Jokes! (Portland, Skowhegan: apartment, lawyer, salary)

[Maine Writer]

LOL Oh Alice! I pictured this as I read. That's funny!

[AliceT]

Then there was the house training of a new pup.

I finally had him trained to use the papers while in the house. So one day, I am reading by an open wall (long story) and my dogs are playing outside nearby. All of a sudden, the pup stops playing, runs into the house, goes right to the paper on the floor, relieves himself on it, then goes back outside to resume playing.

Um. My fault. That's kinda what I taught him to do, sorta.

I told NMLM about it and he had a similar problem when he had a pup one winter that was too young to be outside with his older dogs, so it stayed in the laundry room and was let out periodically to take care of business, then brought back in the house. Well, as spring emerged and the snow dissipated, the pup ran frantically around looking for snow to relieve himself on. Soon, there was no snow. The pup "held it" for three days in a vain attempt to find the snow. Apparently, the fact that the older dogs didn't seem to care what they watered and it seemed to be OK with the boss, the young pup finally took a chance and relieved himself before he burst.

Anyone else care to share misadventures in housetraining a pup?

[Abbymoulton]

It is with the saddest of heart that I past on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pilsbury doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and repeated pokes in the belly. He was 72.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased casket. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay thier respects including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisens, Betty Crocker and Capt. Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours as a long time Friend, Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy. She described doughboy as a man sho never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show buisness, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not concidered a very smart cookie. wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was concidered a roll model by many.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough; two children John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Maine Writer]

A blond is stopped behind a truck at a stop light in Bangor when she notices he's losing his load. Being a good Samaritan, she jumps out of her car and runs to the truck, bangs on the window and yells, "You're losing your load!" The light changes, the truck starts to pull away and she returns to her car. She catches up to the truck at the next light and oh dear, it's still happening.

She jumps out of her car and runs to the truck, bangs on the window and again yells, "You're losing your load!" The truck driver shakes his head and pulls away. She runs back to her car and wonders if he's hearing her.

At the third light she jumps out of her car and runs to the truck but this time the truck driver is ready for her. He rolls down his window and yells, "I work for DOT! This is the SALT truck!"

[7th generation]

The other night, a few girls I know went out to this "Lady's Club." One of the women wanted to impress the other girls. So, she pulled out a $10 bill.

The male dancer came over to them, so she licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt. Not to be out done, one of the other women pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill, and put it on his other butt cheek.

Now the attention was focused on my friend. What could she do to top that? She got out her wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in her took over. She took out her ATM card, swiped it down the male dancer's crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

[Elcarim]

Now see, after the $50 bill, I'd have just licked his little cheek! Can I say that on here? IF I were into places like that, of course.

[forest beekeeper]

Two Mainiacs walk into a bar. While having some whisky, they talk about their vodka still.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Mainiacs looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallah?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The Mainiac walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Mainiac walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hinny Lick Maneuv-ah' but I ain't nev-ah seed nobody do it!'

[AliceT]

forest, was that you and did your dw hear about it?

[forest beekeeper]

Originally Posted by AliceT

forest, was that you and did your dw hear about it?

No, it was not me who gave the life-saving Hinny-lick Maneuv-ah.

Not that I wouldn't, I would willingly do whatever to save the life of another.

As for my DW, I did read it to her as I typed it.







**FLASH** Eveready Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

[Valley Living]

I got a kick out of this one!!


A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about
>>
>>churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and
>>
>>started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began
>>taking
>>
>>photographs and making notes.
>>
>>
>>
>>He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and
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>>was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."
>>
>>
>>
>>Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the
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>>sign.
>>
>>
>>
>>The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact,
>>
>>a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to
>>
>>God.
>>
>>
>>
>>The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As
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>>he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St.
>>Louis ,
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>>Chicago , Milwaukee
>>, and other states he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same
>>answer from each pastor.
>>
>>
>>
>>Finally, he arrived in MAINE
>>, upon entering a church in
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>>SKOWHEGAN, behold - he saw the usual golden Telephone.
>>
>>
>>
>>This time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
>>
>>
>>
>>Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I
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>>have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
>>
>>have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct
>>
>>line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other
>>
>>churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents
>>
>>a call.
>>
>>
>>
>>Why?"
>>
>>
>>
>>I love this part.........................
>>
>>
>>
>>The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in
>>
>>MAINE
>>now......You're in God's Country, It's a local call."
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>>
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