Not fitting in--sure hope someone can help me (Waterloo, Iowa City: fit in, best town)

[Anita7894]

Hello all. I moved here from another state a few months ago and started a clerical job in a big office in Waterloo a couple of months ago. I am a middle aged lady and have never had a problem making friends on the job, but on this job, my new co-workers are just not talking to me that much. I'm kind of quiet and reserved but have been trying to talk to people, smile often but nothing is working and I am really getting upset. Thinking this is just not the job for me. Do you think I should give it more time or try to find something else? I really don't want to quit as I really like what I'm doing, but I feel so lonely and am starting to get really depressed. I should say that I have made a couple of "friends" there and they are great people, but I just feel so left out most of the time. Thanks in advance for replies.

[Harpoon]

They may be intimidated by you, especially if you are good looking. They may be afraid that all the guys in the office will start talking to you instead of them. Maybe stick around until someone else starts at the job, then you'll have someone else to befriend.

[SharpHawkeye]

Buy a big box of donuts and pass them around while you make chit-chat with people in your department. The way to people's hearts is so often through their stomachs.

[WILWRadio]

It sounds like you fit in just fine. You have not been fired from your job which means you must be doing something right. :-) The work place is for work and socializing should not be a top priority unless it is part of your job requirement.

Bear in mind different regions of the country have different cultures from one another. People take their time to warm up to newcomers in many areas. I'm from New England and that is just the case in most parts of New England. Eventually, after they get accustomed to someone's presence, they usually warm up to them.

[Persimmony]

You say you are reserved - well a lot of people in Iowa are very reserved so it will take awhile to get warmed up. Give it some time and don't let yourself get down over it. I've moved two different times, it took me 6 months each time to find a good friend I was comfortable around, maybe you are the same way. Really though, do not let this get you down... not worth it.

I lived in the Waterloo area until recently, maybe you should get involved with stuff outside work. Would you like going to a church and making friends there?

[Anita7894]

Originally Posted by Harpoon

They may be intimidated by you, especially if you are good looking...

Doubtful, LOL! Actually, I am okay looking, especially for my age. I am trim and like to wear stylish outfits. And I have a really youthful, pleasant personality, once people give me a chance.

Originally Posted by SharpHawkeye

Buy a big box of donuts and pass them around while you make chit-chat with people in your department. The way to people's hearts is so often through their stomachs.

EXCELLENT idea. Even though I generally hate to cook or bake, I'll make an exception in this case. They LOVE to eat at this company.

Originally Posted by WILWRadio

It sounds like you fit in just fine. You have not been fired from your job which means you must be doing something right. :-) The work place is for work and socializing should not be a top priority unless it is part of your job requirement.

Bear in mind different regions of the country have different cultures from one another. People take their time to warm up to newcomers in many areas. I'm from New England and that is just the case in most parts of New England. Eventually, after they get accustomed to someone's presence, they usually warm up to them.

Well, my supervisor does seem to be very happy with my progress so far. You are exactly right, socializing is not my top priority, and I do try to tell myself that when I'm particularly upset, but I am going to need to make some more contacts. Very interesting about New Englanders. This is the first time I have moved out of state, so I guess I do need to keep all that in mind and give it more time. But, just comparing this to other places I moved to in my home state of Indiana, making friends here at work is going WAY WAY slower.

Originally Posted by Persimmony

You say you are reserved - well a lot of people in Iowa are very reserved so it will take awhile to get warmed up. Give it some time and don't let yourself get down over it. I've moved two different times, it took me 6 months each time to find a good friend I was comfortable around, maybe you are the same way. Really though, do not let this get you down... not worth it.

I lived in the Waterloo area until recently, maybe you should get involved with stuff outside work. Would you like going to a church and making friends there?

Hi, Persimmony, interesting about Iowans being reserved. I do remember reading that in this forum last fall when my boyfriend and I were trying to decide whether to come here or not. When I get some time, I need to reread some of those posts for other good advice. And yes, I def want to start going to a church, as I know that is one great way to meet people. Just need to make it a priority. Thanks for the suggestion.

Also, just want to say to all that my bf and I really like the Cedar Valley so far. The people on the hiking/biking trails are always very friendly and it's really pretty here. This area has pretty much everything we need and we hope to stay here for a while.

[gypsy77]

I am also living in Iowa now, moved here 3 months ago. It's not my first time living here, but I am from another state also. If people are treating you weird, it's because they think you're an "outsider." And if you are from California, it will be even worse. Trust me, I know. I am dealing with it right now. I have a new job in an office, and I keep hearing comments about how I must be bored here or how I'll hate the weather, or how I probably want to go back to the city, bla bla bla. None of that is true. Yes, I'm from California, but I don't think I'm that much different than anyone else. So it's not necessary to treat me differently. It will take time for people to "accept" you. But once they do, you will probably make lifelong friends out of them. And if they still act weird after a few months, just tell them to get over themselves and quit being so territorial. We're all different and from different places, it's no big deal. And everyone is free to move where they want. I didn't see a padlock on the Iowa border when I entered the state. Although some people around here have been acting like I shouldn't be here. Because "all these Californians are moving to the midwest and trying to take over..." Gee, I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard that lately. Come on people, grow up. Good luck to you! They'll come around eventually.

[TheFarmer'sDaughter]

Anita,

I am sorry you are having so much trouble adjusting socially
It's not because we think you are some sort of leper I promise you Iowans have a reputation for being a little closed off to new people from other places, at least that's what I read on City Data. I wouldn't really agree myself. But I do think Iowans take a little longer to "feel people out," and if you've been reserved at work, we don't really have the privilege of getting to know you!
Try being somewhat less reserved, make small talk at the water cooler. Join a book club or something else of interest to you. Friends in Iowa are like friends any where else, you have to make yourself available for friendship and keep a positive attitude.
Good Luck!

[Jay100]

Originally Posted by gypsy77

I am also living in Iowa now, moved here 3 months ago. It's not my first time living here, but I am from another state also. If people are treating you weird, it's because they think you're an "outsider." And if you are from California, it will be even worse. Trust me, I know. I am dealing with it right now. I have a new job in an office, and I keep hearing comments about how I must be bored here or how I'll hate the weather, or how I probably want to go back to the city, bla bla bla. None of that is true. Yes, I'm from California, but I don't think I'm that much different than anyone else. So it's not necessary to treat me differently. It will take time for people to "accept" you. But once they do, you will probably make lifelong friends out of them. And if they still act weird after a few months, just tell them to get over themselves and quit being so territorial. We're all different and from different places, it's no big deal. And everyone is free to move where they want. I didn't see a padlock on the Iowa border when I entered the state. Although some people around here have been acting like I shouldn't be here. Because "all these Californians are moving to the midwest and trying to take over..." Gee, I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard that lately. Come on people, grow up. Good luck to you! They'll come around eventually.

gypsy77
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I lived in Burlington, Iowa for 1 year, and it was the worst year of my life. Boring, LOW paying jobs (if you're lucky enough to even get a job) and to go anywhere with life, takes a half day drive, most of the time, in horrible weather. The people seemed "nice" at first, until they got on the subject of anything they didn't agree with. Being gay is a sin, living together before marriage is a sin, inter-racial relationships are a sin, etc.. I'm originally from CA and now live in AZ. Iowa City is ok, if you've never been anywhere else. I think it's the best town in Iowa to visit if you want to shop or go out to a nice dinner. But all in all, it was like stepping back in time. I know everyone talks about how great the schools are and how it's a safe place to raise children. The teenagers I knew there were so bored they just turned to drugs and alcohol because there was nowhere fun to go and nothing else to do. I'm not sure if I would raise my kids in a place where the whole church turns around and gives dirty looks to the new black family in town that walks through the door. Where I come from, that kind of behavior is unacceptable. It seems the people who are from there are treated much better that outsiders like me. If you ever do move to Iowa, never tell anyone you are from California. They sure don't like the C word around those parts. They assume everyone from CA is either a Baywatch babe, a movie star, gay, or just shallow and conceited. I am none of those. But I was treated as if I was. I've never met a group of more close-minded, hypocritical people in all my life. The West Coast states are very expensive and yes, the schools might not score as high as other places, but let me tell you, at least you can be yourself, and not be judged and shunned because the people in your town don't "approve." I will NEVER move back there, not even if someone gave me a free mansion to live in. Once you step foot outside of your big "affordable" house, you realize, you're still in Iowa. No thanks. That kind of place is not for me.

A while back you were trashing Iowa. That is just completely nuts.

[Persimmony]

Originally Posted by Jay100

A while back you were trashing Iowa. That is just completely nuts.

Nah that's just part of moving. One day you start to like it, the next day you find every reason to hate it. Pretty normal.