Isolated in Madison (school, living, stores)

[From Mars]

I really need honest, nondefensive responses. I have tried asking people about the problem, but they really don't address it when they answer me. Ok, we moved to the Madison area, three years ago. I tried joining the NewcomersClub and a church. Reactions to me were basically the same in both places. People did not want to even talk to me. For the most part I was ignored. Many people were so rude that they didn't even respond to me saying "hello" to them. When I tried to start up a conversation, they would answer me in as few words as possible; did not wantto know anything about me, and on several occassions, they walked away from me while I was in the middle of a senence. Oh yeah, they avoid sitting by me or making eye contact with me when I tried get them into a conversation.

I have come to the conclusion that whatever it is that they see when they look at me results in the shunning behavior. Needless to say, it has been a very lonely experience living here.

Now probably when I tell you what they see when they look at me, most of you are going to avoid anwseing me. Well, here it goes: First, they see my olive complexion. My husband thinks I get this reaction because they think I am Hispanic. The next thing they see is my facial defect. Please don't tell me that it is something I am saying, the majority of this shunning behavior occurs immediately before I get a chance to open my mouth.

I hope I get some honest feedback. Can't seem to get anyone to respon to me in the flesh.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by From Mars

The next thing they see is my facial defect.

We don't know what you look like. If your defect is stunning then maybe people just aren't used to something like that. How do people that you see regularly (postman, co-workers, etc) treat you once they are used to you?

Do you think this is a Madison thing or a "From Mars" thing?

If the former, I'd bet you are wrong.

If the latter, then perhaps it would be beneficial to see a therapist.

[HB2HSV]

OK, I'll take a stab at this... Are you saying that you have a facial deformity, this combines with your olive skin, and you think people are uncomfortable to talk to you as a result?

Personally I don't think you have a problem. I think it is those in that church you go to have a problem.

My solution is simple: Try a different church.

I would not stick around in a same church (or any religious/ social organizations) if they ignore me for 1 month, let alone 3 years !! They're suppose to be Christians for Christ's sake (pun intended ). A bunch of hypocrites is what they are. A lack of social interaction is damaging to one's health, you have every right to do something about this situation. I've known women who turned to lesbianism for far less reasons than yours (not that I had anything to do with it personally). Don't let those people get in the way of your happiness.

As for reason of skin color (looks like Hispanic), I doubt that's the case. Madison is, in general, populated with very well educated people and with people from different parts of country to all over the world with many skin colors. If you think skin color determines how you should be treated, wait till you see all the bubbas with bronze tan and missing teeth!

[Southlander]

I agree with HB...try a different church. Try a couple of different churches. Smaller churches, perhaps. And join a Sunday school. The smaller the group, the more likely you will make a personal connection.

You will have to continue to reach out...by volunteering to help with various things. Something where they need people and can't afford to turn you down. Usually, the more people get to know you, the more they're willing to talk to you.

Certainly, therapy could help. You may be doing something that pushes people away, but be unaware of the problem.

Good luck to you!

[Charles]

Originally Posted by HB2HSV

I've known women who turned to lesbianism for far less reasons than yours

Maybe one of the reasons they "turned" to lesbianism was because they were lesbians.

[DvlsAdvc8]

Nobody really cares about your complexion in a racial sense. I've been here less than a year and I already know several hispanics and each one is well accepted; plenty of friends etc.

IMO, the most common reason anyone is avoided is their own personality. I know that I'm standoff-ish and argumentative - so I make an effort to avoid such in person. If people don't introduce themselves to me (for whatever reason), I introduce myself to them... I get involved.

A facial deformity might make things harder, but really the people you meet are probably just as cautious/conscious about it as you are (my sister has a problem with her left eye - and is extremely self-conscious of it; it makes others feel awkward and so they avoid looking her in the eyes and such). I know it takes me a little while to get comfortable with such things even though I know its nothing. This may mean you need to be more forward - more active in meeting people.

Bright, enthusiastic attitudes shine through any exterior and naturally draw people in. In the end, people get used to what you look like and it doesn't matter anymore. My sister even tries to talk about her eye as soon as possible because she's found that once people know, and find out she's comfortable with it, they also become comfortable with it and all is well. She found out people would avoid looking at her in an attempt to avoid making her feel self-conscious... or give her the feeling they are staring or something.

In short, I'd say the best thing you can do is be pro-active and engage people. It make take longer than most, but they'll eventually accept you. It's no different here than anywhere else.

[From Mars]

First I would like to thank all those that responded. Besides church, I also mentioned that I was shunned big time in the Newcomer's Club. I went for over a year trying to get people to like me. I got tried of sitting alone and being avoided, Actually, even when I would go just before the meeting started and more women would be sitting down then I would sit near someone. They would get up and move to another location. (If you are thinking that maybe I have BO, well I took a shower before I left the house).

This treatment that I am getting reminds me of when I was in Junior High: Some female students would tease me unmerciful and make horrible comments about my face. The girls displayed much of the same behaviors as these adults except that these adults don't call me horrible names -at least not in my presence.

I have tried a couple of churches and the people including a pastor and his wife were more rude than the one I am going to now.

There was a comment by one of you that I may be doing something that I am not aware of: Most of the time I don't get to do anything, people just avoid me. When I approach them to introduce myself, I have had many of them not answer me and look the other way until they realized that I wasn't leaving until they responded.

[HB2HSV]

Originally Posted by From Mars

I have tried a couple of churches and the people including a pastor and his wife were more rude than the one I am going to now. .

As a suggestion, perhaps you can email to next church/ groups that you plan to visit, bring up your concerns and ask if they'll have an issue with you wanting to join their group? If they email back, it'll be pretty much along the line of no issues we're happy to have you, etc., etc., ... but you can read between the line of responses and see which one "really" welcome you.

I know it can be difficult dealing with all these rejections, but the alternative is not an answer. Keep reaching out. Pretty soon people will see your personality and get beyond the appearance.

God Bless !

[Jai27]

Originally Posted by DvlsAdvc8

Nobody really cares about your complexion in a racial sense.

I disagree with this in regards to some people in this community. I have been stared at in some stores during the day here, and I have been completely ignored in some when I ask for help. I am African American, but I am much lighter than an olive complexion, and I have often had people ask me what my ethnicity is.

I agree that this area is not always the most hospitable. I am not sure what the issue is, but I hesitate to blame it on race. It could be a number of things. It could be your accent--I have had people react to mine, because clearly I am not from around here. Who knows? I try to just put it out of my mind.

However, you have to continue to look around and attend different things (churches, events, etc.) until you find a group that you feel comfortable with. I went through this same issue, and it can be discouraging. I moved here in 2003, and I have only started feeling comfortable in the past 12 months. Just try and stay positive.

[HB2HSV]

Originally Posted by Jai27

you have to continue to look around and attend different things (churches, events, etc.) until you find a group that you feel comfortable with. I went through this same issue, and it can be discouraging. I moved here in 2003, and I have only started feeling comfortable in the past 12 months. Just try and stay positive.

Amen !