Real Mainers (Kennebunk, Camden, Bar Harbor: crime, houses, camps)

[bigchuckie]

My Mom emailed this to me and I thought it was kinda funny.

The Maine Turnpike began a new program this summer where they handed out
>> fliers titled "Welcome to Vacationland."
>> These fliers will be handed out to all cars with license plates from
>> Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, and New Jersey.
>>
>> The fliers state the following rules for visiting Maine:
>>
>> 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work
>> before breakfast than you did all week in the gym.
>>
>> 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slowly you drive, you're
>> going to get dust on your BMW. We have four wheel drive because we need it. Now
>> drive, or get out of the way.
>>
>> 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah,
>> we saw "Bambi" We got over it.
>>
>> 4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
>> your butt kicked...by our women.
>>
>> 5. Pull your pants up, and turn that hat around. You look like an idiot.
>>
>> 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
>> final approach, we will shoot it. You best pray that it's not up by your ear at
>> that time!
>>
>> 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
>> rare.
>> Order a two-pound lobster and steamers. Or, if you still want vegetables,
>> you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey
>> covering it
>>
>> 8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar
>> and a long spoon.
>>
>> 9. If you bring Coke into our houses, it had better be brown, wet, and
>> served over ice.
>>
>> 10. So you have a $60,000 car. Yippee. We're real impressed. We have
>> quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.
>>
>> 11. Let's get this straight: we have one stoplight in town. We stop when
>> it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. Hell, we may even stop when it's
>> green if we see something interesting across the road.
>>
>> 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So you
>> say you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? For the record, Margaret Chase Smith,
>> Olympia Snowe, and Susan Collins have all represented Maine in the U.S.
>> Senate. How many women have represented your feminist-enlightened state?
>>
>> 13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams, and haddock, too. If you want
>> sushi and caviar, they're available at the bait shop.
>>
>> 14. They are called pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get used
>> to it. If you don't like it, there are two lanes on the Maine Turnpike and Route
>> One...take the southbound one.
>>
>> 15. "Opening Day" refers to the first of fishin' and deer season. They
>> are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church...at 3 A.M.
>>
>> 16. So what if everyone in a pickup waves at you? It's called being
>> friendly. How does that concept rate where you come from?
>>
>> 17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit the water hazards. It spooks
>> the fish and the turtles.
>>
>> 18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red
>> chowder until you're somewhere safely south of White Plains.
>>
>> 19. All the boats in Maine point in the same direction because that's
>> what harbor masters are trained to do.
>>
>> 20. The farthest you got is Ogunquit? That isn't real Maine
>> That's northern Massachusetts.
>>
>> 21. Yeah, the paper mills emit a smell like rotting cabbage Do you want
>> it closed down? Bad odor means good people are working.
>>
>> 22. Bar Harbor, Camden, and Kennebunkport are really tourist traps which
>> no self-respecting Mainer visits, but won't tell you that because we want
>> your money Besides, how else will we unload all those "authentic" Maine
>> artifacts that were made in Taiwan?
>>
>> 23. You'll notice when there are seagulls flying overhead, the locals
>> don't stop to look up at them because of two things: bird poop and gravity.
>>
>> 24. Cars with Massachusetts license plates are treated with great
>> respect, and given a wide berth, as everyone knows M*******s can't drive.
>>
>>
>> Welcome to Maine...The Way Life Should Be.
>>
>> Now Go Home.
>>

[msina]

I Love it! Too funny.

[dramamama6685]

THat's good stuff! Thanks so much for my first chuckle of the day!

[island mermaid]

Perfect!

[Maine Writer]

Sounds right to me!

[corgis]

I love it!!!

[DavidoftheNorth]

I think we forgot one:

>>25. Before you go back home, please spend as much money as you can; our welfare system depends on it, and they will love you for >>it!

[mrswiz]

We have a similar "set of rules" in Florida...too bad it never worked!

WAY too many people who vacation here think that's what it's like in the real world...and end up staying permanently.
Hence the water shortages, the concrete jungles, the low-lifes who come here to live their lives of crime because at least it's warm all year...
At least Maine has a built-in reality check every winter...lucky for you guys!

[starwalker]

very funny!

FWIW, my truck got to be a REAL truck today on some of the back-back roads... following realtor directions to check out some camps. Once I did have to back up and turn around, 'cause I came to a REAL 4wd place -- but I had made a wrong turn too and the property I was looking for was down a somewhat less rocky road.

It was fun! I haven't been on roads like that in over 10 yrs, since I left WA.

[mollysmiles]

Star, I'm so glad your trip is going well. I've been reading along on Maine Today....keep up the great job!