Conforming in Southern Illinois (Chicago, Carbondale: environment, showing, job)

[Casey773]

I am moving from Chicago down to the southern 'Little Egypt' part of the state for a new job. I have visited several times and know that the culture/attitudes are different in rural Illinois than that of the city of Chicago. I am an openly gay man in a relationship, an atheist, I value personal freedom. I also value stating my own beliefs which are quite liberal, gay-marriage-friendly, I also believe in a strong separation of church/state. I know that such stances are not so common in rural Illinois. We as a gay couple live openly and freely and refuse to 'go back to a closet' because of the move.

A friend of mine in Southern IL once told me: "When in Rome do as the Romans do." To me, this sounds like they really don't accept 'different' meaning that they are used to a conformist environment. To add to this, my partner and I often hold hands in public while in Chicago and we will maintain this same personal right when in Southern IL. GRANTED, people will stare and we will have to be aware of rocks being thrown at us but I do NOT feel that we 'owe' any accomodation to homophobes. We breath the same air as everyone else and expect rights like anyone else. I/we believe that personal freedoms as an AMERICAN trumps a common/conformist attitude that is unfortunately common in a rural towns.

Can someone from this area enlighten me? I will add too that we are very friendly, meaning we have no problem saying 'good morning' or offering coffee and snacks to visitors. We wear a smile as much as we can! We are honest people. We just have our own beliefs and way of life and are very strict about maintaining our personal freedoms. Our personal freedom doesn't change anyone else's life. Will my partner and I be burned at the stake or does southern IL have enough of a live and let live mindset for us to get by?

[Scribbler]

I agree that you don't "owe" it to anybody to change your behavior or adapt your lifestyle.

That said, it's good to be conscious of what you're walking into, so you walk in with your eyes open...nobody's likely to change THEIR behavior, their culture, their lifestyle, either.

Some people will judge you harshly, and some will accept you, same as anywhere, most likely.

[karlsch]

If in real life you are the way you seem to be in your post (I doubt it), then there is a good chance you will have difficulty in Southern Illinois.

Not because of your homosexuality. but because of your condescending, disrespectful and confrontational attitude.

[Out of Alaska]

OK - specifically where are you going? If you're going to Carbondale, fine. If you're going to Herrick, not fine.

If you want to mesh into the community, be invited for dinner, make friends and enjoy 'rome'... then open your mind a little.

I've never met a gay athiest who comes off as close-minded and unaccepting as others as you do in your post.

Please prove us wrong! Tell us you want to get along with your new home well enough to take it one-step-at-a time down there! Tell us what you hope you will find!!!!

[Casey773]

PLEASE tell me what is condisending and closed minded?? What did I sound like I am disrespecting? I said that I was maintaining my personal rights. I did not say that I was going to make other people hold my hand.

Does holding an opinion that isn't common for the town make me confrontational? Does my RIGHT to my own way of life make me closed minded? How many people in southern IL freely express their viewpoints----MOST! In fact, I have never heard callling someone 'pro-abortion' because they are pro-choice. I thought privacy was important to some people----maybe not. I didn't say either that I was 'picking a fight' over politics or otherwise. I just said that I reserve the right to be direct if not blunt. Is that a problem?

I BEG that someone explains this to me. I lived an open and free life in Chicago and had many friends. I have never heard that I was 'closed minded.'

[Tree415]

I don't see where you are confrontational for simply reserving your individual rights. I can however, see how someone can take it that way since your post can be taken as 'I am bringing my city to your small town.' I have lived around the US myself. Generally speaking, you must be very firm and therefore blunt about your personal rights in large urban areas such as Chicago otherwise people will run right over the top of you. In a small town environment, it is much different. Most people know each other and there is a general flow on how people act. In a city, you have millions of people going millions of different directions.

I will say, that yes you DO have the right to hold your partners hand, even in a small town as well as the right consider your liberal views as ligitimate just like most people in a rural area will hold their conservative views as ligitimate. That said, most smaller towns are not used to people standing firm against what they are used to and asserting their own rights that are not 'normal' to them.

The 'condecending' remark was probably because you seemed to inply that whatever town you are moving to was backward/hick because it is a small town in southern IL. It can be of course taken as 'condecending' but as someone who has lived in small towns and large cities it is fair to say that smaller towns are conservative and not used to what you called 'different,' generally speaking.

You asked a very valid question and that is what this website is all about. These responses are showing you the attitudes that you need to see. In this society, being gay and atheist, especially both can be a challenge so being firm about who you are and what you believe, or don't believe for that matter shows a survival trait that you have learned somewhere.

GOOD LUCK!

[Paxtonian]

You're going to have to play the whole thing by ear. I would think walking into one of the local bars on a Saturday night WHILE holding hands with your lover might set things off a bit. Probably the locals will know you are gay without you saying a word. The women won't have a problem with it, the men might. Most towns Downstate have a few token gays in traditional gay professions- hair dressing and florists. The locals expect that the best people in those professions are gay and won't make a big deal out of it. IF you're a school teacher, that might be a whole different matter. Just be friendly, and expect to be the main matter of town gossip for quite some time.

[Tree415]

I think that Paxtonian has a good response and I will add to it. You DO have a right to hold your partners hand even in a local bar which will have some redneck types. Be aware that excercising your right may get your car windows knocked out our yourself smacked in the head.

The choice is yours and your alone to make. Don't let anyone guilt you into NOT holding hands. Just be aware that mentalities are not always what they are in chicago!

Many people in southern IL as well as other places too, will ask you not to cuss whereas in Chicago you wouldn't hear that. It is the same thing as holding hands because it goes against an implied way of life. It is like telling a gay couple not to 'flaunt' when they hold hands yet it is a straight person holding their spouses hand when they tell you this. Hypocritical? You have to make the choice. People are sometimes intimidated of others who assert themselves.

Personal freedom vs. personal safety. It is for you to balance. Don't let others do it for you.

[Juice13610]

I live in southern Illinois, and for the most part, even in Carbondale, you had better keep your eyes open if you are holding hands with another man. I've lived here all my life and it is not an acceptable lifestyle to most people here. This isn't a prejudice remark of my own, just telling you how it will be here because you asked

[Scribbler]

I didn't take your post as condescending.

But I will echo something somebody else posted not too long ago elsewhere on these forums: You will feel most welcomed in a new place if you meet people where they are rather than demanding/expecting their adaptation to meet you where you're at.