Safety in reporting the news (home, tornado, dangerous)

[harry chickpea]

After suffering through hours of condescending safety idiocy from news anchors and weatherpeople on television, telling us to run inside if we hear thunder, go to our safe room, and not light our farts, perhaps it is time for us to turn the tables. Please add your warnings for tv news anchors, so that they may be safe in doing their jobs. I'll start things off.


Do not stand out in a windstorm explaining to us how windy it is. You can get blown over.

When you hear thunder - STOP your on-site weather reporting and seek shelter immediately. Don't you know you could be hit by lightning??? Don't you listen to yourselves?

Do not stand in flood and sewage water to show that there is flood water. Piranhas may nibble your genitals.

Do not hold a corded microphone in your hand while working outside unless you are wearing linesman's boots. You could get electrocuted.

Do not reach around back to turn on your mic. It looks like you are picking at your butt.

Do not let someone else reach around back to turn on your mic. It looks like you need to get a room.

Do not stand in the street and look at the camera. You can get run over.

Do not let the cameraman pull focus on your belt buckle. He's messing with you.


When reporting on a tornado and a survivor comes up with two black eyes and a broken arm, and relates how his home was torn to shreds, his wife, dog, and kid killed, and he says "G*d was protecting me" PLEASE don't air it. He is in shock and it just makes everyone look stupid.

When reporting on car wrecks and one vehicle is crushed beyond recognition, please - just once - say that the driver died even though he was wearing his seat belt.

If you do a story on a person who died from terminal constipation, do not be tempted to do a follow-up story on the safety of regular bowel movements.

When walking from the green screen to the anchor chairs, do not trip on the cables and grasp the set firmly before stepping up off the floor. Walking, talking, and fiddling with equipment sounds stupid on-air and is dangerous.

Do not wear your necktie too tight. It cuts off circulation to the brain, makes your face red, and makes your eyes bulge out.

Do not wear any necklace weighing more than four pounds. You will get dowager's hump.

Do not stick a lavalier between your breasts in a tight dress and breathe deeply. It is disturbing and sounds like you may have an alien hidden in there, frightening the children and exciting the teenage boys.

[djmaxwell]

Feel better?

[rock90]

Well, at least the post made me look up "lavalier" (lapel microphone).

[harry chickpea]

Originally Posted by djmaxwell

Feel better?

Nah. Kinda feel like the guy on the left. Got a response in, but still covered with condescending safety slime.

[Gunluvver2]

Originally Posted by harry chickpea

After suffering through hours of condescending safety idiocy from news anchors and weatherpeople on television, telling us to run inside if we hear thunder, go to our safe room, and not light our farts, perhaps it is time for us to turn the tables. Please add your warnings for tv news anchors, so that they may be safe in doing their jobs. I'll start things off.


Do not stand out in a windstorm explaining to us how windy it is. You can get blown over.

When you hear thunder - STOP your on-site weather reporting and seek shelter immediately. Don't you know you could be hit by lightning??? Don't you listen to yourselves?

Do not stand in flood and sewage water to show that there is flood water. Piranhas may nibble your genitals.

Do not hold a corded microphone in your hand while working outside unless you are wearing linesman's boots. You could get electrocuted.

Do not reach around back to turn on your mic. It looks like you are picking at your butt.

Do not let someone else reach around back to turn on your mic. It looks like you need to get a room.

Do not stand in the street and look at the camera. You can get run over.

Do not let the cameraman pull focus on your belt buckle. He's messing with you.


When reporting on a tornado and a survivor comes up with two black eyes and a broken arm, and relates how his home was torn to shreds, his wife, dog, and kid killed, and he says "G*d was protecting me" PLEASE don't air it. He is in shock and it just makes everyone look stupid.

When reporting on car wrecks and one vehicle is crushed beyond recognition, please - just once - say that the driver died even though he was wearing his seat belt.

If you do a story on a person who died from terminal constipation, do not be tempted to do a follow-up story on the safety of regular bowel movements.

When walking from the green screen to the anchor chairs, do not trip on the cables and grasp the set firmly before stepping up off the floor. Walking, talking, and fiddling with equipment sounds stupid on-air and is dangerous.

Do not wear your necktie too tight. It cuts off circulation to the brain, makes your face red, and makes your eyes bulge out.

Do not wear any necklace weighing more than four pounds. You will get dowager's hump.

Do not stick a lavalier between your breasts in a tight dress and breathe deeply. It is disturbing and sounds like you may have an alien hidden in there, frightening the children and exciting the teenage boys.

Thank you for getting my day started with a laugh.