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Old 01-31-2008, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,063,529 times
Reputation: 586

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Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And, worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and, as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.


Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!", the old preacher whispered in disgust. "He's gonna run for Congress!!"

Last edited by Eastport4me; 01-31-2008 at 03:55 PM.. Reason: spacing
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Old 01-31-2008, 04:53 PM
 
Location: Maine
7,728 posts, read 10,813,696 times
Reputation: 8310
Good One!
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Old 01-31-2008, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Maine
5,054 posts, read 10,931,400 times
Reputation: 1853
One day, a young elementary school teacher had the task of introducing her little students to ODD and EVEN numbers. She began her lesson by asking the children, "Has anyone ever heard of odd and even?"

One little girl in the back of the room very slowly and cautiously raised her hand. "Yes, Heather? You've heard of odd and even?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Heather replied. "I heard they got kicked out."

Very confused, the teacher asked her to explain what she meant. The little girl expounded.

"Well, they got kicked out of that garden. You know! The lady ate the apple and they got in a LOT of trouble!"
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:32 PM
 
Location: :0)1 CORINTHIANS,13*"KYRIE, ELEISON!"*"CHRISTE, ELEISON" KYRIE, ELEISON!"0)
2,519 posts, read 4,929,945 times
Reputation: 4251
Thumbs up Hello Elcarim!

Very cute! LOL!

THANKS FOR SHARING & MAKING US LAUGH!


Take care,

Countrylv22




Quote:
Originally Posted by Elcarim View Post
One day, a young elementary school teacher had the task of introducing her little students to ODD and EVEN numbers. She began her lesson by asking the children, "Has anyone ever heard of odd and even?"

One little girl in the back of the room very slowly and cautiously raised her hand. "Yes, Heather? You've heard of odd and even?"

"Yes, Ma'am," Heather replied. "I heard they got kicked out."

Very confused, the teacher asked her to explain what she meant. The little girl expounded.

"Well, they got kicked out of that garden. You know! The lady ate the apple and they got in a LOT of trouble!"
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Old 02-09-2008, 08:54 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,063,529 times
Reputation: 586
A little Maine girl's story.......

One day my mother was out and my Dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water. After several cups of tea and lot s of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'


My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

Last edited by Eastport4me; 02-09-2008 at 08:57 PM.. Reason: remove font
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Old 02-09-2008, 09:06 PM
 
Location: Chaos Central
1,122 posts, read 3,609,406 times
Reputation: 893
Default Senator Goes to Heaven

I sure hope this isn't a duplicate. Seach function couldn't find the keywords...
anywhere, here goes!
=================================================

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. senator is hit by a truck, and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says Saint Peter. "But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see high officials around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent one day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land, covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted."


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Old 02-20-2008, 08:29 AM
 
Location: York Village, Maine
455 posts, read 1,087,908 times
Reputation: 390
Default Computer Terms for Mainers

Yesterday someone my DH works with gave him this.....
1. Log on -- Make the woodstove hotter.
2. Log off -- Don't add no more wood.
3. Monitor -- Keep an eye on that woodstove.
4.Floppy disk -- What you get from downloading all that wood.
5. Hard drive -- Getting home in the winter.
6. Prompt -- What the U.S. mail ain't in the winter.
7. Window -- What to shut when it is cold outside.
8. Screen -- What to shut in black fly season.
9.Byte -- What black flies do.
10. Modem -- What you did to the weeds in the driveway.
11. Laptop -- Where the beer spills when you nod off.
12.Mouse -- What makes holes in the cherrios box.

13. Web -- What a spider makes.
13. Web site -- High corners of the ceiling.
14. Cursor -- Someone who swears.
15. Search Engine -- What you do when the car dies.
16. Screensaver -- repair kit for the torn window screen.
17. Homepage -- Map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the big woods.
18. User -- The neighbor who keeps borrowing you stuff.
19. Online -- good sign there will be clean clothes next week.

20. Browser -- A Moose in the garden!
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Old 02-20-2008, 02:27 PM
 
Location: Maine
7,728 posts, read 10,813,696 times
Reputation: 8310
The owner of a golf course in Maine was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maine, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those women from Maine.
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Old 02-20-2008, 04:45 PM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 6,541,357 times
Reputation: 2972
Talking Maine husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then
installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs
4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
***
DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears
6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of
the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO
NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that
will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not
attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported
applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a
great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot
Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
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Old 02-20-2008, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Maine
7,728 posts, read 10,813,696 times
Reputation: 8310
LOL!! Excellant
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