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Old 04-08-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Maine
5,054 posts, read 10,933,280 times
Reputation: 1853

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OMG! How have I missed the answering machine messages like that? I only ever get the boring ones!!
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Old 04-09-2008, 02:06 PM
 
8,760 posts, read 16,113,010 times
Reputation: 3486
Humor: Letter from a Marine Recruit

Be sure to read all the way to the very end - it's worth the moment it'll take. And enjoy!

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave, but it is not so bad--there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches" the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best fighter they got except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Betty Sue
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Old 04-09-2008, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Maine
7,728 posts, read 10,815,601 times
Reputation: 8310
Love It !!!
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,063,759 times
Reputation: 586
CATHOLIC GASOLINE

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block a way. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm becoming a Catholic.''

Last edited by Eastport4me; 04-10-2008 at 03:16 PM.. Reason: remove format
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:37 PM
 
Location: West Michigan
12,084 posts, read 33,148,283 times
Reputation: 16733
Why do leprechauns laugh when they run?




The grass tickles their privates.
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:48 PM
 
Location: York Village, Maine
455 posts, read 1,088,096 times
Reputation: 390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bydand View Post
Why do leprechauns laugh when they run?




The grass tickles their privates.

ROTFLMAO
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Old 04-11-2008, 02:54 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,063,759 times
Reputation: 586
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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Old 04-12-2008, 06:31 PM
 
Location: Florida&Eastport
612 posts, read 1,063,759 times
Reputation: 586
Next Of Kin

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. O'Toole, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, sorry, I don't have any insurance," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun persisted. "Just my sister in America" he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. O'Toole. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God." "Wonderful," said O'Toole. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Old 05-04-2008, 07:36 PM
 
Location: Maine
5,054 posts, read 10,933,280 times
Reputation: 1853
So, how DO you get there from here?

McLogic gone VERY wrong!
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Jokes!-so-how-do-you-get-there   Jokes!-mclogic-gone-very-wrong.bmp  
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Old 05-04-2008, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Maine
5,054 posts, read 10,933,280 times
Reputation: 1853
Cow suicides, I guess.

Don't drink and make signs!
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Jokes!-cow-suicides-i-guess.bmp   Jokes!-dont-drink-make-signs.bmp  
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