Jokes! (Hope: loan, to move, food)

[Eastport4me]

Scottish by birth, British by law, a Highlander by the grace of God.

It is said that all Scots have a sense of humor- because it is a free gift !

[RMoore007]

Please don't look if you are squeamish or have a delicate digestive process.
http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/f.../brutality.jpg

[Eastport4me]

Answering machine message

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

[Eastport4me]

Answering machine message 30

Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.

[Eastport4me]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

[Eastport4me]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn`t do a fling with it.

Why do pipers like to march as they play the bagpipes? A moving target is harder to hit.

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, `What are you doing there, Hughie?` `My goldfish died,` replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, `and I`ve just buried him.` The English neighbour was very concerned. `That`s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn`t it?` Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, `That`s because he`s inside your cat.`

[Eastport4me]

An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whiskey. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,`` may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.`` The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: `` no thanks, I`ll just wait till the Police get here."

[countrylv22]

LOL! LOL! LOL!

THANK YOU FOR THE POSTS ON ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

THEY ARE SOO FUNNY!! I AM STILL LAUGHING!!

THANKS FOR THE LAUGH!! I REALLY NEEDED THAT TODAY!!

Take care,

THANK YOU!

Have a great day & evening everyone!!

Countrylv22

Originally Posted by MEnME

Answering machine message

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

[Eastport4me]

Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it`s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don`t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

[Eastport4me]

Answering machine message 29

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.