Jokes- Keep em clean please (Clinton, Naples: tornado, military, bill)

[RANGER.101ST]

my wife flushed my rowgaine and my viagra down the toilet now i got a hairy toilet seat that wont go down.

[retiredtinbender]

An Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pre-flight check, the pilot discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is now a little less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

As he's leaving the plane, the angry aircraft commander stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and lack of performance has caused this flight to be late. I am personally going to see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect; I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job is to pump **** out of your aircraft latrine.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind!?!?!?

[retiredtinbender]

You find out interesting things when you have sons, such as:
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department at McGuire AFB has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[dramamama6685]

Very cute, retired.

[retiredtinbender]

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!
Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

[chaosX5]

Originally Posted by retiredtinbender

You find out interesting things when you have sons, such as:
1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8 Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department at McGuire AFB has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Are you spying on us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a few here my boys will never be allowed to hear

[retiredtinbender]

Originally Posted by chaosX5

Are you spying on us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a few here my boys will never be allowed to hear

Nope, I just have a lot of experience at being one of those. Well, with the antiquated stuff we had back then anyway.

[wordsmith680]

[SIZE=2]Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.[/SIZE][SIZE=2]

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks
10 cents.'

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be
true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on
in and let me pour one for you!

'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a
martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis..

' Shaken, not stirred', and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a
dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good
as these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer,
it's all the same.'

'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front
of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired folks from Maine. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=2] They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
[/SIZE]

[retiredtinbender]

Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.

The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."

The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

[wordsmith680]

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Provincial, City & County Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are as enlightened as I am.