Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Ironically, I've always wanted to meet a somewhat religious girl, mostly because I'm fairly old school when it comes to relationships (not into hookups, looking for marriage, etc). I used to be religious for a few years as a teen, but the hypocrisy turned me off.
I've only been on a few dates with her, but we seem to be clicking on a lot of things. So far, she's the exact kind of person I always wanted to meet.
The only catch is, she's fairly hardcore on being religious (bal tchuvas (sp?) usually are). She observes all the holidays, fasts, dress, and she'll use Hebrew words in English midway while texting (and no she doesn't speak Hebrew). We haven't done anything other than eating out and coffee and I've yet to date a religious person, so I have no idea how to approach stuff like doing a road trip, watching a movie, going to a bar/club/dancing, or sex. Even flirting and intimacy in general (which I'm gonna naturally want to do when engaging in anything more than just eating food). I remember this stuff was shunned in general when I was in Yeshiva so I'm scared to bring this up. I don't know if shes opposed to things like that, and I don't know how to approach asking about something like that without getting awkward. Going to grab food is pretty limiting way in getting to know someone that I'd spend the rest of my life with, so I'll need to switch things up for our next date,
Also, I'm afraid that she'll want me to become religious and I don't know if she knows I'm not. I have no qualms in respecting most traditions (except the electricity stuff...that's just outdated) and sending my kids to Yeshiva for a year or two to see if they like it (though I'd also want to be involved in fixing the system as it's extremely broken and ****) but I don't think I can ever believe in that sense. Not in any established religion. Just worried in getting extremely attached to a person that wants me to believe in something I can't...or be someone I'm not.
Is this destined to fail or am I just overthinking? What kind of limits should I be aware of in trying new things for dating and see what we can do together?
Ironically, I've always wanted to meet a somewhat religious girl, mostly because I'm fairly old school when it comes to relationships (not into hookups, looking for marriage, etc). I used to be religious for a few years as a teen, but the hypocrisy turned me off.
I've only been on a few dates with her, but we seem to be clicking on a lot of things. So far, she's the exact kind of person I always wanted to meet.
The only catch is, she's fairly hardcore on being religious (bal tchuvas (sp?) usually are). She observes all the holidays, fasts, dress, and she'll use Hebrew words in English midway while texting (and no she doesn't speak Hebrew). We haven't done anything other than eating out and coffee and I've yet to date a religious person, so I have no idea how to approach stuff like doing a road trip, watching a movie, going to a bar/club/dancing, or sex. Even flirting and intimacy in general (which I'm gonna naturally want to do when engaging in anything more than just eating food). I remember this stuff was shunned in general when I was in Yeshiva so I'm scared to bring this up. I don't know if shes opposed to things like that, and I don't know how to approach asking about something like that without getting awkward. Going to grab food is pretty limiting way in getting to know someone that I'd spend the rest of my life with, so I'll need to switch things up for our next date,
Also, I'm afraid that she'll want me to become religious and I don't know if she knows I'm not. I have no qualms in respecting most traditions (except the electricity stuff...that's just outdated) and sending my kids to Yeshiva for a year or two to see if they like it (though I'd also want to be involved in fixing the system as it's extremely broken and ****) but I don't think I can ever believe in that sense. Not in any established religion. Just worried in getting extremely attached to a person that wants me to believe in something I can't...or be someone I'm not.
Is this destined to fail or am I just overthinking? What kind of limits should I be aware of in trying new things for dating and see what we can do together?
if you "don't believe"
then don't go out with someone religious
be up front with her and tell her you're not religious
see what her reaction is, and where the conversation goes
ask her what level of observance she is looking for in the guy she dates.
how can she be the "exact kind of person you always wanted to meet" if you "can't ever believe in organized religion" and she is "very religious."
i don't get it. do you want to be with someone religious so you can grow in that direction, grow in your observance?
you need to be honest with yourself, and with her.
if you "don't believe"
then don't go out with someone religious
be up front with her and tell her you're not religious
see what her reaction is, and where the conversation goes
ask her what level of observance she is looking for in the guy she dates.
how can she be the "exact kind of person you always wanted to meet" if you "can't ever believe in organized religion" and she is "very religious."
i don't get it. do you want to be with someone religious so you can grow in that direction, grow in your observance?
you need to be honest with yourself, and with her.
how old are you?
29 years old. To be frank, religion itself is not super important to me one way or another. Existential questions aren't too important in reality. More interested in focusing my time on reading articles, doing volunteer activities, studying new topics and furthering my education. What is important is keeping tradition and still becoming Jewish. It might be contradictory, but I don't think its an uncommon one.
Why would a religious person have more in common? Well, judging from the many dates I've been in, very few women (especially Jewish) are interested in a LTR. Many do not want children anytime soon.
We also have a lot of other interests in common, like movies, animals, and nature. Have similar humor (sarcastic) and career goals/interests.
To your point however, if you're suggesting that religious women are more prudish in regards to romance and PDA in general, then that could be a problem admittingly. What's the point of love if there's no romance allowed in it? Life has enough 'business' relationships. The person you spend the rest of your life with shouldn't be one. How can you share your deepest thoughts and secrets if you can't be intimate?
I don't mind being upfront about being non religious, but I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful. It hasn't come up in conversation as I've arranged dates in kosher places.
Last edited by proforrange; 09-19-2017 at 03:45 PM..
29 years old. To be frank, religion itself is not super important to me one way or another. Existential questions aren't too important in reality. More interested in focusing my time on reading articles, doing volunteer activities, studying new topics and furthering my education. What is important is keeping tradition and still becoming Jewish. It might be contradictory, but I don't think its an uncommon one.
Why would a religious person have more in common? Well, judging from the many dates I've been in, very few women (especially Jewish) are interested in a LTR. Many do not want children anytime soon.
We also have a lot of other interests in common, like movies, animals, and nature. Have similar humor (sarcastic) and career goals/interests.
I don't mind being upfront about it, but I don't know how to do it in a way that isn't hurtful. It hasn't come up in conversation as I've arranged dates in kosher places.
if someone is up front and asks about a person's level of observance, asks what they are looking for, to me it is a sign of respect. I saw someone a couple times and he flat out point blank said "I need to tell you that I am not religious." We had met in a class at shul. I appreciated him telling me. It opened the door to the conversation. To me it shows maturity and an ability to communicate.
again i will say there seems to be a huge disconnect in what you are saying
religion is "not important to you" and "not important in reality."
and yet you are saying you want to date someone religious.
if someone is religious, it is important to them. it is the central foundation of their life.
you need to have that conversation sooner rather than later.
just say "I wanted you to know that I am not religious" and "what is your level of observance" and "what level of observance are you looking for in someone you date"
if you are getting to know someone you need to be able to talk about what's important. and if she is religious, then yes this is important. ask her about her education, her schooling, how she became a baal tshuva, what classes she likes, what books she reads. Ask her what she finds most meaningful in her daily life as a Jew. You are showing an interest in her. It will be appreciated.
if you care nothing for religion
and you are interested in someone religious,
you are basically saying the thing that is most important to them, is without value in your eyes.
that is not a good basis to build a relationship on. can you not see that is problematic?
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 09-19-2017 at 03:44 PM..
if someone is up front and asks about a person's level of observance, asks what they are looking for, to me it is a sign of respect. I saw someone a couple times and he flat out point blank said "I need to tell you that I am not religious." We had met in a class at shul. I appreciated him telling me. It opened the door to the conversation. To me it shows maturity and an ability to communicate.
again i will say there seems to be a huge disconnect in what you are saying
religion is "not important to you" and "not important in reality."
and yet you are saying you want to date someone religious.
if someone is religious, it is important to them. it is the central foundation of their life.
you need to have that conversation sooner rather than later.
just say "I wanted you to know that I am not religious" and "what is your level of observance" and "what level of observance are you looking for in someone you date"
if you are getting to know someone you need to be able to talk about what's important. and if she is religious, then yes this is important. ask her about her education, her schooling, how she became a baal tshuva, what classes she likes, what books she reads. Ask her what she finds most meaningful in her daily life as a Jew. You are showing an interest in her. It will be appreciated.
if you care nothing for religion
and you are interested in someone religious,
you are basically saying the thing that is most important to them, is without value in your eyes.
that is not a good basis to build a relationship on. can you not see that is problematic?
Hmm...interesting point. I guess I never seen that side of the fence. Being interested and being committed are two separate things. I wouldn't say that I wouldn't value religion. It's highly variable per person. To me, I don't find the quest interesting, but I can see how it could be for a lot of people. You're right, I would have to be interested in her progression.
My views on spirituality is that it's an extremely personal matter from individual to individual. In general, what turns me off religion the most is the desire to make it into a collective interest. It has a lot of value on the individual level. It can be extremely destructive and corruptible on the collective level. (ie: Many people are 'religious' to fit into a specific group (I'd wager that the majority of religious Jews continue to do so for community appreciation) and follow instruction of that group to the letter without proper question, debate, or self reflection).
Hmm...interesting point. I guess I never seen that side of the fence. Being interested and being committed are two separate things. I wouldn't say that I wouldn't value religion. It's highly variable per person. To me, I don't find the quest interesting, but I can see how it could be for a lot of people. You're right, I would have to be interested in her progression.
My views on spirituality is that it's an extremely personal matter from individual to individual. In general, what turns me off religion the most is the desire to make it into a collective interest. It has a lot of value on the individual level. It can be extremely destructive and corruptible on the collective level. (ie: Many people are 'religious' to fit into a specific group (I'd wager that the majority of religious Jews continue to do so for community appreciation) and follow instruction of that group to the letter without proper question, debate, or self reflection).
Usually orthodox go through a shidduch and marry based on a "business relationship" and then grow into love and intimacy...This is how my friend met his wife and now eleven kids later they had grown in love...
The details just are not adding up. If it's as you say, though, she is "on the way up" and you are not. Doesn't appear to be a fit. Don't ruin her by having her spend any time with you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
