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Old 06-14-2008, 09:12 PM
 
Location: Steuben, Maine
78 posts, read 143,807 times
Reputation: 82

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For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A rerun of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more

RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late
for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in !'
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'Dust!'
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn 't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, 'God Bless'
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:56 AM
 
Location: 43.55N 69.58W
3,231 posts, read 6,541,357 times
Reputation: 2972
Very nice amacop, and yes I'm old enough to remember. Thanks for the giggle.
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Old 06-16-2008, 06:24 AM
 
Location: WV and Eastport, ME
10,277 posts, read 10,383,387 times
Reputation: 6937
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: You can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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Old 06-16-2008, 02:49 PM
 
230 posts, read 797,334 times
Reputation: 371
Default Oldie but goodie

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot...

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140-pound Rottweiler Jesus."
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Old 07-23-2008, 01:52 PM
 
230 posts, read 797,334 times
Reputation: 371
Default Another blonde joke

A ventriloquist was performing his act in a nightclub, and just as he started to tell a blonde joke, he was interrupted by a woman in the audience. "I can't believe you are going to tell a stupid blonde joke," the woman said. "As a blonde woman, I find them offensive and derogatory, and I also am offended by your attempt to base my self-worth solely upon something as insignificant as the color of my hair!"

The ventriloquist, surprised and embarrased, started to stammer out an apology when he was again interrupted by the woman. "You mind your own business, mister," she yelled angrily. "I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"
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Old 08-03-2008, 06:28 PM
 
Location: Steuben, Maine
78 posts, read 143,807 times
Reputation: 82
The Silent Generation...
[SIZE=5]people born between
1925 and 1945.

[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]The Baby Boomers[/SIZE][SIZE=5]...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]people born between
1946 and 1964.

[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]Generation X[/SIZE][SIZE=5]...
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]people born between
1965 and 1982.

[/SIZE]
[SIZE=5]Generation Y[/SIZE][SIZE=5]...[/SIZE][SIZE=5]
people born between
1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people
Generation Y?
I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's
explanation! A picture is worth a thousand words.
[/SIZE]

[SIZE=5][/SIZE][SIZE=1][/SIZE]

Last edited by picmod; 01-10-2014 at 03:54 AM..
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Old 08-03-2008, 06:30 PM
 
Location: Steuben, Maine
78 posts, read 143,807 times
Reputation: 82
10 commandments of marriage
(actually more like 10 aphorisms of marriage, rather than rules)

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man
speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and
the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors
listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something
you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and
a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives
treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
thanks to "P S"
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Old 08-03-2008, 09:07 PM
 
Location: Sacramento, CA/Dover-Foxcroft, ME
1,808 posts, read 2,892,417 times
Reputation: 2826
Nice amacop.

Commandment 11
About lying I think.

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.

'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'

She replied.......'Your horse called.'
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Old 08-14-2008, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Sacramento, CA/Dover-Foxcroft, ME
1,808 posts, read 2,892,417 times
Reputation: 2826
Default Home-made Olympics


YouTube - Home-made Olympics
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Old 08-18-2008, 10:02 AM
 
230 posts, read 797,334 times
Reputation: 371
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

' Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the **** off the car!'
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