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Everyone, thanks. This is my final post on a topic I've profited so much from even though it's "heavy." Therapy is heavy, I guess, and I'm using an anonymous forum as therapy because it's free, and I'm not rich.
Submariner hit the nail on the head when he asked if I need to be around people. Any sane person needs human society to remain sane, but hard knocks and other life-accidents make me need less of it than almost anyone I know. Maineguy's outlook (which Submariner seems to share) really appeals to me, about the distaste of one town merging with another, and another, and another. That is exactly what I hated about the southern and western cities I lived in (L.A., Denver, West Palm, and Norfolk). The claustrophobia caused by overpopulation where I currently live--oh, it's just awful. There's no sign population growth will cease anytime soon, and if you don't think the misery of your surroundings doesn't make your personal misery worse--you ain't lived in no Rust Belt. (I'm getting the hang of City Data and posted today on the Automotive forum about how to install sub-zero automobile surveillance cameras after my quarter panel was sliced.)
I appreciate Elston tremendously for echoing all the doubts I already have. But two nights ago, I Googled "geographical cure" and was surprised by how many sites say the concept shouldn't be disparaged. I disparaged it with "empirical" data from my moves to southern or western places I found uncongenial, not realizing the experiment's variables, so to speak, were flawed, because I traveled in directions where Americans are brainwashed that people should go to get a "new lease on life." Maine is many things, but it is not one of those places. No one says, "Wow, if you really want vibrant, active, fun in the sun, move to the Canadian border."
Today, just the act of writing jogged memories that finally got to the root of my Maine obsession. I recalled my only solo road trip with my father, when I was seven, to the Adirondacks and New England, on his extended job search. I was still of an age where a tomboy can just jump in the car and hit the road if Daddy asks, and only today did I realize the power of that experience. I never fell out of love with the North because of a trip fifty years old, with the analog radio tuned to French stations and my nerves calmed with stories of the Marines and all the neat things you see when you go to countries where people don't speak your language.
There's a word, "liminal," that indicates a person is neither "here nor there." For any mourner to claim he or she is not in a liminal state, where the pull of the grave is as strong as the will to live, is for that person in my opinion to be in denial. Since I know I'm so vulnerable, writing is the safe and money-saving way I deal with this incredibly lonely "place" neither PA nor ME. And to all that add the fact that I would relocate with sufficient but by no means boundless funds.
I've contacted development companies and realtors; and Thank you all so so much for allowing me to have this dialogue. I'd appreciate if those of you who believe in prayers to keep me in them; and if I make it to Maine, I will come back to City Data and add to all your reps.
Not sure if you'll read this, OP, but two cents: Sometimes these grief and other events [ie, re: sibling estrangement] are part of a bigger catalyst TO move. Not b/c you are embracing creating a great new life somewhere, or want to escape grief or the past. But simply the middle road of opening the mind to a new phase of life experience. In this sense, it really doesn't matter WHAT the motivation is: to get away or to plan the new, as examples.
People sometimes refer to geographical cures as a negative; really, though, new perspective and 'cures' are bound to come through relocation. Whether or not someone is using that as a perpetual distraction to avoid themselves, is really a personal question. I think this is where the negative connotation to geographical cure came from.
In my view, there's also the 'going round and round in circles' and 'beating a dead horse' scenario, too. Someone, such as in your case, has lived out a cycle and the reality has made itself clear. That sounds like fresh start is all but ordered!
Throughout history, humans have migrated/moved/explored-due to persecution, boredom, lack of opportunity and yea a few people escaping past mistakes or the law. While *most* people may stay within their culture/support/family community, there are those who do not. I think geographical cure somehow tries to 'normalize' staying in one place as though its relative stability is the best value and/or reflects on a peron's character as responsible or successful. This term also does not seem to take into account the fact that humanity has always seen moving and migration, throughout its history, and usually (but not always) due to painful events of one sort or another. In this way, relocation may be part of the human condition, and a great option to have, at that!
I'm sure others will read this thread in future research, so I figured I'd add my two cents. (:
Cheers and good luck!
ps-I think more people than not (myself included among hte several on this thread), may have experienced family estrangement after parent death, and/or estate craziness. It's not so uncommon after all.
Set aside your wondering. You can analyze until your time is done on earth and then it would be just one person's or doctor's or counselor's opinion and relatively meaningless.
The course of life is to become orphaned. You have reached a milestone with miles more to go.
You are burning daylight.
Time to ask yourself what you want, how and where you want to live.
What do you want to see when you look out the window while having breakfast?
What do you want to see when you step out your front door?
What pleases you?
Time for you to flourish as God intended. Your parents want you to be happy and are nearby encouraging you as only those that have passed can do. Your parents have been given the absolute insight those who have passed are given. they no longer pass judgement. They received the answers at the back of the book to the questions that have perplexed them and everyone else all their lives. Their eyes have been opened to all knowledge and their eartly confusion is now gone.
Get yourself situated, follow your passion and maybe in time other will take youir example and begin to heal.
Time for you to live, start living and enjoy every day.
Moving to a new locale has its merits, however, your baggage is well labeled and on its way to your new location. It rejects being orphaned by you.
Set aside your wondering. You can analyze until your time is done on earth and then it would be just one person's or doctor's or counselor's opinion and relatively meaningless.
The course of life is to become orphaned. You have reached a milestone with miles more to go.
You are burning daylight.
Time to ask yourself what you want, how and where you want to live.
What do you want to see when you look out the window while having breakfast?
What do you want to see when you step out your front door?
What pleases you?
Time for you to flourish as God intended. Your parents want you to be happy and are nearby encouraging you as only those that have passed can do. Your parents have been given the absolute insight those who have passed are given. they no longer pass judgement. They received the answers at the back of the book to the questions that have perplexed them and everyone else all their lives. Their eyes have been opened to all knowledge and their eartly confusion is now gone.
Get yourself situated, follow your passion and maybe in time other will take youir example and begin to heal.
Time for you to live, start living and enjoy every day.
Moving to a new locale has its merits, however, your baggage is well labeled and on its way to your new location. It rejects being orphaned by you.
The course of life is to become orphaned
Great quote-well said!!!
I think flourish is an apt description, as well. Moving with the river of time and living one's life has its merits(:
I think living the same exact life, location and people can be over rated, too...depends on the person and what 'flourishing' is for him/her.
Set aside your wondering. You can analyze until your time is done on earth and then it would be just one person's or doctor's or counselor's opinion and relatively meaningless.
The course of life is to become orphaned. You have reached a milestone with miles more to go.
You are burning daylight.
Time to ask yourself what you want, how and where you want to live.
What do you want to see when you look out the window while having breakfast?
What do you want to see when you step out your front door?
What pleases you?
Time for you to flourish as God intended. Your parents want you to be happy and are nearby encouraging you as only those that have passed can do. Your parents have been given the absolute insight those who have passed are given. they no longer pass judgement. They received the answers at the back of the book to the questions that have perplexed them and everyone else all their lives. Their eyes have been opened to all knowledge and their eartly confusion is now gone.
Get yourself situated, follow your passion and maybe in time other will take youir example and begin to heal.
Time for you to live, start living and enjoy every day.
Moving to a new locale has its merits, however, your baggage is well labeled and on its way to your new location. It rejects being orphaned by you.
Right on! Without going into too much detail I have had way too much experience with severe prolonged grief: death of a child, subsequent death of a marriage, recent death of a much-loved mother. The single thing I have learned is that "grief" doesn't go away because facts are facts: hard things happened, and short of re-wiring your brain, you won't forget. However, having said that, for what it's worth, I will pass on what one of the wisest, kindest of grief counselors told me that has proven truer than true:
A) the process of grief is learning how to live with "it"--over time it gets easier
B) grief is unpredictable: sometimes it goes for good, sometimes you will have bad patches for many years, but they don't bring you to your knees forever. Each person is different, and each grief is different.
C) the day comes when you quite literally make the decision to re-enter normal life as best you can.
On that day, do it. There will be many two-steps-forward, five-steps-back times, but don't beat yourself up, just keep going.
A geographical change won't make your baggage go away. It is what it is: it's your package. You will, after all, unpack those boxes, and with them memories good, horrible, neutral. When the objects that tied you to an old "before" time regain just a little bit of neutrality--when you can look at them without being too deeply reminded--good! You will never forget, but you won't be flattened.
In my case, I am thinking very hard about moving within the next twelve months. I live in a coastal town on the North Shore of Boston. I need a smaller house, not too far from my "home" area so I can visit a lot, and in a tax-friendly location. I've done tons of research on income taxes, property tax rates all over NH and Maine, cities and towns in both. I know the back roads between where I live and some of the prettiest towns in Massachusetts, southern NH, and southern Maine like the back of my hand. It's my home region, and for good or ill, I love it. But I can't afford the town I live in--my property taxes are as high as most NH towns, and I have both state income and sales taxes. And I'm on a small, fixed income, staring at (if I'm lucky) my last twenty years.
In the last ten years, one thing really resonated. The single thing that kept my mother out of a nursing home in her old age was that she owned her own home. She didn't have a lot, but she was thrifty beyond belief and basically kept her freedom until the day she died. She's my model. If I have to move to lower my costs and keep my freedom, so be it. (Yes, I know: I could get ill or become incapacitated. You can't predict or control events, but you can influence likely outcomes...let's set that aside for the moment.)
I have been blessed beyond description by an island off the coast of Maine. It's a haul from parts of Harpswell to the nearest town (Brunswick), the winters are the same as mine (long and grizzly), and it's been nearly bought out by people from away with more money than sense, or by wealthy summercators. But in nearly 40 years of visiting there, I've learned a lot about Maine. And when I go there I have a sense of homecoming as strong as I have walking in my back door right now.
Before you move to Maine, I suggest you visit. Read town annual reports. A lot of town websites are loaded with information. Read everything you can about life in your chosen area. A book I highly recommend re island life is "The Lobster Gangs of Maine." In my hard years, people I'd got to know on the island didn't say much, but they put up with my indecisions and restlessness, were unfailingly kind when I was a mess, and frequently looked at me with eyes full of silent understanding and mouths firmly shut: no judgements. That says more than books or town reports.
Nevertheless, you have to have your wits about you when you move to Maine. It's hard if you don't have family and friends. You absolutely have to learn to step out the door. Maine Yankees aren't aloof, but they are somewhat shy and reserved, and they are pretty respectful of personal freedoms. The day someone gives you a hard time about something is the day you've started to settle in: a bunch of tough-as-nails-lobstermen gave me a really hard time about my "foreign" car (a Chevy) and killed themselves laughing because I looked oblivious to the joke: the Mass plates. I was buoyed up no end by that. The teasing wasn't mean at all--it was hilarious. Mainers really value volunteering--if you live in a small town and aren't a true believer in some denomination but volunteer for the ham and beans supper cleanup, you'll make friends fast.
I'm torn between the island or some small town from York up, or a place in NH closer to where I live now. I've crunched numbers to a fare-thee-well. I could tell you all the subtle differences between Maine, NH, and MA property and income taxes. What decisions come down to are both impractical and practical, heart vs. head. It may well be that your grief journey will take you to more than one place. It may equally well be that you land right the first time. You carry your memories wherever you go. But there comes a time when you have to live: your own time is finite, too.
I've learned that I can solve the finances if I'm careful. Here's the heart of the indecision: I love the island, which is "home" in a different way. I fear the isolation when I am old. As it is, I really have a hard time in the dead of winter. I'm a gazillion-generation Yankee and it scares the bleep out of me because I live alone. When you are seventeen miles away from the nearest hospital and on an island that may have only a part-time ambulance service, you'd better get a "lifeline"-type button and make sure they'll send the trauma choppers from Portland if they have to. Same for any small town with a micro-budget. If you live near Portland or any major city, it's not as big an issue.
The great intangible, however, is that I want to be able to visit my daughter's grave. If I'm three hours away in old age, that will be tricky. I've met more than one old-timer with the same problem: where your own are is home ground. No one has the answer to that one. There isn't one.
So yes, leave where you are if you think that will speed up healing. But assess very carefully what you really need. And then, live: and do not be afraid. Make the best decision you can with the information you have, and don't look back. Give it the best shot you can. And if you go back, well, you do. Short of death and taxes, very few things are irrevocable.
I have enjoyed this thread so much. I am 64 and just moved back to Maine after having lived in SC, GA, FL, KS, OH, TN, etc. due to my husband's job. There is no place like Maine IMHO. It will cure what ails you. Don't go further north than Augusta - it's a wilderness. We live in the Brunswick area and could not be happier. There is plenty of peace and quiet, and plenty of opportunity for social interaction and visits to the "big city" of Portland. Winter is amazingly bad so whatever you do, be aware of a rental's utility bills. But once you get used to it, you will realize the wonderful community spirit, the myriad festivals and farmer's markets and the downright breathtaking beauty of the area.
Hope you move here!
I have enjoyed this thread so much. I am 64 and just moved back to Maine after having lived in SC, GA, FL, KS, OH, TN, etc. due to my husband's job. There is no place like Maine IMHO. It will cure what ails you. Don't go further north than Augusta - it's a wilderness. We live in the Brunswick area and could not be happier. There is plenty of peace and quiet, and plenty of opportunity for social interaction and visits to the "big city" of Portland. Winter is amazingly bad so whatever you do, be aware of a rental's utility bills. But once you get used to it, you will realize the wonderful community spirit, the myriad festivals and farmer's markets and the downright breathtaking beauty of the area.
Hope you move here!
Wow, what a thread. I love the idea that "life is to become orphaned." (I mean love it in an "admire" way.)
I agree there's no place like Maine (even though every New England state but Maine and Rhode Island made the Top Ten Healthiest States to live). I moved far north of the Brunswick area, which was just too expensive for me. But I am *so* happy being able to cross the border and meet French people. Quality of life issues vary from person to person, and for me, there's nothing like the chance to learn a new phrase.
I just learned yesterday that "No Parking" is "Defense de Stationner" or "Stationner Interdit." Oh, and I also learned that "wedding ring" is "alliance." I wanna get me an alliance.
I have been blessed beyond description by an island off the coast of Maine. It's a haul from parts of Harpswell to the nearest town (Brunswick), the winters are the same as mine (long and grizzly), and it's been nearly bought out by people from away with more money than sense, or by wealthy summercators. But in nearly 40 years of visiting there, I've learned a lot about Maine. And when I go there I have a sense of homecoming as strong as I have walking in my back door right now.
Aea--
I realize this thread is over a year old. I loved reading your post and wonder if you made the move. One of the first places I investigated was also an island. The issue of maintaining a car on the mainland played a large role in my becoming afraid.
I would really be interested in hearing your experience and may PM you. I haven't seen "Aea" on this board since I moved to Aroostook County.
When grief is spent it makes a large space for renewal. Maine is a huge state that is full of possibilities for renewal. It has every type of geography you could wish for. World-class scenery. Nice people. Endless adventures. You don't need to see it as "escaping from" something negative left behind, but rather "opening up" to many new possibilities for new people and new places.
I think many people get stuck in places, in lives, and with people that no longer suit them. They remain there out of sheer habit and inability to imagine themselves somewhere better. They think that only "other people" run off to Tahiti and become scuba diving instructors. Well, thousands of people do move and find more beautiful places, better living accommodations, better jobs, and more compatible people. Why shouldn't you be one of them? If your life is two-thirds over, make sure you spend the last third doing what makes you happy. Like Wayne Dyer says, "DON'T DIE WITH YOUR MUSIC STILL INSIDE YOU."
When grief is spent it makes a large space for renewal. Maine is a huge state that is full of possibilities for renewal. It has every type of geography you could wish for. World-class scenery. Nice people. Endless adventures. You don't need to see it as "escaping from" something negative left behind, but rather "opening up" to many new possibilities for new people and new places.
I think many people get stuck in places, in lives, and with people that no longer suit them. They remain there out of sheer habit and inability to imagine themselves somewhere better. They think that only "other people" run off to Tahiti and become scuba diving instructors. Well, thousands of people do move and find more beautiful places, better living accommodations, better jobs, and more compatible people. Why shouldn't you be one of them? If your life is two-thirds over, make sure you spend the last third doing what makes you happy. Like Wayne Dyer says, "DON'T DIE WITH YOUR MUSIC STILL INSIDE YOU."
You're right: Maine does have every type of geography you could wish for. I hated coastal living in Florida and Virginia's Hampton Roads, hated the flatness, exposure to tropical storms, the never-ending humidity--just everything about living where 10% of the U.S. population lives (within ten miles of an ocean). The gorgeous thing about Maine is that the coastal area doesn't lead to endless flatland, or if it does, the pines make it feel very different.
As for your second point, yesterday I posted on a General Moving thread, where the original poster asked, "What If I Move and the Worst Happens?" I was the first to answer and said that the worst may have happened to me here already. I had relied on Google Maps when I took my new rental sight-unseen, based on photographs of the furnished interior. The interior is beautiful beyond my expectations. However, Google Maps got the location soo wrong. The site indicated a desirable neighborhood (I took screen-shots of the map before writing to Google to tell them hoooww much grief Google Maps brought me). The grief is that the building is in the worst part of town. I can close my doors in the winter and only hope the winter here lasts at least a year.
But you're totally right about taking that chance. I was certain that the last third of my life, had I remained where habit and lack of hope (i.e., despair) had kept me way too long, would end before I turn sixty. The mere belief that I'd die relatively young might very well have killed me. Y'know, many people attribute to age or growing older traits that really have been in a human lifelong. Failure to relocate has as much to do with laziness--I speak and confess from experience--as it has to do with fear of how you'll manage as an "old person" in a new place. Wayne Dyer's advice should have been, Don't die with your music still inside you because of fear that is probably laziness.
Last edited by Purplecow; 12-12-2014 at 02:15 AM..
Reason: forgot parentheses
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