Jokes- Keep em clean please (appointed, rent, lawyers)

[island mermaid]

hahahahah lololol .... that was wicked funny!


out of breathe, over here....

[CoastalMaine]

Originally Posted by wordsmith680

[SIZE=2]Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida.[/SIZE][SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - all drinks[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]10 cents.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]true.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]in and let me pour one for you![/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]'What'll it be, Gentlemen?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men asks for a [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis..[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]' Shaken, not stirred', and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Then look at each other...They can't believe their good luck.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]dollar.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]as these for a dime a piece?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said, and I always [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer,[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]it's all the same.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]'Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and [/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2]The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired folks from Maine. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=2] They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'[/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][/SIZE]

I have a friend who was born and raised in Maine... 44 years before he left for Cape Cod and I swear to God, HE would be at the end of that bar too waiting for the half priced drinks!!!!!! ROFLMAO!!! I can't wait to tell him this joke! Thanks~

[starwalker]

Q: How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A: A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

borrowed from my daughter's blog; she saw it on Twitter and it gave her a chuckle...

[retiredtinbender]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ. They finally made it to the EmeraldCity and went to find the Great Wizard. “What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."
“No Problem!” said the Wizard “Who‘s next?”

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done!” says the Wizard. “Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped George Bush and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain." "No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

[GarlicGuy]

Originally Posted by starwalker

Q: How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?

A: A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
.

Now I"m offended.......

[virginia farm girl]

http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u16/gregg1971/SchmidtHouse.jpg (broken link)

http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u16/gregg1971/non-animated%20gifs/114.gif (broken link)

[dramamama6685]

Originally Posted by virginia farm girl

Awesome!!!!

[melinuxfool]

Mr. Perkins come down to my place this mornin', and asked me if I would build him a new privy.

I said, "Mr. Perkins, where was you aimin' for to build it?"

He said, "To the side of the lot, by the lilacs. And that'll be real pleasant in the spring."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

And I got so far as the floor-boards when Mr Perkins come out and he said,

"Sire, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy. And if it's to the side of the lot by the lilacs, it's gonna be awful far in the winter. If it was over this side of the lot by the chestnuts, it'd be much more convenient in them cold winter months."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

Well I got so far as the roofin' and Mr. Perkins come out and he said,

"Sire, I've been thinkin' some more about this privy of mine. And it seems to me if it's this side of the lot by the chestnuts, what with the prevailing wind being south south-west, and the house standin' just nor nor-east of that privy, it's gonna be awful uncomfortable for the lady folks in the kitchen during the summer months. So I think if we had this privy half-way between the lilacs and the chestnuts, then neither would it be too far in the winter nor too close in the summer."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy."

Well I got so far as what you might call the interior decorating, when Mr. Perkins come out, and he was all het up.

And he said, "Consarn it sire! I told you from the very start that I wanted a two-hole privy and there you've gone ahead and framed it up as a one-holer."

Well I said, "Mr. Perkins, It's your privy and I don't want to seem to be dictating to you or nothing like that, but it seemed to me that if I'd framed it up as a two holer, and you'd come out to it some night shall we say 'Pressed for Time'... before you made up your mind which one of them two holes to set on it'd be too late, that's all."

[msina]

NASCAR= Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

[retiredtinbender]

I got this in an email this morning. Too good, true or not:

"In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving themyour call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are inIranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United Statesaircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart ourairspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States MarineCorps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)"