Wonder what the mother would have to say. Wonder if she knew if she would file to stop his visitation or file some type of molestation charges against him? Wonder if she'd blame you too and say something happened even if nothing did. Hell, I'm wondering if something has happened? And why he and his kids' mother got a divorce in the first place?

Not trying to make you feel worse, but these are the thoughts/questions that come to mind.

This sounds like something that may be or could easily become a big mess and a world of trouble and I would not want to be involved.

At the very least, it needs to stop immediately.

[clevedark]

Hm. Maybe the divorce has something to do with it.

And also some people get into weird sleep patterns with their kids. It happens over a period of time. And people have different physical boundaries.

But, yeah, all the nakedness.... Did you ever read "The Good Mother" by Sue Miller???? Well, don't, actually read it because it will send you running to a shrink for some meds, but at the very least both of you should put on jammies those 3 or 4 nights of the week that daughter is living with you.

[ninastaggs]

Originally Posted by crazyma

IMO first off tell him point blank to start wearing pajamas to bed when the children are there, to avoid any immediate sense of wrongdoing. Just tell him you are uncomfortable and feel you BOTH need to be more modest around the children.
Personally I don't think it is horribly wrong if a child gets scared, every now and then, and wants to snuggle in with the parent(s). Has this only happened twice, or all the time???
I am not certain if you are reading more into it, or if there is something else about their relationship that is bothering you...

Thank you, Crazyma, I feel better today. It has hapened twice so far. After first time, when the girl went to our bedroom and wanted to sleep with her daddy, I went to sleep with her in her bedroom. I was wearing pajamas. But next morning, she said she did not why I slept with her. That hurt me a little bit. But she stopped. Last night was second time as I know.

I

[ninastaggs]

To Clevedark:
I think I am going to read the book. Thanks you for the suggestion.

[Laura707]

That is a mess waiting to happen! All it takes is her to tell one of her friends that she sleeps with her naked Dad and all he** will break loose and it will haunt him the rest of his life! (Once accusations are made, even false ones, they will follow him the rest of his life and people will always question if there was anything going on)

Just a little common sense is called for here.. Just a little! Wear PJ's when the kids are there! He should also take her back to her room, put her back in bed and sit with her until she falls back to sleep! Better be safe than sorry!

[foma]

Initially, I was going to say, "It's no big deal. Kids get scared. I can see how the daughter would want to sleep with her parent." Then I saw that he likes to sleep naked. Uhhhhhh, you need to talk about this with him!! It could be totally "innocent" but nonetheless inappropriate if he is naked in the bed while she's there. You need to definitely have a talk with him and let him know how unbelievably uncomfortable that makes you feel. HE NEEDS TO BE CLOTHED!!! I don't have any kids but I think it's ok to let the kids sleep with parents every once in a while when there's a good "reason" for it. Storms would be one of them. I get scared, too. There is NO GOOD REASON, however, to be doin' it in the buff!

[LaoTzuMindFu]

Originally Posted by ninastaggs

I have been married for about 2 and half years. It is my first marriage. My husband has a 10 –year and 3- month old daughter ........".

Is this a typo? You've been married for 2.5 years and your husband has a 3 month old daughter by another woman? And you are still married to him?

Anyway, he needs to start sleeping in pajamas if there are children around.

[ninastaggs]

Originally Posted by DonnaReed

A kid running to parents in a storm or because of bad dreams is one thing.

A father sleeping "naked" with his ten year-old daughter is something else.

I wouldn't want any parts of that mess.

I'd talk to him about it in a non-accusatory way. I'd definitely want to know his view on how/why he considers sleeping naked with his ten year-old daughter appropriate.

But after all is said and done, that would be absolutely unacceptable to me and need to stop immediately.

For whatever reason he finds it acceptable, desireable or whatever, it reeks of trouble with a capital "T".

He sleeps naked, you sleep naked, sometimes the ten year-old is in the bed with him naked alone while you (his wife and his daughters' stepmother) is sleeping out on the couch...then he invites you to sleep in the bed with both of them. Are they both naked?? Are you still naked too??

Wonder what the mother would have to say. Wonder if she knew if she would file to stop his visitation or file some type of molestation charges against him? Wonder if she'd blame you too and say something happened even if nothing did. Hell, I'm wondering if something has happened? And why he and his kids' mother got a divorce in the first place?

Not trying to make you feel worse, but these are the thoughts/questions that come to mind.

This sounds like something that may be or could easily become a big mess and a world of trouble and I would not want to be involved.

At the very least, it needs to stop immediately.

First, thank you a lot. Many things you mentioned were definitely not in my mind.
I was naked. I asked my husband in a short conversation about it. He said he was. I am not sure about his daughter. I do not want to make the thing big fight. Now both of us kinda ignore talking more about it. Generally, I am getting along well with my step-daughter. I am still not sure the reason of my husband divoice. But one thinkg for sure, I do not want to be involved in any trouble.