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Old 10-30-2017, 01:23 PM
 
395 posts, read 250,591 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NLVgal View Post
First, try everything possible to work on saving your marriage. I've done divorce twice and it's very painful.
Worst advice.

Being Single is the new Married. Tell her “Bye Felicia” and carry on.
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Old 10-31-2017, 04:39 AM
 
2,575 posts, read 1,895,378 times
Reputation: 2210
My experience with divorce is having been a child of it and I've been threw a lot of them.

My Mom and Dad divorced before I was born. Mom didn't know she was pregnant with me and left my Dad. But in her religion she already found a man and was going to remarry less than a year after leaving my Dad because she had a baby on the way and two kids already, but her fiancés parents talked him out of it at the last minute because she came with three kids.

My Dad thought my Mom left him because she was hormonal from not knowing she was pregnant with me. Now that I'm much older I realize that really they just got married too young as teenager and needed time to grow up some. They didn't get to do that before getting married, going off to war and having kids during all that. This was due to their religion somewhat too and the times they were living in. Dad never came back the same from Vietnam. Anyways, they decided to remarry on the original date that they married so they didn't have two wedding dates to celebrate. This came before I was born. The divorce and remarriage happened all within a period of seven months while Mom was pregnant with me.

It wasn't a happy marriage after that either but it went on for six more years and I got another brother out of it. Then they separated and divorced when I was 6-7. Again my Mom instigated it. I don't remember the divorce but I'm told it was very traumatic for me. I would crawl under the coffee table and curl in a ball and cry and whimper like a puppy dog. I also lost a lot of my hair at this time from the emotional stress and anxiety. I don't know what to think of these stories. I look back at the pictures from then and see I looked really sick. I guess their divorce process was hard on me.

After my Mom and Dad divorced six months later my Dad remarried a woman that was 10 years younger than her that he worked with. He was her Boss. She was young, insecure, jealous, evil and abusive. They produced 3 children together during their 14 year marriage. They also kidnapped us from our Mom for nine years and moved us out of State. This is a much longer and complicated story. These years are some of the darkest chapters of my life. I choose not to live in the past.

During this time my Mom remarried a man 14 years younger than herself. My Mom never had kids again and their marriage lasted five years. I did meet him before we were kidnapped. He was a kind and handsome Italian man and I felt pity for him. I also remember telling him not to marry my Mom one day at the zoo while eating ice cream, but I was far to young to have the word to explain why. It was out of concern for her potential to break his innocent heart after what I'd seen with my Dad. Men really marry their wives in their hearts.

After that husband my Mom remarried a very wealthy man closer to her age. This marriage lasted 14 years and was when I came into contact with her again. My youngest brother and I ended up going to live with her and this Step Dad. At one point my two older brothers also lived with us. Those were some of the best years during my childhood but their marriage was also not without its turbulence. I moved out of the house at 16 and stayed with a friend off and on. I also took a full time job in the evenings during high school which was hard with full time school. So I went back and forth to my Mom's off and on until I was 17 and moved out for good. I was done with my parents bs. This broke my Mother's heart because she had so little time with her kids. I feel like we've been making up for it ever since. I need her to let me go live my life like she does with my brothers but I'm her only daughter so I guess it's harder.

Around when I was 18 my Dad was getting his third divorce. That wife got the house and half the money and custody of the three kids. She remarried and moved them out of State. Dad followed them to be near them even though she threatens him if he did. Then he remarried a woman ten years younger than her. So fourth marriage for him but third wife really. That marriage came with a step brother. Then they started fostering kids and adopted one of them that was a young teenager. They tried to adopt two more that we're siblings but the State said they couldn't since one of the parents didn't want to adopt them out. Anyways those girls stayed living with them like the adopted foster daughter until they were 18 so it's like they adopted them.

After my brother and I we're out of high school my Mom divorced the wealthy man and stayed single for 15 years. Didn't date anyone. Bought her own house. Made her own money. Traveled the world. One brother lives near her and has her only grandkids.

And after the kids were raised and out of my Dad's house his last wife divorced him but they were on and off again until he put a stop to it. He's gone back to his religion and retired a few years ago comfortably so he can't be messing around with somebody who's unstable draining his fixed income. He lives alone near my younger siblings and his grandkids.

Mom just recently retired suddenly on nothing really and has no plan. She still blames my Dad for taking all the money in the divorce and then coming back for the kids and kidnapping us from her. It was a pretty helpless situation for her.

So both my parents have been married and divorced four times and I've had the pleasure to have been part of all these different Step families and their extended families. That ironically have zero contact with us after their divorces. Which is difficult on children. By the time I was 15 I'd lived in two capitol cities and four major metros. By the time I was 19 I'd lived in five. I've move 52-53 times in my life. I have to recount again but I think that was where it was at last.

I've been ripped apart and put back together many times. I grew up fast and hard and had a ton of responsibilities put on me at a tender age as the oldest daughter. Started regular chores like laundry, dishes and making breakfast and school lunches for everybody at 7. Latch key kid and second mother changing diapers at 8 years old and upgraded to cooking dinners. Babysitting sibilings and watching the neighborhood kids at 10 years old. Doing all the cooking for a family of 6-9 from the ages of 10-15 including all the cleaning of the 6 bedroom 2.5 bath house like freaking Cinderella. Which I'm resentful of because the boys had it much easier. They had some chores but nothing like I worked. Plus I was helping with the additional chores with the livestock and crops on my parents 40 acres and helping my Grandpa and Grandma on their 200 acres next to us. We had all kinds of animals to take care of. So I'm really good with kids and animals. Plants on the other had not so good. My first career was the natural choice of early child development. That was several life times ago now.

I've had one husband and been married nearly 11 years this December. Out of my sibilings I've been married the longest and most of them have divorced their first spouse. We have no children or pets but we do have some plants that I rescued from some neighbors when we moved to Portland. Two out of five of them are thriving. One died I think, but it was already dying when I got it. Still not sure about that green thumb.

Considering divorce at this stage is far too painful, but I will say there have been some rocky years here and there where we both considered it, especially early on. We've been through a lot together and are probably the best we've ever been together now. Financial stability helps a lot with that. For us around 60K feels prosperous without dual incomes, kids or pets. We also know each other a lot better. Time changes people and we changed together instead of growing apart.

I can share my experiences from it but I can't tell you what to do. Only you know your situation and what's best for you all in this time now. I'm sorry you're all facing this but maybe it's for the best. Life goes on.

Last edited by Merry Lee Gather; 10-31-2017 at 04:55 AM..
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Old 10-31-2017, 06:48 AM
 
793 posts, read 463,920 times
Reputation: 868
Wow Merry Lee, we have almost parallel lives... My mom went through 5 husbands, some good, some extremely bad. But my sperm donor stopped at 2. That experience is part of why I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy. That life of pain and grief is shared by everyone involved.
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Old 10-31-2017, 07:30 AM
 
8,716 posts, read 2,326,157 times
Reputation: 2772
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merry Lee Gather View Post
My experience with divorce is having been a child of it and I've been threw a lot of them.

My Mom and Dad divorced before I was born. Mom didn't know she was pregnant with me and left my Dad. But in her religion she already found a man and was going to remarry less than a year after leaving my Dad because she had a baby on the way and two kids already, but her fiancés parents talked him out of it at the last minute because she came with three kids.

My Dad thought my Mom left him because she was hormonal from not knowing she was pregnant with me. Now that I'm much older I realize that really they just got married too young as teenager and needed time to grow up some. They didn't get to do that before getting married, going off to war and having kids during all that. This was due to their religion somewhat too and the times they were living in. Dad never came back the same from Vietnam. Anyways, they decided to remarry on the original date that they married so they didn't have two wedding dates to celebrate. This came before I was born. The divorce and remarriage happened all within a period of seven months while Mom was pregnant with me.

It wasn't a happy marriage after that either but it went on for six more years and I got another brother out of it. Then they separated and divorced when I was 6-7. Again my Mom instigated it. I don't remember the divorce but I'm told it was very traumatic for me. I would crawl under the coffee table and curl in a ball and cry and whimper like a puppy dog. I also lost a lot of my hair at this time from the emotional stress and anxiety. I don't know what to think of these stories. I look back at the pictures from then and see I looked really sick. I guess their divorce process was hard on me.

After my Mom and Dad divorced six months later my Dad remarried a woman that was 10 years younger than her that he worked with. He was her Boss. She was young, insecure, jealous, evil and abusive. They produced 3 children together during their 14 year marriage. They also kidnapped us from our Mom for nine years and moved us out of State. This is a much longer and complicated story. These years are some of the darkest chapters of my life. I choose not to live in the past.

During this time my Mom remarried a man 14 years younger than herself. My Mom never had kids again and their marriage lasted five years. I did meet him before we were kidnapped. He was a kind and handsome Italian man and I felt pity for him. I also remember telling him not to marry my Mom one day at the zoo while eating ice cream, but I was far to young to have the word to explain why. It was out of concern for her potential to break his innocent heart after what I'd seen with my Dad. Men really marry their wives in their hearts.

After that husband my Mom remarried a very wealthy man closer to her age. This marriage lasted 14 years and was when I came into contact with her again. My youngest brother and I ended up going to live with her and this Step Dad. At one point my two older brothers also lived with us. Those were some of the best years during my childhood but their marriage was also not without its turbulence. I moved out of the house at 16 and stayed with a friend off and on. I also took a full time job in the evenings during high school which was hard with full time school. So I went back and forth to my Mom's off and on until I was 17 and moved out for good. I was done with my parents bs. This broke my Mother's heart because she had so little time with her kids. I feel like we've been making up for it ever since. I need her to let me go live my life like she does with my brothers but I'm her only daughter so I guess it's harder.

Around when I was 18 my Dad was getting his third divorce. That wife got the house and half the money and custody of the three kids. She remarried and moved them out of State. Dad followed them to be near them even though she threatens him if he did. Then he remarried a woman ten years younger than her. So fourth marriage for him but third wife really. That marriage came with a step brother. Then they started fostering kids and adopted one of them that was a young teenager. They tried to adopt two more that we're siblings but the State said they couldn't since one of the parents didn't want to adopt them out. Anyways those girls stayed living with them like the adopted foster daughter until they were 18 so it's like they adopted them.

After my brother and I we're out of high school my Mom divorced the wealthy man and stayed single for 15 years. Didn't date anyone. Bought her own house. Made her own money. Traveled the world. One brother lives near her and has her only grandkids.

And after the kids were raised and out of my Dad's house his last wife divorced him but they were on and off again until he put a stop to it. He's gone back to his religion and retired a few years ago comfortably so he can't be messing around with somebody who's unstable draining his fixed income. He lives alone near my younger siblings and his grandkids.

Mom just recently retired suddenly on nothing really and has no plan. She still blames my Dad for taking all the money in the divorce and then coming back for the kids and kidnapping us from her. It was a pretty helpless situation for her.

So both my parents have been married and divorced four times and I've had the pleasure to have been part of all these different Step families and their extended families. That ironically have zero contact with us after their divorces. Which is difficult on children. By the time I was 15 I'd lived in two capitol cities and four major metros. By the time I was 19 I'd lived in five. I've move 52-53 times in my life. I have to recount again but I think that was where it was at last.

I've been ripped apart and put back together many times. I grew up fast and hard and had a ton of responsibilities put on me at a tender age as the oldest daughter. Started regular chores like laundry, dishes and making breakfast and school lunches for everybody at 7. Latch key kid and second mother changing diapers at 8 years old and upgraded to cooking dinners. Babysitting sibilings and watching the neighborhood kids at 10 years old. Doing all the cooking for a family of 6-9 from the ages of 10-15 including all the cleaning of the 6 bedroom 2.5 bath house like freaking Cinderella. Which I'm resentful of because the boys had it much easier. They had some chores but nothing like I worked. Plus I was helping with the additional chores with the livestock and crops on my parents 40 acres and helping my Grandpa and Grandma on their 200 acres next to us. We had all kinds of animals to take care of. So I'm really good with kids and animals. Plants on the other had not so good. My first career was the natural choice of early child development. That was several life times ago now.

I've had one husband and been married nearly 11 years this December. Out of my sibilings I've been married the longest and most of them have divorced their first spouse. We have no children or pets but we do have some plants that I rescued from some neighbors when we moved to Portland. Two out of five of them are thriving. One died I think, but it was already dying when I got it. Still not sure about that green thumb.

Considering divorce at this stage is far too painful, but I will say there have been some rocky years here and there where we both considered it, especially early on. We've been through a lot together and are probably the best we've ever been together now. Financial stability helps a lot with that. For us around 60K feels prosperous without dual incomes, kids or pets. We also know each other a lot better. Time changes people and we changed together instead of growing apart.

I can share my experiences from it but I can't tell you what to do. Only you know your situation and what's best for you all in this time now. I'm sorry you're all facing this but maybe it's for the best. Life goes on.
Re the bolded....A good friend of mine of about 30 years....who is now in his mid 60s...married once, when he was in his 40s. He married a Russian woman he met in the U.S. He spoke some Russian when they met, but her English was much better than his Russian. She had an under 10 year old daughter in Russia. After they married, his dad bought them a house. Eventually, the daughter came from Russia to live with them, and then later, his wife's mother came from Russia to live with them. After all four of them were living together, his wife's ex-stepfather came from Russia for a visit (he was the ex-2nd husband of his wife's mother). He said to my friend "if you can live with these three women, you are a better man than I am" . Eventually they decided to speak only in Russian and leave him out of conversations. Things went downhill quickly after that. She ended up getting the house.

One of my best friends (not the one from my first paragraph) is a physician. His father is a real estate broker, but his parents both are from large Catholic families and all of their (his parents) brothers on both sides are physicians, and all of their sisters on both sides are married to physicians. My friend knew when he was five that he wanted to be a physician. He's the oldest, his one sister is the second oldest, and then three brothers after that. Their finances were up and down while they were growing up. During many of the kids formative years, his mother had to work. His sister had to sort of be a second mother to her three younger brothers. Her childhood suffered because of that. She resented that quite a bit, and I can't say that I blame her. She chose to never get over it, and she's well over 50 now. Even though in their situation there was no divorce, and no half nor step siblings, what might seem like a situation that would generate less conflict than you experienced still created a valid boatload of resentment somewhat along the lines of what it sounds like you experienced.
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Old 10-31-2017, 07:44 AM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
16,474 posts, read 20,009,944 times
Reputation: 22399
If I could ever find the bumper sticker, I'd put one on my front living room window and on my car, front and back: Ban Marriage, Imprison All violators!

Having done massage for 30 years, I could write a book about the nightmare divorces I've heard on my table over the years, and each story leaves me so depressed and angry.

I hope and hope and hope (I don't believe in prayer or God as marriage would be illegal) that you come out of this with the fewest injuries!
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Old 10-31-2017, 08:15 AM
 
Location: 89121
213 posts, read 104,911 times
Reputation: 242
Erdf Las Vegas
Not a magic bullet, but did help me a lot many years ago.
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Old 10-31-2017, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,433 posts, read 24,210,764 times
Reputation: 24745
Quote:
Originally Posted by Merry Lee Gather View Post
My experience with divorce is having been a child of it and I've been threw a lot of them.

My Mom and Dad divorced before I was born. Mom didn't know she was pregnant with me and left my Dad. But in her religion she already found a man and was going to remarry less than a year after leaving my Dad because she had a baby on the way and two kids already, but her fiancés parents talked him out of it at the last minute because she came with three kids.

My Dad thought my Mom left him because she was hormonal from not knowing she was pregnant with me. Now that I'm much older I realize that really they just got married too young as teenager and needed time to grow up some. They didn't get to do that before getting married, going off to war and having kids during all that. This was due to their religion somewhat too and the times they were living in. Dad never came back the same from Vietnam. Anyways, they decided to remarry on the original date that they married so they didn't have two wedding dates to celebrate. This came before I was born. The divorce and remarriage happened all within a period of seven months while Mom was pregnant with me.

It wasn't a happy marriage after that either but it went on for six more years and I got another brother out of it. Then they separated and divorced when I was 6-7. Again my Mom instigated it. I don't remember the divorce but I'm told it was very traumatic for me. I would crawl under the coffee table and curl in a ball and cry and whimper like a puppy dog. I also lost a lot of my hair at this time from the emotional stress and anxiety. I don't know what to think of these stories. I look back at the pictures from then and see I looked really sick. I guess their divorce process was hard on me.

After my Mom and Dad divorced six months later my Dad remarried a woman that was 10 years younger than her that he worked with. He was her Boss. She was young, insecure, jealous, evil and abusive. They produced 3 children together during their 14 year marriage. They also kidnapped us from our Mom for nine years and moved us out of State. This is a much longer and complicated story. These years are some of the darkest chapters of my life. I choose not to live in the past.

During this time my Mom remarried a man 14 years younger than herself. My Mom never had kids again and their marriage lasted five years. I did meet him before we were kidnapped. He was a kind and handsome Italian man and I felt pity for him. I also remember telling him not to marry my Mom one day at the zoo while eating ice cream, but I was far to young to have the word to explain why. It was out of concern for her potential to break his innocent heart after what I'd seen with my Dad. Men really marry their wives in their hearts.

After that husband my Mom remarried a very wealthy man closer to her age. This marriage lasted 14 years and was when I came into contact with her again. My youngest brother and I ended up going to live with her and this Step Dad. At one point my two older brothers also lived with us. Those were some of the best years during my childhood but their marriage was also not without its turbulence. I moved out of the house at 16 and stayed with a friend off and on. I also took a full time job in the evenings during high school which was hard with full time school. So I went back and forth to my Mom's off and on until I was 17 and moved out for good. I was done with my parents bs. This broke my Mother's heart because she had so little time with her kids. I feel like we've been making up for it ever since. I need her to let me go live my life like she does with my brothers but I'm her only daughter so I guess it's harder.

Around when I was 18 my Dad was getting his third divorce. That wife got the house and half the money and custody of the three kids. She remarried and moved them out of State. Dad followed them to be near them even though she threatens him if he did. Then he remarried a woman ten years younger than her. So fourth marriage for him but third wife really. That marriage came with a step brother. Then they started fostering kids and adopted one of them that was a young teenager. They tried to adopt two more that we're siblings but the State said they couldn't since one of the parents didn't want to adopt them out. Anyways those girls stayed living with them like the adopted foster daughter until they were 18 so it's like they adopted them.

After my brother and I we're out of high school my Mom divorced the wealthy man and stayed single for 15 years. Didn't date anyone. Bought her own house. Made her own money. Traveled the world. One brother lives near her and has her only grandkids.

And after the kids were raised and out of my Dad's house his last wife divorced him but they were on and off again until he put a stop to it. He's gone back to his religion and retired a few years ago comfortably so he can't be messing around with somebody who's unstable draining his fixed income. He lives alone near my younger siblings and his grandkids.

Mom just recently retired suddenly on nothing really and has no plan. She still blames my Dad for taking all the money in the divorce and then coming back for the kids and kidnapping us from her. It was a pretty helpless situation for her.

So both my parents have been married and divorced four times and I've had the pleasure to have been part of all these different Step families and their extended families. That ironically have zero contact with us after their divorces. Which is difficult on children. By the time I was 15 I'd lived in two capitol cities and four major metros. By the time I was 19 I'd lived in five. I've move 52-53 times in my life. I have to recount again but I think that was where it was at last.

I've been ripped apart and put back together many times. I grew up fast and hard and had a ton of responsibilities put on me at a tender age as the oldest daughter. Started regular chores like laundry, dishes and making breakfast and school lunches for everybody at 7. Latch key kid and second mother changing diapers at 8 years old and upgraded to cooking dinners. Babysitting sibilings and watching the neighborhood kids at 10 years old. Doing all the cooking for a family of 6-9 from the ages of 10-15 including all the cleaning of the 6 bedroom 2.5 bath house like freaking Cinderella. Which I'm resentful of because the boys had it much easier. They had some chores but nothing like I worked. Plus I was helping with the additional chores with the livestock and crops on my parents 40 acres and helping my Grandpa and Grandma on their 200 acres next to us. We had all kinds of animals to take care of. So I'm really good with kids and animals. Plants on the other had not so good. My first career was the natural choice of early child development. That was several life times ago now.

I've had one husband and been married nearly 11 years this December. Out of my sibilings I've been married the longest and most of them have divorced their first spouse. We have no children or pets but we do have some plants that I rescued from some neighbors when we moved to Portland. Two out of five of them are thriving. One died I think, but it was already dying when I got it. Still not sure about that green thumb.

Considering divorce at this stage is far too painful, but I will say there have been some rocky years here and there where we both considered it, especially early on. We've been through a lot together and are probably the best we've ever been together now. Financial stability helps a lot with that. For us around 60K feels prosperous without dual incomes, kids or pets. We also know each other a lot better. Time changes people and we changed together instead of growing apart.

I can share my experiences from it but I can't tell you what to do. Only you know your situation and what's best for you all in this time now. I'm sorry you're all facing this but maybe it's for the best. Life goes on.
Wow Merry! You were put through the mill. My parents chose the opposite track and stayed married even though they hated each other. That's not a bowl of rice pops either. I can remember wishing my parents would get a divorce.
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Old 10-31-2017, 06:20 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
3,671 posts, read 7,979,572 times
Reputation: 2933
One question is whether you have the income to live separately. If getting away from her is your main goal, but you don't have the income to pay for separate housing, you may find yourself divorced, but continuing to live under the same roof.

If that's what you're looking at, maybe it's worth investing more time into seeing if reconciliation is possible. Sometimes it isn't though, and separating, no matter how difficult it is, is the right decision.
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Old 10-31-2017, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Here and there, you decide.
11,578 posts, read 22,679,105 times
Reputation: 3883
theres no way she's only getting 250 a month, it will be considerably more... you say you have nothing, but you've posted otherwise (lyft 1000 per week, construction 40 an hour if I remember). and if she has any access to the posts, it's going to be expensive...

a guy I knew had 1 kid, wife she had no job, no nothing, he made 35k a year, he's paying $1700 a month, but thats in Ohio if it matters
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Old 10-31-2017, 11:25 PM
EA EA started this thread
 
Location: Las Vegas
5,472 posts, read 4,666,253 times
Reputation: 5911
Quote:
Originally Posted by airics View Post
theres no way she's only getting 250 a month, it will be considerably more... you say you have nothing, but you've posted otherwise (lyft 1000 per week, construction 40 an hour if I remember). and if she has any access to the posts, it's going to be expensive...

a guy I knew had 1 kid, wife she had no job, no nothing, he made 35k a year, he's paying $1700 a month, but thats in Ohio if it matters


I looked into the way they calculate things here. She'll get about 250 a month.
If I have to pay child support it will be about 500 per kid.
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