Jokes! (Wayne: restaurant, law, shops)

[Asta]

The teacher gave her 5th grade class an assignment: "Have your parents tell a story with a moral at the end." The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."

[Labamba]

Asta - great stories! You should consider going on the road!

[Asta]

I found some more Hollywood Squares one-liners from Paul Lynde! Have a good day!

Q: You're the world's most popular fruit. What are you?
Lynde: Humble.

Q: As any good boat enthusiast knows, that when a man falls out of a boat, you yell "man overboard." Now, what should you yell if a woman falls out of a boat?
Lynde: Full speed ahead!

Q: A cub scout holds up two fingers. A boy scout holds up three fingers. What does a girl scout hold up?
Lynde: Well, that just depends on how many cookies you buy.

Q: Why do the Hell's Angels wear leather?
Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles so easily.

Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"?
Lynde: Alice. And her mother is sick about it.

Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the Lion wanted courage and the Tin Man wanted a heart. What did the Scarecrow want??
Lynde: He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Q: Paul, how many men on a hockey team?
Lynde: Oh, about half.

Q: Why was Nathan Hale hung?
Lynde: Heredity.

Q: True or false: in the recent world kissing contest in England, two contestants were disqualified when they got too passionate.
Lynde: Yes, but they went on to win in three other categories.

Q: You’re equipped with a pick, a sieve, and a shallow pan. What are you about to do?
Lynde: Joan Crawford's eyebrows.

[mensaguy]

Male or Female?

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female Ha! You thought it would be "male". But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

[mensaguy]

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[mensaguy]

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

[RMoore007]

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces. Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
__________________

[amacop]

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy . ...

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

[amacop]

Idiot Quote of the Century

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the World. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.

- Barack Obama

[amacop]

BAPTIST DINNER

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted
To get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo
All the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But Mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some Of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.'She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet Decided to give it a try.
She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and Diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back Porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot Ate every bite.
All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild Mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady From town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy Little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, Socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the Helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she Called the doctor and told him what had happened.The doctor said, 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will Call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's Stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the Road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a Stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the Bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachAfter the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and About this time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, That fellow that ran over Ol'Spot never even stopped.