Jokes! (Paris: wedding, college, live)

[moughie]

Couldn't resist!!! These are applicable to anyone in any state of the union or mind. Enjoy

OLDER PEOPLE'S SENSE OF HUMOR

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."


An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been
to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She
hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies
at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and
ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend ?" Bob replies,
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how
did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told
her I was 90."


A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group
a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained
"are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." ;
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry
old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

[elston]

We got a kick out of these. thanks Moughie

[Elcarim]

LOL! Great stuff, M!!

[Jpurvis]

An elderly man was driving a little too fast down the road when he passed a state trooper. The trooper turns around and heads after the man.
He then pulls him over, walks up to the elderly fella's car and say's "Going a little fast there weren't ya? The trooper was feeling a little generous that day and tells him, " If you can come up with a good reason for why you were driving so fast, I will consider letting you go with a warning." The old Man thought for a second and replied, " Well about 25 years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were him and bringing her back.



Now this is one smart lady!!!
There was a couple that had been married for many years. The husband had told his wife over and over that when he died, she was to bury all the money that they had with him. He made her promise time and again to do this.
Well the day came when the Mr had passed away. A few years back during a conversation with a friend, the wife had told of her husband's request to bury him with all their money. So after the funeral, the friend goes to the wife and asks her, Mary, did you do as Fred had asked and bury him with the money? Mary replies, I sure did, I promised and I do not go back on my word. The friend just could not believe Mary did that, leaving herself with no money at all. So she asks her again, trying to gain understanding. Mary assures her, yes, I did. I took all the money he had, opened up a bank account in my name, wrote Fred a check and put it in the coffin with him. If he can cash it, he can have the money.

[msina]

funny stuff!! thanks

[quiet walker]

Originally Posted by moughie

Couldn't resist!!! These are applicable to anyone in any state of the union or mind. Enjoy

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been
to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."

Thanks for this My Dad invaded Normandy Beach along with his countrymen, somehow survived, and made it alive to Paris, where as part of Quartermaster, he was put in charge of one of the four Paris railroad yards (North, South, East and West) moving war and food material in and out. He was Sgt., nco because he didn't have a college degree. He had two Army privates and twenty Frenchmen for his crew. He claimed that he "learned French in twenty minutes" after he was faced with running the yard with these good men. And had some disdain for the officers who went to weekly French language classes and couldn't speak a word.

But anyways, Dad and his two Army privates eventually got around to figuring out how to get each of them a daily egg, off the books, from the supplies that were moving through, although this was a risky and forbidden business. One day, Dad was summoned to the Captain's office, and it was let known that it was probably about the "egg business." Dad was very concerned, as this was wartime, and he could have faced a firing squad for this breach of military rules. He entered the Captain's office and the Captain told him to close the door. And then told my father that if he too (the Captain) could also get a daily egg, then everything would be OK for all of them. Needless to say arrangements were made and everyone was happy

[quiet walker]

Grafitti written on a wall...

MAKE BREAD NOT BOMBS!

And this is all scratched out and underneath is written...

TRIED BREAD... DIDN'T EXPLODE!

qw (who grew up during the 60's)

[Eastport4me]

LOL...thanks for the jokes.

[countrylv22]

GREAT JOKES! EVERYONE!


Thanks MOUGHIE for posting this!


Countrylv22

Originally Posted by moughie

Couldn't resist!!! These are applicable to anyone in any state of the union or mind. Enjoy

OLDER PEOPLE'S SENSE OF HUMOR

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."


An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French
customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been
to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport
ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to
show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on
arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard
look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any
Frenchmen to show it to."


Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She
hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies
at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and
ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend ?" Bob replies,
"Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how
did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told
her I was 90."


A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group
a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained
"are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." ;
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" A spry
old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

[quiet walker]

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.
At the end of the tour he is shown into a ward with a number
of patients who show no signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man
proclaims "Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin' race!"

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next
patient, who immediately launches into:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The next patient sits up and declaims:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering bl'attle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle."

"Well" says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague "I see
you saved the psychiatric ward for the last".

"No, no" the Scottish doctor corrects him "This is the Serious
Burns Unit"