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Old 02-28-2011, 12:48 PM
 
277 posts, read 378,267 times
Reputation: 273

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LOL @ this post. Let me guess your husband is white?
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Declezville, CA
16,806 posts, read 39,810,613 times
Reputation: 17679
Quote:
Originally Posted by maria4 View Post
I saw American History X and it scared the hell out of me since I'm Asian. Looks like neo nazism is on the rise in CA.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maria4 View Post
I guess you're right, there's racism all over and it's kind of nutty making a decision based on that.
It's also kind of nutty basing your opinion of an area on what you see in a fictional Hollywood film...
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:51 PM
 
Location: Sometimes Portland, other times LA
600 posts, read 1,464,802 times
Reputation: 247
Sounds like there are other issues that need to be discussed before you decide if its going to be Burbank or San Diego. And unless you choose to live in gang territory you will rarely run into stuff like that. If you want to move somewhere where everyone is white and no real gang problem move to Portland. Course you would have to deal with the skinhead issue....
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Old 02-28-2011, 12:58 PM
 
4,213 posts, read 8,275,468 times
Reputation: 2680
The nutty thing is your husband.

American History X came out in the 90s and has nothing to do with Los Angeles - All Hollywood films take place in LA because its easier for them to shoot it. MS-13 is in certain parts of town and doesn't give a crap about Asians. It's Latin/Black violence.
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Old 02-28-2011, 01:29 PM
 
10 posts, read 19,556 times
Reputation: 10
holy s&^%!! I am seeing things in a whole new way. I am so glad I posted on this board!! he loves Portland and he is white. But I do love him, very much. he depends on me right now but hopefully he'll get his finances straight soon. it is a big burden on me and he needs to resolve them soon, it's a lot of work supporting someone and I cannot do this forever, it's getting kind of crazy. I am so glad I don't have kids!!
he says that me wanting to move to LA is because I am having a mid life crisis. Am I? I just love CA and the sun and I'm getting old and it's cold here and you live only once. I was just so happy there. maybe it's just me thinking the grass is greener.
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Old 02-28-2011, 01:57 PM
 
Location: L.A., CA
89 posts, read 214,494 times
Reputation: 82
It doesn't sound to me like you're nuts. It sounds like you want something different from what your husband wants.

You're right: You only live once. And you don't have to listen to me, or to anyone else here - we've never met you, after all - but take it from someone who's had far too many friends crying on her shoulder: Supporting someone like you're supporting your husband breeds resentment. The longer you do it, the less likely he's going to start pulling his financial weight. The fact that he's cutting you down by saying it's "just" a midlife crisis indicates that he's willing to manipulate you into sticking around and devoting your time and energy into supporting his sitting around the house.

Some relationships end not because the people don't love each other, but because the people grow to want different things. It sounds like you and your husband want different things, and that he's acting like what he wants is more important than what you want.

Again, I don't know you - and you certainly don't have to listen to me - but it really sounds like you and your husband need to figure out what you both want out of life and out of this relationship. Otherwise, whatever happens, one of you will end up resenting the other.

While you're taking care of him, don't forget to take care of yourself.
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:24 PM
 
10 posts, read 19,556 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by obscure reference View Post
It doesn't sound to me like you're nuts. It sounds like you want something different from what your husband wants.

You're right: You only live once. And you don't have to listen to me, or to anyone else here - we've never met you, after all - but take it from someone who's had far too many friends crying on her shoulder: Supporting someone like you're supporting your husband breeds resentment. The longer you do it, the less likely he's going to start pulling his financial weight. The fact that he's cutting you down by saying it's "just" a midlife crisis indicates that he's willing to manipulate you into sticking around and devoting your time and energy into supporting his sitting around the house.

Some relationships end not because the people don't love each other, but because the people grow to want different things. It sounds like you and your husband want different things, and that he's acting like what he wants is more important than what you want.

Again, I don't know you - and you certainly don't have to listen to me - but it really sounds like you and your husband need to figure out what you both want out of life and out of this relationship. Otherwise, whatever happens, one of you will end up resenting the other.

While you're taking care of him, don't forget to take care of yourself.
I greatly appreciate the insight. When you say "it breeds resentment" on whose part do you mean? I do resent him sometimes. But does he resent me? Is it like he wants to bite the hand that feeds him? Good God this is like a can of worms. he drinks. he says he's been trying to stop drinking. Jesus! Will I ever get out then? I feel tied down by my love for him. I keep thinking of his needs first. What's wrong with me?
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Here&There
2,209 posts, read 4,212,026 times
Reputation: 2438
Holy mother, just my opinion, from what you've said -- he seems like an ass. If you're compliant to your husband's wishes then don't even contemplate moving to the whole state of California; there be Mexicans everywhere. And you got a 2 in 1 deal when you married the guy, you have a husband and a child all in one.
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Sometimes Portland, other times LA
600 posts, read 1,464,802 times
Reputation: 247
"breeds resentment" means it will only anger you more and more that you are supporting this dead weight and he does nothing in return. That anger builds up over time and will cause you to lash out at him. And I dont know how much he drinks but that just adds fuel to the fire. Is he an alcoholic/addict? I think you should speak to a counselor
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Old 02-28-2011, 03:02 PM
 
Location: L.A., CA
89 posts, read 214,494 times
Reputation: 82
What's "wrong" with you is what's "wrong" with a lot of us: We're so focused on trying to put other people's needs before our own that we don't recognize when our own aren't being met.

I think that in general, putting other people's needs first is a good thing; it's what makes society work. But that breaks down when someone expects you to put his needs first, and then doesn't respond in kind.

You say he says he's "trying to stop drinking." Is he in a program, or seeing an addiction counselor? If his actions don't match his words, then he's probably just telling you what he thinks you want to hear so that you'll keep supporting him. If he truly wants to stop drinking and can't, then your husband is likely an addict - and addicts are brilliant manipulators.

I'm thinking of three brilliant, compassionate women I know who all spent way too long supporting guys. They loved their guys, and saw their potential - but at some point, realized that what they wanted out of life wasn't even a factor in their relationships. Within a year of that realization, they were all out of the relationships. None of them just walked away; they all took some time talking to counselors to solidify what it was that they wanted.

Your husband is the only one who can tell you if he resents you - but, honestly, I don't think it matters. What matters is that you resent him, and with very good reason. Resentment is occasionally something to "get over," but in relationships, it can also be a sign that things just aren't working.

See if he'll come with you to a couple's counselor. If he won't, then go alone. You take care of you for a while.
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