Jokes- Keep em clean please (school, university, gated)

[CoastalMaine]

The Lemon

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders,
but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter. After the laughter had died down, the bartender said,

"Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops
fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man,

"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

[moughie]

LOL! Great one coastal maine! It wouldn't let me rep you this time around....

[dramamama6685]

OMg.. good stuff. I feel like a lemon all of a sudden.... I wonder why?

[Maine Writer]

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

[Maineah]

It's so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!!

[corgis]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The Wife replied: “I IMAGINE THAT WOULD BE THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR”

[CoastalMaine]

hahahahahaha Loved ALL these!!!

Here's one I just received in an email:

Pregnant Turkey

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from
the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back
in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE

[Maine Writer]

Someone asked if the poults (baby turkeys) at Blue Seal were weaned yet. Now think about that for a sec...

[tapestry]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier. John, in
desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep, was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I 'm sincerely remorseful and I fully intend to do everything
I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask
the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird said,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

*tap*

[virginia farm girl]

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Hope you enjoyed -- HAPPY THANKSGIVING!