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Old 10-07-2009, 10:36 AM
 
5,860 posts, read 6,629,616 times
Reputation: 1798
Quote:
Originally Posted by lialleycat View Post
Don't give up hope! I just attended a wedding this weekend of a friend of mine who's pushing 40 and up until 2 years ago had given up on ever finding someone. Then she met the love of her life and the were wed this weekend. She was adamant she wouldn't find someone for so many years that I think she made that come true. Once she stopped saying that all the time and just made the most of life, love came to her.
That's so rare though.

Anyway, congrats to your friend! Sounds like a beautiful wedding!

 
Old 10-07-2009, 01:22 PM
 
1,813 posts, read 3,283,739 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
That's so rare though.

Anyway, congrats to your friend! Sounds like a beautiful wedding!
It's like a thought that comes to you when you've gone off to do something else after trying to remember it. When you're not looking is when you'll find it. In the meantime, go out and enjoy life - take classes, join clubs, go to church/temple/whatever. Sitting home bemoaning your fate as a singleton won't change anything. Become a happy, interesting person, and you'll find another happy, interesting person. At least that's the advise I always gave my friend! LOL!

BTW, she met her husband in a motorcycle club, which she only had recently developed an interest in so that we could ride together and so she could save some money on gas.
 
Old 10-07-2009, 01:37 PM
 
5,860 posts, read 6,629,616 times
Reputation: 1798
Quote:
Originally Posted by lialleycat View Post
It's like a thought that comes to you when you've gone off to do something else after trying to remember it. When you're not looking is when you'll find it. In the meantime, go out and enjoy life - take classes, join clubs, go to church/temple/whatever. Sitting home bemoaning your fate as a singleton won't change anything. Become a happy, interesting person, and you'll find another happy, interesting person. At least that's the advise I always gave my friend! LOL!

BTW, she met her husband in a motorcycle club, which she only had recently developed an interest in so that we could ride together and so she could save some money on gas.
Can't exactly take classes when I don't have the $$ to. Furthermore, the men I am looking for are not going to be found in classes or a house of worship...I'm pretty non-religious anyway.

You can change your lifestyle all you want, love isn't guaranteed. I have so many friends in their 30's & 40's who wanted it and did other things with their time to get their mind off of it...and still never found anyone.

Something also has to be said for the way a person looks...
 
Old 10-07-2009, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Inis Fada
13,419 posts, read 14,575,460 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Can't exactly take classes when I don't have the $$ to.
Would you consider auditing classes at a nearby college? There are more adults filling in college seats than there were back when I was commuting on my dinosaur....

Quote:
Something also has to be said for the way a person looks...
True, the outer wrapping might hold the initial appeal, but it's what's inside that will matter most.

Currently I know many men who would not meet with what society deems physically attractive in a male. What they lack in physical beauty they more than make up for in their ability to hold a conversation, their devotion to their families, their careers, and their recreational pursuits.
 
Old 10-08-2009, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
15,537 posts, read 15,226,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Well thanks for the work ethic comment. The problem is I wont just settle for anyone. I'm probably very picky but at the same time I don't think what I am asking for is unreasonable. Essentially I want someone comparable to me.
Everyone is picky in what they want. People would be crazy if they didn't have at least some minimum standards. Two traps to avoid:

1. Don't insist that a person meets ALL of your requirements. We are all individuals and nobody is going to have your complete laundry list. It happened both times with me: husbands had most of the requirements but were of course lacking some (as I was/is lacking some of theirs). Be reasonable, but no person should just settle for anyone (active alcoholic, drug abuser, cheater, lazy, won't work, violent, thief, etc.) so they are not alone. Sadly, this happens, especially among women, so I can understand your caution. Look at all the whackjobs that are marrying violent criminals in prison. Usually it's women who do that. Why are women so desperate? I commend you for not being desperate, but don't be totally inflexible either.

2. Don't get involved with someone you think has "potential" if only he would change one or more really bad habits or characteristics and think you will be the one to "rehab" them. It's not a DIY job. You can't reshape a fully grown person. Never assume that if you marry them deciding that you will be their 24-7-365 "probation officer and rehabilitator" everything will end up perfect. To the contrary, it usually never works and both parties are angry and disappointed and the marriage fails.
 
Old 10-08-2009, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Nassau, Long Island, NY
15,537 posts, read 15,226,177 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jdawg8181 View Post
Can't exactly take classes when I don't have the $$ to. Furthermore, the men I am looking for are not going to be found in classes or a house of worship...I'm pretty non-religious anyway.

You can change your lifestyle all you want, love isn't guaranteed. I have so many friends in their 30's & 40's who wanted it and did other things with their time to get their mind off of it...and still never found anyone.

Something also has to be said for the way a person looks...
What I would recommend to a woman who is nearing her late 20's and has no children (maybe doesn't even want them at this point in her life) and has no significant other to possibly get pregnant with soon is to FREEZE YOUR EGGS for the future JUST IN CASE!

The best place to find potential significant others is at parties, bars, clubs, etc. Then you see each other and you can tell if there is an attraction. Too many people dither away with online dating, emails may "look" like you are compatible, you may like their picture and they may like yours, but when you meet face to face there is no sizzle and you wasted your time.

As for looks, sometimes the plainer women get approached by nicer, more humble guys. I remember being in the singles scene in my very early 20's and I was absolutely SHOCKED by the overconfident and horrible guys I met. I just wanted a boyfriend. THEY wanted a notch on their belt with a great-looking girl. The nicer, more normal ones shied away from me because they thought I was too pretty and would reject them.
 
Old 10-08-2009, 12:56 PM
 
5,860 posts, read 6,629,616 times
Reputation: 1798
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
What I would recommend to a woman who is nearing her late 20's and has no children (maybe doesn't even want them at this point in her life) and has no significant other to possibly get pregnant with soon is to FREEZE YOUR EGGS for the future JUST IN CASE!

The best place to find potential significant others is at parties, bars, clubs, etc. Then you see each other and you can tell if there is an attraction. Too many people dither away with online dating, emails may "look" like you are compatible, you may like their picture and they may like yours, but when you meet face to face there is no sizzle and you wasted your time.

As for looks, sometimes the plainer women get approached by nicer, more humble guys. I remember being in the singles scene in my very early 20's and I was absolutely SHOCKED by the overconfident and horrible guys I met. I just wanted a boyfriend. THEY wanted a notch on their belt with a great-looking girl. The nicer, more normal ones shied away from me because they thought I was too pretty and would reject them.
That's right...I hate to sound conceited, but I am far from plain. I am very beautiful and this is more of a curse than it is a blessing...b/c most of the guys I meet are not interested in dating a "hot girl"...they are interested in sleeping with her. The plainer more homely girls are the ones that get the long-term boyfriends and ultimately husbands in the end...and that isn't me, so I don't know what gives.
 
Old 10-08-2009, 01:08 PM
 
1,813 posts, read 3,283,739 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
Everyone is picky in what they want. People would be crazy if they didn't have at least some minimum standards. Two traps to avoid:

1. Don't insist that a person meets ALL of your requirements. We are all individuals and nobody is going to have your complete laundry list. It happened both times with me: husbands had most of the requirements but were of course lacking some (as I was/is lacking some of theirs). Be reasonable, but no person should just settle for anyone (active alcoholic, drug abuser, cheater, lazy, won't work, violent, thief, etc.) so they are not alone. Sadly, this happens, especially among women, so I can understand your caution. Look at all the whackjobs that are marrying violent criminals in prison. Usually it's women who do that. Why are women so desperate? I commend you for not being desperate, but don't be totally inflexible either.

2. Don't get involved with someone you think has "potential" if only he would change one or more really bad habits or characteristics and think you will be the one to "rehab" them. It's not a DIY job. You can't reshape a fully grown person. Never assume that if you marry them deciding that you will be their 24-7-365 "probation officer and rehabilitator" everything will end up perfect. To the contrary, it usually never works and both parties are angry and disappointed and the marriage fails.

Good points on both! Take if from someone who was married to a guy who thought the second. He married me thinking I'd change my mind about having kids and such like that - and when I didn't - and he finally told me that it was something he couldn't do without - the marriage went south fast. He remarried and has 3 children now and is happy. I still have no kids - so I guess I wasn't going to eventually change my mind!
 
Old 10-08-2009, 01:19 PM
 
1,813 posts, read 3,283,739 times
Reputation: 718
Quote:
Originally Posted by I_Love_LI_but View Post
....The best place to find potential significant others is at parties, bars, clubs, etc. Then you see each other and you can tell if there is an attraction. Too many people dither away with online dating, emails may "look" like you are compatible, you may like their picture and they may like yours, but when you meet face to face there is no sizzle and you wasted your time.

As for looks, sometimes the plainer women get approached by nicer, more humble guys. I remember being in the singles scene in my very early 20's and I was absolutely SHOCKED by the overconfident and horrible guys I met. I just wanted a boyfriend. THEY wanted a notch on their belt with a great-looking girl. The nicer, more normal ones shied away from me because they thought I was too pretty and would reject them.
Um, what's wrong with approaching the nicer, more humble guys yourself? I'm not too shabby in the looks dept either, so I learned that you have to go up to and talk to the guys that interest you. They won't get it that you're interested at first, but eventually they'll catch on!

Also, I disagree with the dismissal of the online dating thing. Yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out - but I don't consider meeting someone new a waste of time. If there aren't sparks, there aren't - but maybe you can gain a friend - or at the very least - just have a night out and laugh about how mismatched it was later. But then again, I can talk to anyone, anywhere about just about anything! Yeah, I'm one of those people who strikes up conversations in the line at the grocery store!

And I think bars are a bad place to meet people - most of the guys there are looking to score or are already married/engaged/or otherwise involved. Parties are better, events and clubs are good (some are free - like the greenbelt's single hikes), friends, the gym, heck - even the grocery store or home depot! I've been hit on at Home Depot and Loews quite a few times! Gotta like a guy that can help me fix things around the house!
 
Old 10-08-2009, 01:22 PM
 
5,860 posts, read 6,629,616 times
Reputation: 1798
Quote:
Originally Posted by lialleycat View Post
Um, what's wrong with approaching the nicer, more humble guys yourself? I'm not too shabby in the looks dept either, so I learned that you have to go up to and talk to the guys that interest you. They won't get it that you're interested at first, but eventually they'll catch on!

Also, I disagree with the dismissal of the online dating thing. Yeah, sometimes it doesn't work out - but I don't consider meeting someone new a waste of time. If there aren't sparks, there aren't - but maybe you can gain a friend - or at the very least - just have a night out and laugh about how mismatched it was later. But then again, I can talk to anyone, anywhere about just about anything! Yeah, I'm one of those people who strikes up conversations in the line at the grocery store!

And I think bars are a bad place to meet people - most of the guys there are looking to score or are already married/engaged/or otherwise involved. Parties are better, events and clubs are good (some are free - like the greenbelt's single hikes), friends, the gym, heck - even the grocery store or home depot! I've been hit on at Home Depot and Loews quite a few times! Gotta like a guy that can help me fix things around the house!
I generally always do the approaching.

Not looking for friends, I have enough.

Not always. My guy friends are not like that at all and they go to bars. I am not like that and I go to bars. My parents met a bar and are married 34 years. My sister met her boyfriend at a bar. I don't necessarily think a bar is a bad place just like I don't necessarily think a book store is a good place.

I don't really think good-looking 20-somethings are hanging out at single's events.
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