Jokes! (Portland, Lincoln, Eagle Lake: appliances, hotel, movies)

[Valley Living]

Oh, and this is by far the funiest joke I've heard in a long time! LOL!!!!






Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me"!

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it.

[bignhfamily]

Originally Posted by Valley Living

I got a kick out of this one!!


A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way he continued to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas , St. Louis ,
>>
>>Chicago , Milwaukee
>>, and other states he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in MAINE, upon entering a church in

SKOWHEGAN, behold - he saw the usual golden Telephone.

This time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents
a call.

Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in MAINE now......You're in God's Country, It's a local call."

lol - this one is great!

[bignhfamily]

Originally Posted by Valley Living

Oh, and this is by far the funiest joke I've heard in a long time! LOL!!!!






Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me"!

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it.

and this one's even better!!!

[boonelsewhere]

Valley Living
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, and this is by far the funiest joke I've heard in a long time! LOL!!!!






Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me"!

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started it.

this is funny

[Cornerguy1]

All these jokes have a Maine connection, right? You know, so they're germaine to the Maine forum? (Hint, hint)

[Abbymoulton]

Originally Posted by Cornerguy1

All these jokes have a Maine connection, right? You know, so they're germaine to the Maine forum? (Hint, hint)

Oh Yes....It was a local "Maine" welfare office and I know the obituary about the Pillsbury dough boy was in the York Weekly in York, Maine.

[Eastport4me]

Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."

and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."

Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!

[mensaguy]

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to visit him.
One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick -- shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!"
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The startled male fled into the woods.
"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?

[Eastport4me]

LOL...too funny!! Good joke mensaguy.

[Eastport4me]

Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in an area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he wa no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."