Unspoken Southern Rules (Knoxville: buy, catholic schools, store)

[eddiek7]

Well, I'm glad for you that you are a straightforward kind of person. The Southerners I've met in Tennessee aren't. It's all platitudes and niceites. When they ask how you're doing or how your flight was, they don't listen to your answer or even wait for you to finish before they say, "oh, that's good, glad to hear it." I could have replied ,"I had to sit next to a wooley mammoth and then parachute out over the airport and gotten the same response. Superficial politeness. It's aggravating because when you're not used to it, you see it for what it is almost immediately. Just a little too sticky sweet to be real.

I know it's not right to paint people with a broad brush and I'm sure there are many genuine, honest people in the south. I just haven't been lucky enough to run into them yet. It's been all syrupy, disingenuous evangelical types, so far. My apologies, though, for the generalization.

[hiknapster]

Originally Posted by eddiek7

Well, I'm glad for you that you are a straightforward kind of person. The Southerners I've met in Tennessee aren't. It's all platitudes and niceites. When they ask how you're doing or how your flight was, they don't listen to your answer or even wait for you to finish before they say, "oh, that's good, glad to hear it." I could have replied ,"I had to sit next to a wooley mammoth and then parachute out over the airport and gotten the same response. Superficial politeness. It's aggravating because when you're not used to it, you see it for what it is almost immediately. Just a little too sticky sweet to be real.

I know it's not right to paint people with a broad brush and I'm sure there are many genuine, honest people in the south. I just haven't been lucky enough to run into them yet. It's been all syrupy, disingenuous evangelical types, so far. My apologies, though, for the generalization.

Yeah. It's a generalization. But you know that.

When someone says, "How are you?" they don't mean it in any part of the country. It's always something superficial unless you are talking to a good friend.

But I feel you. There are people that ARE disingenuous evangelicals here as there are throughout the US. Well, there may be more in The South than elsewhere, and I would be lying if I said that this did not get on my nerves.

But there are really, really nice people here, too. How long have you been here? If it hasn't been long, then I say give it a chance and definitely get out and meet more people.

And there is something to be said for dealing with syrupy nice people as opposed to non-evolved lugs that can't even grunt a "please" or "thank you."

[jabogitlu]

:shrug: I've extensively visited all parts of the US except New England, the upper Midwest (though I did stay in South Dakota, ugh) and Alaska and Hawaii. It's been my experience that *IF* people in most other parts of the country ask "How are you?" they don't wait for an answer at all. That also was my experience in the greater Toronto area.

You may think it's better to not ask than to ask and not care about the answer. I guess it all goes back to being disingenuous. But I'd prefer someone to ask on the off chance they really do care.

What I really can't stand is when I ask people how they are and they don't bother to answer. If I've bothered to talk to you, I need you to respond. It's basic respect.

[JMT]

Originally Posted by jabogitlu

:shrug: I've extensively visited all parts of the US except New England, the upper Midwest (though I did stay in South Dakota, ugh) and Alaska and Hawaii. It's been my experience that *IF* people in most other parts of the country ask "How are you?" they don't wait for an answer at all. That also was my experience in the greater Toronto area.

You may think it's better to not ask than to ask and not care about the answer. I guess it all goes back to being disingenuous. But I'd prefer someone to ask on the off chance they really do care.

What I really can't stand is when I ask people how they are and they don't bother to answer. If I've bothered to talk to you, I need you to respond. It's basic respect.

Yeah that's a VERY American thing to do. We don't REALLY want to know how someone's doing. Asking someone how they're doing is more of a general greeting than a sincere question. It's one of the things that sometimes gets an American in trouble when s/he travels to Europe and asks how someone's doing--a total stranger--which is considered quite rude in many cultures.

And as you and hik pointed out, that is most definitely NOT something that is unique to Southerners. Not by a long shot.

[lindaintennessee]

interesting about church
this is just one example.....
Jimmy passed away.....funeral was on a friday
about 45 from our church showed up
and well over 150 that we did not know were there........

so many here will welcome you personally
now , they may ask what church you plan to attend.......
but we have welcome wagon to meetgt new ones
and new to knoxville .......
oh, i would not live anywhere else
and i have lived in 15 or more cities before this

linda in Tennessee

[eddiek7]

I guess it just takes some getting used to different cultures and I won't let a couple of bad examples ruin my outlook on Tennessee people.
That church question is a sticky one. One, because that's not a common question where I come from and tow, the answer is Catholic. I've been asked some pretty bizarre questions about being Catholic, usually the byproduct of bad information the questioner's gotten somewhere.
I guess folks in Knoxville don't run into too many folks who go to a church that doesn't have 'fellowship' in the title. The welcome wagon can get a little awkward after that, like I'd just landed in a spaceship.

[jabogitlu]

I don't know where ya'll are hanging out, maybe Maynardville. In all my time in Knoxville I never once got asked to go to a church, got asked about religion, or even thought about religion.

[hiknapster]

Originally Posted by jabogitlu

I don't know where ya'll are hanging out, maybe Maynardville. In all my time in Knoxville I never once got asked to go to a church, got asked about religion, or even thought about religion.

Really?

I've been asked a quite a few times.

When I rented in north Knox, we would have a group of Baptists that just concentrated on our area. They would come and bring fliers to attract the kids and they would sing Christmas carols and bring lovely ornaments.

The funny thing is that we did attend that church, regularly, for a couple of months, then stopped going because they seemed superficial and cliquey. They never contacted us after that. Yet, here they were in our neighborhood and never realized that we had gone to that church.

It seemed strange. Like they wanted to recruit us but I had actually gone there before and the church was kind of odd.

Since we bought the house, we have been asked three times. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but it wasn't terrible.

I talked to an older lady once and told her my daughter was having a hard time making friends and she told me all about her church and the kid activities. I guess they assume that you are Baptist. Kind of weird. Or maybe that is the only place a kid can make a friend.

Church is certainly a BIG topic at the school playground.

At work, I had a very bad situation with one employee that really had a meltdown, but I really chalk that up to the person, not her religion. It was a Christian lady that rescued me from her. And the company made it right. There's lots of Christians there, but also Wiccans and atheists and such and they all get along fine.

Most people coexist here. It is different than up North, though. I really think that if we attend the UU church we might be able to make some friends. I'm really nervous about going, though, considering all our past church experiences.

[jabogitlu]

Hik, I urge you to go to TVUUC and see if you like it. It was very welcoming and warm feeling to me. And they'll certainly have no problems with your beliefs.

[Southlander]

Originally Posted by Deborah53

I recently had a discussion with a woman who grew up in the midwest but lived for many years in the south. She spoke of the social rules being very different, things such as weddings and gift giving. She said gifts are never taken to the reception and those who do are uncouth. Also said you never go to another church if you are not a member for things like a funeral. I was just wondering if any transplants have encountered what she speaks of or any other differences in what is/isn't acceptable socially. Thanks for the insight.

She must have lived in the South in the 1950s and early '60s.
I do remember when it was considered gauche to take your gift to the wedding, but that's no longer true. Guests come a long ways, and it's expensive to ship gifts, so it's perfectly OK to bring a gift.

Not go to a church you're not a member of for a funeral? Never heard of that. Now, funeral rules and practices differ, and between towns as well as regions.

Hosting a party, coffee, dinner etc. to introduce a newcomer is still done, but not to the extent it once was. I think it's a lovely custom...if it was practiced more, newcomers would be less lonely.

Back in the 1970s, we moved from Alabama to a town in Tennessee when I was in college. My dad was recruited by an old friend to run a restaurant as a partner in the venture. We always thought it was odd that his wife did not host something to introduce my mom. She wound up with only 1 friend, a next door neighbor, because Dad worked so much he couldn't even go to church (which is where they would usually find friends).

They were eager to move back a year later.